


All of the While

by Jacks, Oparu



Series: co-written with Jacks [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-06
Updated: 2010-08-15
Packaged: 2017-10-09 23:11:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 64,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/92632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacks/pseuds/Jacks, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oparu/pseuds/Oparu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An episode tag from Coda that ran off and went epic. After a glimpse of her death, Kathryn Janeway realises that she might be missing out on living. She builds a relationship with Chakotay and with his encouragement, changes the relationships she has with her crew. Relationship-based scenes as they figure out how to balance Voyager and each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kathryn looked up at the moon which was nearly full and pale gold overhead. They'd stopped the boat out in the water and the shore was just barely visible in the moonlight. She sat on the edge of the wooden deck of the boat, pulling her laces loose and slipping off her boots.

"Do you think we should reprogram a darker moon?" she asked, smiling back over her shoulder. "We can barely see the stars with this one."

Chakotay chuckled to himself, amused by her practical ways even in the midst of such a romantic setting. Moving to sit beside her, he hung his already-bare feet over the side and sighed in pleasure and relief. "I like it the way it is."

He turned to face her and was caught off guard by the reflection of the moonlight off her hair. He swallowed and willed his emotions, still volatile after the events of the day, to behave. "Don't change a thing," he said softly.

She smiled at him shyly, pleased he liked it, before she turned her attention back to the water. Balling up her socks, Kathryn stuffed them into her boots and threw her bare feet over the side. The chilly water made her gasp in shock. Shaking it off into a smile, she patted his arm. "Have I thanked you again, Chakotay? Without you cracking my ribs and keeping me alive until the doctor arrived--" She let the last remain unsaid.

"You wouldn't have needed that phaser on talent night to be captain." Kathryn knew she shouldn't have been so bleak, but she had to prove to herself she wasn't afraid. If she could joke about her death, maybe she could command it.

Chakotay slid his arms out behind him on the deck and leaned back onto his hands, enjoying the water on his feet and the slight breeze on his face. He felt her vulnerability and recognized it as the mirror image of his own. "You don't have to thank me, Kathryn," he reminded her, arching his neck slightly to ease the stiffness and let the vertebrae crack back into place. "Besides," he teased, "it was entirely a matter of self-interest. I'm not prepared to devote my life to the mountain of padds that consumes your every waking moment. Not to mention the fact that I'm nowhere near capable of taking on Tom Paris in pool." He grinned at her.

Kathryn smiled wryly back and placed her hand on his shoulder. He felt solid beneath her fingertips, even more solid than the wood of the deck. "You do know I'm supposed to delegate most of that to you?" she teased. "Not beating Mr. Paris, that's my responsibility. I think I just have a soft spot for my handsome first officer. I get weak in the knees when he smiles at me and end up keeping it all." Part of that statement was so close to the truth that she couldn't make it sarcastic enough.

"I wonder if you and Tuvok would have that problem," she finished, eyebrow raised.

"Ahhh," he nodded wisely, keeping his face calm so as not to betray the increase in his heart rate at her use of the word 'handsome'. He had long since learned how to keep his response to her in check, even when they flirted, but the emotion of the day coursed through his veins, leaving him jittery and unsettled. "All part of my plan. If I can keep you mesmerized by my charm I can avoid the bulk of the reports." Her fingers burned a hole in the shoulder of his shirt.

"As far as Tuvok, I don't know." He pretended to think carefully for a moment. "I don't think we'd have that problem. I've always been a bit of a leg man. Have you seen him in athletic wear?" He shook his head. "Not a pretty sight." He leaned into her touch slightly and lowered his voice, implying that he knew a pretty sight when he saw one.

Kathryn laughed, tilting her head up towards the bright moon. "A leg man you say..." She spent a moment wondering what he might have seen her legs in. All she could think of was New Earth. Thoughts of that planet made her heart race. She squeezed his shoulder without realising what she'd done. "Whatever your reasons, I am deeply grateful." Being sincere made her eyes sting and she couldn't blame the salt water in the air.

Seeing her blink back tears tore at his heart, and he placed his hand over hers on his shoulder and squeezed gently. "I know you are," he said. "I'm grateful too." He paused a moment. He didn't want to scare her but some things required saying. "This was the worst day of my life in the Delta Quadrant," he continued seriously. "And I include in that the day we found out we were stranded here. Waiting for help to arrive, I thought..." His own emotions threatened to overwhelm him and he cleared his throat. "I can't begin to imagine..." He shook his head helplessly.

Pulling her feet out of the water, Kathryn watched beads of water roll off onto the warm wood of the deck. She couldn't look at him, so she pulled in her knees and wrapped her arms tightly around them. Resting her chin on her arms, she swallowed before she spoke.

"I couldn't lose you either," she said. "Chakotay, I can't imagine having to walk onto the bridge and know you'll never be there. I can't comprehend what it must have been like on the planet." Losing him went far outside the parameters she tried to keep for herself. Losing Chakotay was unacceptable, in any reality.

"You'd be an excellent captain," she said, her voice dropping lower. "The crew trusts you, you're gentle, wise. You could get this crew home without me." Kathryn let the thought hang in the air. She could never do it without him.

She looked so small, curled up into a ball beside him, and his hand reached out of its own accord to let his fingers brush across the tips of her hair. He was on fragile ground, he knew, and his emotions were a jumble. He wanted--

"I don't doubt my ability to get the ship home," he said quietly, "but part of me would be lost forever. Part of me would stay here with you." Chakotay let his thumb wander lazily over to the skin of her neck.

His hand on her neck made a shiver run gloriously down her spine. Kathryn felt more alive sitting here with him than she'd ever been. Maybe it was left over from her experience. Perhaps she was just dealing with some kind of hangover from the endorphin rush of nearly dying...

In his arms.

She couldn't forget that. The image of him holding her and sobbing her name was forever seared into her memory.

Kathryn shut her eyes. She'd promised herself she wouldn't do what she was about to do, but she couldn't resist him more than she could resist the ship's gravity or walk on the holographic water in front of them.

"Do you know what's terribly unfair?" she asked, turning her head thoughtfully towards him and meeting his eyes. Those damn dark eyes of his always stole her away. Letting go of her fear made her feel invincible. "The one time you kissed me, I was completely unaware of it."

His breath caught in the back of his throat as his need for her, the agonizing need that he had trained into submission, slammed through his body. The act of breathing life into her had been almost erotic in its intensity and the intimacy of it had all but shredded the control he had spent so much time building up since their stay on New Earth.

This was dangerous territory for them both. They were still somewhat overwhelmed by what had happened and he couldn't risk taking advantage of that. But at the same time, what had the experience done except expose what they both knew was between them? He tightened his hold on her neck to a gentle embrace, aware that his fingers were trembling, and stared deeply into her eyes looking for the truth.

What he found there caused him to move forward and brush his lips softly against hers, then again more firmly, finally claiming her mouth in the kiss he'd wanted for almost as long as he'd known her.

She rotated her entire body towards him and relaxed into the kiss. Chakotay's lips were so much warmer than her own. The heat of him seeped into her, as if it were turning her inside out. Grabbing his shoulders, Kathryn balanced on her knees and kissed him back hungrily. All the self-imposed loneliness and longing that she'd bottled up since before she cared to admit, melted down like the barriers she'd tried to keep in place.

One hand slid up to his hair and her tongue found its way into his mouth. She wanted him so much she was panting and almost in his lap. The fear she'd kept locked up like her own store of liquid nitrogen threatened to boil over and burst. Kathryn was outside the lines she'd drawn, outside reason, and entirely somewhere she'd never meant to go.

She tried half-heartedly to pull away but Chakotay held her and she surrendered. Three years in the Delta Quadrant and he was the only one she'd ever let beat her.

Kathryn's response to him fueled his own hunger, and Chakotay was lost in the sensations. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him, refusing gently when she tried to escape. She was safe with him, even if she didn't know it yet. Denying what they felt, what they both needed, was not the answer, even if he wasn't entirely sure yet what the answer was.

He wanted her, but the timing was wrong, and in spite of her boldness tonight he knew she would regret it if things went any farther than they already had. It would be a simple matter to pull her on top of him, lower them both down to the deck, and -- but no. Not like that. Not after everything that had happened.

Lightening the kiss was the last thing he wanted to do but he moved back from her slightly, letting her register what he was doing before pulling back entirely. He let his forehead rest against hers, willing his breathing to calm, and stroked his hands gently up and down her back. The profound anguish he'd experienced when he realized she was dead wafted across his mind once again and he closed his eyes against the truth of it. He was in love with her. He'd tried to tell himself...what? That it wasn't love? That it didn't matter? That it was something that could be denied? Lies and self-delusion, all of it.

Chakotay opened his eyes and moved back slightly, keeping her in the circle of his arms.

Catching her breath as she sat on his lap, Kathryn kissed his cheek. "That was worth living for," she whispered. Running her fingers through his hair, she smiled. Touching his lips with her fingers, she traced the outlines of them.

"I was never going to have this." She kissed him again, this time quickly. "I'm so glad I did."

Her fingers on his mouth threatened his tenuous control and when she kissed him the urge for more was almost overwhelming. Tamping it down firmly, he laughed inwardly at himself. There would be no sleep for him tonight. But it was worth it.

He smiled at her, not yet able to form words that would make any sense. Instead he focused on her face, her mouth, and her eyes. She looked peaceful, and her expression was warm and soft. He stroked her cheek gently with the back of his fingers. He'd never been with a woman so completely lacking in guile. She was a skilled and cunning strategist on the bridge, but here in his arms, in this moment, she was completely open with him. It touched him deeply and he vowed again to himself never to do anything to make her life more difficult.

"Quite a day," he grinned lazily at her.

She should have climbed off his lap, apologised and left the holodeck. That was the right thing to do. Her carefully constructed barriers, she couldn't call them theirs because he'd never tried to keep her at a distance, insisted that she leave.

Kathryn didn't want to. She'd surrendered and even if it came roaring back to haunt her, for this moment, she was going to enjoy what could be. She remained on his lap, carefully straddling his knees with her back towards the water.

"And it started out so quietly." She sighed. Tracing his tattoo with her fingers, she began memorising the feel of his skin. "We're still going to have to come up with something you can do for talent night. Kissing me isn't exactly for public consumption."

He caught her hand and pressed her wrist to his lips, letting his tongue dart out to taste her before kissing the palm. "I don't think so," he said, the idea of performing before a crowd causing a rush of dread. "Besides," he looked up from his work, "my best talents are displayed behind closed doors." He raised his eyebrows and gave her a wolfish grin.

Her neck was hot a moment before her blush ran freely into her face. How long had it been since anyone, including her, had really considered herself as a sexual being? Q didn't really count because there was no way he would have succeeded. He apparently didn't even know how.

Chakotay saw her differently. Even when she was trying desperately to keep him away. It was too good to be real that anyone could be that patient with her. Kathryn was terribly demanding of her lovers and she'd already asked so much of him.

"I might have to take your word for that," she answered, wishing she could stop blushing. "For now," she amended. "Is this something we can balance with our duties? I'm not asking for parameters...maybe I am. I don't know how to take anything on faith. Even you, Chakotay."

He delighted secretly in how flustered she was, but decided too much teasing at this point was unfair. He really didn't want her uncomfortable, not when they seemed to be on the brink of something new and incredible. Reaching for her other hand, he held them both against his chest, letting his thumbs stroke gently over her knuckles.

"Nobody's pushing you, Kathryn," he murmured, leaning over to kiss her temple. He pulled back and waited until she looked up at him before he continued. "You don't have to go on faith, you can go on experience. You know me. If we decide to move forward - and I hope we do - we'll do whatever we need to do to make it work."

"I do know you," she repeated slowly. The heat of her intrigue when they'd joked about sex faded away and the cool, terrifying reality of what she was considering made her shiver. "I know exactly how incredible you are. You're patient and kind. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Passionate..." Kathryn kept his eyes in hers as she paused. She had to swallow before she continued..

"There's something beautiful and irreplaceable about you." She'd never been so connected, or so afraid of anyone. "You know me and you haven't run in the other direction. I know you and I--" She couldn't say the rest. She couldn't even think the words to herself, but she suspected he'd known what she was thinking long before she did.

His heart thundered in his chest. "Kathryn," he whispered her name hoarsely. She was trembling very slightly and he slid his arms around her again, pulling her close against his chest. Holding her tapped into an instinctive desire to protect her, which was ridiculous because she was one of the strongest people he'd ever met. Strong and beautiful and wise... - he smiled to himself... - and brave. So very brave.

He ran his hand up her back and buried his fingers in her hair, stroking it and soothing them both. After a moment he pulled back and what he saw in her eyes took his breath away. He was completely lost to this woman. They had to find a way. He could never be happy or whole without her.

"It'll be okay," he told her. It seemed inadequate; there were so many things he wanted to tell her, but not just yet. It would be okay. It had to be.

"What do we tell the crew?" she asked. Without lifting her head from his chest, Kathryn let him hold her. It was an important question. One of many they would have to answer if they intended, as he'd said, to move forward.

"Do we need to say something?" She had no doubt he would follow her orders, he'd proved that already. Would it be hard for the crew? Would he be able to advocate for them against his- she didn't have the right word. Lover? Partner?

They were already a team. They'd worked in unison, keeping their crew intact for the last three years. This was personal and infinitely more frightening. Kathryn didn't do anything halfway, even falling in love. "Will you be all right?" she continued. "Being my first officer is hard enough, being my- if we're together--"

Chakotay tightened his arms around her for a quick moment, wishing he could chase away the fear that he knew would plague her until she had the answers she needed.

"I don't know," he said seriously, "and I don't think we can know until we figure out what this is. I know you're not comfortable with a lot of uncertainty." He kissed the top of her head, lingering to nuzzle his cheek against her hair. "But I can tell you this. I will never, ever do anything to compromise the running of this ship, or to put our chances of getting home at risk. I know what the priorities are, Kathryn, and I know how to work with them."

She kissed his cheek and laughed bitterly. "I don't," she admitted. "I don't know how to have a relationship and be the captain. I barely know how to be the captain and Kathryn Janeway at the same time. I live in my uniform."

Resting her forehead against his made it possible for her to keep talking. He was always her support. "I know you'll be all right. I trust you. You're too good to me. You already have been."

Her legs were across his lap now, and it made her heart skip to think about how well she fit in his arms, or how strong they were. "Mark wouldn't come on the ship. I never would have had to balance him and Voyager. I don't know how well I can. I'm not like you. My heart isn't as wise, Chakotay."

He shook his head. "I disagree," he said firmly. "Your heart is very wise, but in a different way from mine. That's why we work together so well, we balance each other. That's how we'll make this work as well." His fingers stroked through her hair again. He couldn't stop touching it. He wanted to bury his face in it and breathe her in. It was every bit as soft as he'd thought it would be.

"Don't sell yourself short, Kathryn." He paused, debating how far to go, but if it was going to work they were going to have to be honest and that should start right away. "I know you're afraid," he said softly, "and I know it's not just about the ship. All I can tell you is that I'll be by your side no matter what happens, just like I have been all along. We'll figure it out." He Chakotay kissed her wrist again, deliberately reminding her of earlier. "And in spite of what I said, we'll go slowly."

She wasn't sure how well she could do slowly. If he kept doing that to her wrist, the holodeck was going to would need to be sealed. "I can lock the holodeck you know," she teased him, letting her voice drop into her throat.

Resting her hands on his chest made her calm. "You think too much of me," Kathryn argued with him. "I-" she didn't even know if she could say it. "I'm not strong enough to--" Her voice cracked and she bit her lip. "I'm going to try your patience. I'm going to try and push you away. I'm terribly selfish in relationships."

He chuckled in spite of himself. "And you think this is news to me?" he teased. "Kathryn..." he cupped her cheek and his heart ached at the fear and confusion in her eyes. "You've been trying to push me away for quite some time," he reasoned. "I'm not going anywhere, no matter how hard you push. I'll be here regardless. What you need to decide is in what capacity do you want me in your life? Because I am going to be in your life."

He slid his hand down her neck, wishing for the freedom to smooth his fingers over her collarbone. "And as far as selfish," he paused, considering his words, then shrugged. "If you say so, but I'd be interested to know what makes you say that. You're not selfish in our friendship. You're not selfish as the captain. 'Selfish' is not a word I'd use to describe you."

His hand wandered back up her neck and he registered the little shiver that went through her as he explored the edges of her ear. "I'm not afraid, Kathryn," he whispered to her. "I know you and I know myself. We can do this."

Closing her eyes and burying her head in his shoulder, Kathryn tried to listen to what he was saying instead of protesting desperately that he was wrong. Caught somewhere between wanting to strip off his uniform and take him on the deck and wanting to get as far from the holodeck and the romance of the moon as she could, she kissed his forehead and eased herself off of his lap.

"Have dinner with me tomorrow?" she asked lightly. Hoping he'd understand that she couldn't go any further, she smiled. It was tremendously difficult to be speechless when the answers all came so easily to him. "I'm glad you're not afraid. I wish- I wish I could be. I know you'll wait for me." He would, and she'd break his heart. She'd surrender to her feelings for him and she'd end up wishing she'd ripped her own out in the beginning.

"You know how stubborn I am," she reminded him before she called for the arch and grabbed her boots.

His lap was cold where she'd been, and he recognized her retreat for what it was, but in spite of it his heart was full and happy. Letting him see her fear was the first and most important step to overcoming it. Half the battle was already won, although he didn't kid himself into thinking that the rest of it would be easy. She was right, stubborn didn't begin to cover it. He shook his head even as an enormous grin broke out over his face.

He dragged himself to his feet. He was exhausted and still aroused, not a combination that boded well for sleep, but it didn't matter. Tomorrow was a whole new day and whether she knew it or not, tonight they had started down a path that would change both their lives. He intended to see that it changed them for the better.


	2. Chapter 2

Only just taking the time to change out of her uniform, Kathryn had barely been ready when he'd arrived. It had been a long day. She'd been awkward and odd. It was worse than the first few weeks when she hadn't trusted Chakotay with her ship yet. The entire day she'd been jumpy.

She'd hid in her ready room, buried in paperwork. She'd spent her lunch time writing and rewriting a letter to Mark she couldn't get past the first few sentences.

_Mark, it's not going to work. Mark, you deserve to be happy. Mark- it's not you, I've just fallen head over heels for someone else. Someone in the same quadrant..._

Kathryn didn't drink anything but coffee to excess. but tonight she'd been tempted by the bottle of wine. What was she going to say when he arrived? What was she supposed to do? Pulling him past the table straight into her bedroom definitely wasn't an option...was it?

Chakotay took more time getting ready for their dinner than normal. Kathryn hadn't specified 'no uniforms', but there was no way he was going on their first official date, if that's what it was, looking like every other man on the ship.

He dressed comfortably, in clothing that had gotten him his fair share of female attention any time he'd worn it to functions on the holodeck. He wanted to remind her of other times they'd spent together, off duty, as themselves. If her behaviour over the course of the day was any indication, she needed that more than anything right now.

As far as _his _behaviour over the course of the day, he'd been pretty much useless. Not an auspicious start in to his campaign to convince her that they could manage the ship and the relationship both. He smiled to himself. Fortunately it had been business as usual and he had no doubt that if something more had been required he would have met the challenge.

As it was he'd enjoyed the bulk of his shift performing routine tasks while recalling the feel of her body pressed against his, the scent of her hair, the taste of her mouth, and the brush of her fingers on his skin. It had been one of the best days he could remember in a very long time.

Pacing wasn't helping her think but sitting down or holding still would have driven her crazy. She moved a pale purple orchid on her side table, a gift from Tuvok, to the centre of the larger table before stopping herself. Kathryn knew better then to fidget. She was a Starfleet captain.

Even captains fell in love. Occasionally, it even worked out.

Drumming her fingers on the edge of the glass table, she jolted when the door chime cut through the silence of her quarters. Putting her hands on her hips, she opened the door and smiled sheepishly. "I love that shirt."

Ducking his head in a halfhearted attempt to hide his pleasure, Chakotay smiled at her and moved into the room. He hadn't realized how afraid he was that she would cancel their dinner until he was standing in her quarters. She looked beautiful; cheeks flushed, eyes sparkling. Her hair was down and he groaned inwardly. She was irresistible.

"I considered wine, but I didn't think to ask what you were serving." His tone was conversational but his eyes never left her face. "So I decided to go with something safer." He held up a container of coffee ice cream. In truth he'd considered flowers but he couldn't overcome the feeling that what she needed more than anything was the reassurance of their friendship as the foundation for everything else.

Kathryn took the ice cream with a shy smile. Taking it from him meant touching his hands and in spite of herself, the briefest moment of contact made her blush faintly. "Thank you." Putting the ice cream away in the replicator, she took out the salad and the bread.

"I thought we'd have an old Indiana favourite," she said, recovering. Her hair tumbled down over her right shoulder and the weight of it distracted her. She spent so much time with it back. "I hope peppercorn sauce is spicy enough for you." She tilted her head toward the replicator and smiled. "I'd hate for it to be bland."

"I'm sure it will be fine." As she turned away, Chakotay caught her arm gently and leaned in to brush his lips across her cheek, lingering for a moment. The scent of her skin brought back the sensation of kissing her and he sighed with the rightness of it. He released her and moved to the sofa to make himself comfortable.

He'd spent some time pondering his next move with Kathryn. While he didn't want to push or frighten her, he'd come to the recognition that she responded best to a direct approach. She could circle an issue forever.

He leaned back and crossed one leg over the other, letting his right foot rest on his left knee and stretching one arm out along the edge of the sofa. "I thought you might cancel on me," he said, and grinned at her. "I didn't see much of you today."

Kathryn closed her eyes, opened them again to pour the wine and forced herself to turn to him and hand him a glass.

"I'm sorry," she said. Sipping her wine, she shook her head and sat down next to him. It was almost too close, but she wanted to feel his presence. She wanted a little more than that, but she couldn't. Not yet.

"I thought I might say something ridiculous. Or keep blushing!" Which she seemed to have redeveloped the ability to do as if she were fifteen again. "I don't know how I'd explain going scarlet on the bridge." She paused and studied her hands for a moment. "I can hardly retreat from you now." Kathryn finished, lifting her glass to him in a toast.

"You don't have to," he promised her. He clinked his glass with hers and took a sip of the wine, watching her pale throat as she swallowed. Her hand was resting on the sofa between them and he slipped his fingers over hers, stroking them gently.

"I'm glad you didn't change your mind about seeing me tonight," Chakotay said seriously. "I've been looking forward to this all day." He let their fingers intertwine then pulled his back again to stroke her wrist, fascinated with the softness of her skin. A chill passed through him accompanied by a sudden wave of vulnerability he hadn't realized was there.

"Kathryn," he hesitated. "What about Mark?"

She squeezed his hand involuntarily, thinking of Mark sent her head spinning. Holding on to Chakotay's hand, Kathryn took another sip of her wine. The whole thing seemed a little less crazy.

"I'm trying to write him." She closed her eyes and tilted her head back. "A 'dear John' letter from seventy thousand light years away. I've written three drafts. I hate all of them." Lifting her head, she moved her eyes to Chakotay.

"Certainly he's met someone else?" she asked hopefully. "He's on Earth, he has a whole planet..." Kathryn stopped, biting her lip as she looked at him. He was more than a convenience; Chakotay had to know that. "I avoided you today because you're the last thing I want to do wrong. I've never felt that about anyone."

"Thank you for telling me that." He brought their joined hands up to kiss the tips of her fingers. "This is something different," he acknowledged. "It's going to take a bit to figure it out. But I meant what I said last night. I'm not afraid."

He had a moment's fleeting compassion for Mark, light years away and without Kathryn. He'd had a taste of the agony of losing her the day before, and he couldn't imagine having to live with it permanently.

"Well," she began, staring at his lap instead of looking into his far too dangerous eyes. "Even if you're not, I am afraid. I guess that will have to do for both of us."

"I don't know that Mark would have met anyone else," Chakotay said carefully. He disengaged his fingers to turn her hand over and began tracing lazily over her palm. Then he looked up. "If I were in his shoes, I'd wait forever for you to come back to me."

Kathryn set down her wine, suddenly concerned she'd spill it. Stroking his cheek, she failed to stop herself from touching his mouth with her thumb. "I don't think Mark feels that way. I don't know if I want him to." She'd never admitted it before. Not even to herself, and yet, it made sense once it had been said. "Not that he didn't love me. Mark and I just-"

It was as much her fault as his. "I couldn't give him everything. Mark- is a good man and he's-" There was no other word for it. "He was safe. After Justin died, I couldn't take risks."

Chakotay's heart ached. She'd told him about the terrible accident that had cost her both fiance and father. He kissed gently at the fingers that stroked his lips and studied the beautiful blue eyes that scanned his face. He was humbled by her willingness to try this, to feel what she felt for him, even after the losses she had suffered.

He set his wine down as well, then reached out to stroke his fingers through the hair at her temples, smoothing it back, then sliding them down over her cheek. "Kathryn," he murmured, more for the pleasure of speaking her name than anything else. He traced her mouth as she had traced his and was overwhelmed with the need to taste her, to breathe her breath.

He leaned in and kissed her gently, waiting to allow her to pull back if she wanted.

Pulling back wasn't the logical thing to do, because at that point, she thought even Tuvok would have returned the kiss. A kiss could be innocent, after all. This one wasn't. The longing of it sank through her and vibrated up the back of her spine. She kept the contact between them, turning on the sofa so they faced each other better. For the second time since she'd faced her death, she surrendered and forgot about _Voyager_ and the one hundred-forty lives who were dependent on her.

Pulling back finally, she kissed his cheek. "Maybe we should eat first, before we distract ourselves."

He groaned softly as she broke the contact and somewhere in his daze of desire he was grateful she had done it. He wasn't certain he would have been the one to stop it this time: he couldn't get enough of her. _Too soon_, he reminded himself. _You'll scare her off. _

"Dinner sounds like a good idea," he said agreeably. He cupped the back of her neck before she could move away and kissed her again, reveling in the feel of her mouth on his. "Okay," he said, somewhat more shakily, as he released her. "Dinner. Right."

"We do need to eat," she joked, winking at him. It was remarkable how easy it was to add kissing to list of things they did together. Chakotay was already her standing date, her best friend, her confidant and her conscience. If she stopped kidding herself, he was closer than a few of her lovers had been. Even when she was on Earth, she didn't see Mark every day and Chakotay was a constant presence.

"Thank you," she said, smiling across the table coyly as she started her salad. "I like dinner better when it's an event."

He grinned, and it crossed his mind that he'd smiled more in the last twenty-four hours than he had in the last month. "I've been thinking about something," he began, lifting a forkful of food to his mouth and watching for her acknowledgement. Swallowing carefully, he thought of how to explain.

"You're worried about how we'll balance work and a personal relationship and I can understand that." He (Chakotay?) took a sip of his wine and watched her eyes to make sure she was following him. "With the way things are now it does look impossible. We both work way too many hours - " He put up a hand to stop her protest before she started. "I know it's been necessary in places, but I think we both know that at times it's more a habit than anything else."

"Are you insinuating I don't have anything better to do?" she quipped. Buying herself time to think about the question, Kathryn sighed. There was a way to make it work, somehow.

"It's difficult with so few senior officers," she said, then shook her head. It was an excuse, of course, but she'd get there. "I'm not sure I can stop being the captain twenty-four hours a day. I will try and forget about it some of the time. Maybe I need the distraction."

She ran her hand along the edge of her glass. She couldn't look at him while she volunteered, "my quarters can be terribly lonely. As much as it's a sanctuary, sometimes it feels like a prison. You go out with B'Elanna. You eat with the crew..."

A flood of warmth filled him, as he realized what that admission would cost her. "I'm not criticising you, Kathryn," Chakotay said gently. "You'll always be _Voyager's _captain and as such you'll always have to be at least partially available to her as long as we're in the Delta Quadrant." He took her hand and waited until she looked up at him. "I won't make you choose," he promised.

"But you're right. I do take more personal time than you. The crew is used to seeing me in casual situations, and I'm used to being seen that way." He paused a moment, gauging her reaction. "I think in some ways it was easier for me because we did things differently in the Maquis." He kissed her fingers quickly then let go of her hand to resume eating, giving her a moment to think about what he was saying.

"The Maquis captains have less of an image to uphold?" she teased. There were a few ways she really envied him, coming from that environment. "Too bad you didn't have the bigger ship, isn't it?" Kathryn added, smirking over her glass. She took a bite of her bread and thought while she chewed. "I don't think I know how to be the captain and still socialise with the crew. Playing pool with Tom is one thing, being their friend when I might have to order their deaths is something else entirely. I know there are some captains who are good at it. I'm afraid I never have been. You're the closest I get to a life."

He nodded slowly, understanding her point of view. It wasn't easy to keep his mind on the conversation when she teased him like that. It made him want to kiss her until she couldn't remember her own name.

"I think it's unfair to ask you to go from taking virtually no personal time to taking as much time as it requires to have a relationship," he said, thinking out loud. "And I don't expect you to suddenly change everything about how you interact with the crew. That's not what I'm saying." He was silent a moment, letting his thoughts coalesce.

"I want us to spend more time off duty," Chakotay said finally, and grinned. "Preferably together. I want you to have time to yourself and time for me. And if the crew sees that happening, it may ease the way to letting them know that things have changed between us."

He looked at her for a moment, and let himself get lost in the blue softness of her eyes. "Because things have changed, haven't they, Kathryn?"

For a moment, it was all the captain in her could do not to stare him down. Chakotay wasn't exaggerating when he said he wasn't afraid. He was already planning things out in his mind.

Was that good? She'd certainly never get around to it. Not even if she had all the time it would take to get back to the Alpha Quadrant.

"There's no regulation against us having a relationship." It was easiest to start there. Time for herself might have to be time with him until she got better at balancing things. "You are also my favourite person to spend time with off-duty. What we're talking about is a big change, isn't it? If we're going to keep kissing each other, we should approach this- us- properly."

Kathryn stopped playing with the stem of her glass and nodded. She'd made her decision. "The universe has a way of changing when I least expect it."

"I know this isn't easy," he said, needing her to understand, "and I know it's not just because of the ship. Having the chance to spend time together seems like the best place to start." He took a sip of wine, his mouth suddenly dry.

"I'm not trying to dictate anything to you," he promised. "I've told you what I want, and I want to know what you want. Talk to me, Kathryn," he said earnestly. "We've always been able to talk to each other." A feeling of dread sat in his stomach as he wondered if she was going to pull away.

Getting up to get the main course out of the replicator, she set the plates down and then hovered behind her own chair. Digging her fingers into the back, she sighed. "I want you, Chakotay. I've been so focused on getting the crew home I haven't let myself want anything more than a cup of coffee since we got stuck here, and now...I want you."

Kathryn sat down slowly and stared at her food instead of eating it. "I come home to my quarters and wish you were here. I can't get it out of my head that I've kissed you. Nor do I want to. I thought I was dead, and I watched you, or some alien-created version of you try to pull me back into my body...and I couldn't help thinking I'd made the biggest mistake I'd ever made. Back on that damn planet, I was going to die with you just out of reach."

Chakotay set down the fork he had picked up and stared at her in amazement. He'd been hoping to get her to concede to spending time with him and instead she had laid herself bare. Typical Kathryn. He could know her for a thousand years and he would never be able to predict what she would do next.

And now she was afraid to look at him.

He started to laugh and was on his feet before his brain actually registered he'd made a move. He took her hand, pulling her out of her chair and into his arms. "Say that again," he demanded, delight flowing through his veins as his arms tightened around her waist. "Tell me again what you want."

Wrapping her arms slowly around his neck, she brought her lips near to his, trusting herself more with kissing than speaking. Her heart was racing. His must have been as well.

What else could she say?

"I want you," Kathryn repeated. "I have for a while. I've hated myself for it. Tried to punish myself and I haven't gotten anywhere. We're here, together, and just because we're in the Delta Quandrant doesn't mean we can't have a life." She had to swallow hard to finish. "I think, at this point, I need that life to be together with you."

"Kathryn," he whispered into her mouth, loving the freedom to say her name with tenderness. She was so beautiful, so brave, so strong, and she wanted him. His heart might burst with the wonder of it.

He kissed her, softly, then with all the hunger he felt for her, letting the love and desire flow through him unchecked. He was hard against her and knew she could feel it but he didn't care. For the first time, he didn't have to hide anything from her. His tongue explored her mouth fully, his hands were buried in her hair, his body was pressed against hers and for a few glorious moments he was the happiest he could ever remember being.

Only when he realized that if he didn't stop he would have her down on the floor did he end the kiss. He bent to bury his face in her neck, waiting for his breathing to calm enough to allow him words, and resisting to urge to lick her pale skin. When he was finally able to speak he lifted his head.

"I want you too," Chakotay told her. She knew, but he was finally allowed to say it. "This is..." he paused a moment, reining in his feelings. "I've never felt anything like this before. I've never known anyone like you and I want you in my life more than anything I can think of."

She kissed his cheek, waiting for her heart to stop racing. "At least we can agree," Kathryn finished. She rested her head on his chest just long enough to be entirely content.

"It'll be nice not to have you fight me, for once," she teased, kissing him again before she detangled herself and stood behind his chair. "Eat, before we have to heat it up in the replicator. I might be the captain, but even I can't afford to waste the rations."

She ran her hand along his shoulders as she returned to her side of the table. Sitting down and taking a sip of wine, she quirked an eyebrow at him.

"What do you think this life should be, the two of us, together, leading _Voyager_ across the Delta Quadrant..." She let the thought trail off, then admitted. "I read in bed."

Chakotay groaned inadvertently. "Kathryn, have mercy," he begged. "The image of you in bed is not what I need right now." He took a deep swallow of wine and willed his body to settle and his mind to calm.

"Fully clothed, I assure you," she retorted. Refilling his glass, she watched the flush recede from his face. Biting her lip for a moment, she turned her attention to her dinner.

Taking a bite, she smiled before she swallowed. "I did wonder why you were so protective when Q wanted to mate with me. Good to know you weren't just concerned about your captain."

Looking innocent, she covered her mouth with her napkin and her eyes twinkled. "Sorry, 'mating' must be crossing that line, isn't it?"

He choked a little on his wine, looking at her with disbelief. She was deliberately provoking him and it was unbelievably sexy. "Kathryn," he growled warningly. Closing his eyes in a futile attempt to tamp his desire, his treacherous mind reminded him that there was no way she would be fully clothed if she were lying in bed beside him.

_Beside him in bed, pressed naked against him, in his arms..._

Rising from the table, he mock glared at her and strode to the replicator, returning with two glasses of very cold water.

"Thank you," she said primly. Sipping her water, she set it down and returned to her wine. It was a little unfair of her, she'd spent so much time keeping her desires locked away that letting them out to play was a little like a supernova. She would probably never be able to look at him the same way.

"The portabello really is good," she insisted. "And the potatoes are Ensign Hargrove's mother's recipe. I don't know why it is that so many mothers can cook. Mine can, as you know, but I'm completely useless in the kitchen. I like that you aren't. You balance me, even when I don't know I'm off-kilter."

"I like to cook," he said, trying to join in the conversation. It wasn't his intention to be short with her, but she had no idea what she did to him. Soothing relief came in the form of a very long drink of the cold water and his mind came back into focus.

"We balance each other; we're a team," he reminded her. He picked up his fork and began to eat. She was right, the food was excellent, and he was absolutely ravenous.

"I like that you like to cook," Kathryn taunted, grinning at him across the table. "I just replicate. Though...I've become pretty good with a protein chain."

She tore off another piece of bread and dragged it through the sauce on her plate. "Do you want to try dinner again tomorrow? Or should we wait for Friday and try breakfast?"

Dropping the bread, she lifted her hands in surrender. "That was innocent. I promise."

Chakotay shook his head, laughing. She was incorrigible and he knew with absolute certainty that his life was never going to be the same. The thought filled him with happiness.

"Breakfast," he said decisively, meeting her teasing challenge. "I think I'm going to spend some time in the ring tomorrow when I come off duty. I won't be able to leave my quarters if I don't," he lowered his voice suggestively, then bit into his forkful of portabello mushroom with gusto.

"Not here though," he said thoughtfully. "On the holodeck. Are you willing to get up a little earlier than usual?"

Kathryn giggled, watching him eat with a grin. She could quickly become accustomed to having him at all of her meals. Having something to look forward to was incredible. "Chakotay, you know the only important question is: will there be coffee?"

Raising an eyebrow at him, she nudged her asparagus with her fork. "What are we eating, other than coffee, of course. And where will we be eating it?" She put down her fork and reached for his arm over the table. "Is it a surprise?"

Her eyes sparkled with fun and he was instantly transported to another time, another surprise, standing with her among the trees as she tried to wheedle the secret of her bathtub out of him. Was that the first time he'd known? Chakotay smiled, remembering it.

"Easy, Impatience," he teased. "First, of course there will be coffee. I'm not that kind of gambler, particularly so early in the day. Second, we'll eat whatever you want to eat. I was thinking fruit and pastries, but I'll allow your input on the menu." He grinned with pleasure and enjoyment. "Third, yes, the location is a surprise. Nothing fancy, but I'd like to choose if you're all right with that."

He wanted the chance to do something for her, however small. Her entire life was dedicated to the service of others, the protection and care of her ship and crew.

"Fourth," Chakotay paused, wondering how she'd feel about this last point. "No uniforms. I know it's the beginning of the day, but I'll make sure we have enough time to change before we're due on the bridge." He squeezed the fingers on his arm.

"Fruit and pastries is fine," Kathryn agreed, grinning at him as she took his empty plate back to the replicator. As the dishes vanished, she was already thinking about the coffee ice cream. "Just as long as there's coffee."

When the ice cream reappeared, she set it between them and started serving him. She tapped the serving spoon on the edge thoughtfully. "No uniforms?" She debated for a moment and passed him his ice cream with an evil smirk. "I suppose that can be arranged. My pyjamas aren't acceptable, I assume?" Teasing him further was a little wrong, but she just couldn't help herself.

Chakotay pretended to think for a moment. "It depends. Were you planning on actually showing up for your bridge shift that day?" he asked innocently.

He took a bite of ice cream, then flipped the spoon over to lick the back of it as he watched for her response. The little shiver that went up his spine had nothing to do with the temperature of the dessert.

"I do think I'm expected to go to the bridge at some point," she said dryly. She licked her spoon and closed her eyes. It was probably too suggestive but...he had brought coffee ice cream. Surely he knew the effect it had?

"I am allowed a certain amount of leeway on the time." She dug her spoon in and took another bite, grinning wickedly. "Captain's prerogative. You understand."

He rolled his eyes and grinned. "Oh yes, Kathryn," he said wryly. "I do believe I understand." She was committed to driving him insane, that much he understood perfectly.

Standing up and pushing his chair back, Chakotay took the bowl in hand. "Come and join me on the sofa," he invited. He strolled casually to her replicator. "Tea or coffee?" he teased.

"Tea," she said, waiting for his look. "I've been told I drink too much of the latter." When he came to sit next to her, she cradled the hot liquid in her hands. Fear of spilling should help keep them from causing too much trouble.

Unless of course, they set them down. Kathryn tried not to think about that too much.

"I keep wondering what the crew will say," she thought aloud. "Tom will slip it into conversation, try to get us to blush. Harry probably will blush himself..."

"Harry will die a thousand deaths," Chakotay nodded in agreement. "Paris will push for a reaction, because that's what he does."

He stretched his arm out along the sofa behind her, wishing he could chase away her concern. "They'll be happy for us though," he said thoughtfully. "Although," he debated whether or not to continue, then decided there was no real harm. "I may be the target of a little jealousy until the crew gets used to it. I'm curious about how that will display itself."

"Mom went and got remarried?" she quipped, shaking her head. Maybe the metaphor was a little unfair, but it had some merit. _Voyager_ and her crew had been her life for three years. Chakotay had stood behind her, always, but it would be different to put him next to her.

"They'll learn to share me with you. Just as your crew learned to share you with me. I'll still love them. I might even have more to give them..." she paused then nodded slowly. "If my needs are met, I mean."

"Kathryn," Chakotay ducked his head to hide the grin he could feel starting. She had no idea. He cleared his throat and let his fingers play with the strands of her hair that dangled down within tantalizing reach.

"You're right, they will adjust," he agreed. "I do think you represent a certain stability and security, particularly given the uniqueness of _Voyager's_ situation." He let the grin show this time and leaned over to breathe in her ear. "But there's no way the men on this ship see you as their mother."

He kissed her neck, straighened up, and took a sip of tea.

"No?" she asked as innocently as she could. "Not you or Tuvok, of course, but surely Harry. He's barely over twenty and Tom loves to tease me for mothering people." She cocked her head to the side, then had to brush her hair back over her shoulder. It got everywhere when it was down. "You do know he keeps track of the way I pat people on the shoulder. I keep telling him it's just a command style but he never listens. Neelix said I was quite the mother gorics the other day too. I believe that's something like a hen."

"Of course," Chakotay said agreeably. "That's why they all look up to watch you leave a room." He set his empty tea cup on the table in front of them.

"They respect you, Kathryn, don't get me wrong. You're an excellent captain and they'd follow you blindly to the ends of the universe." He chuckled when he realized what he'd said. "Even if they hadn't had to. But you're also a beautiful and exciting woman and a good portion of the men in our crew, and some of the women, are well aware of that fact." He let his fingers drift to the back of her neck as he thought about it.

He shook his head. "I'm not overly concerned. It's just another point to add to the list."

"I thought they were just being polite..." She replied, only half-teasing. Whether or not the crew found her attractive certainly wasn't something she thought about often. Two could play at that game, however. How handsome her first officer was tended to be something she kept track of.

"I have noticed that certain female crewmembers mysteriously take their holodeck time before and after your sparring programs but I'm sure that's just a coincidence that will disappear once everyone understands how off limits you are." Setting down her tea, she leaned in close and traced her finger along his chin. "I'm a little possessive."

Chakotay leaned in slightly to her touch. He could feel her breath on his cheek. "Hmmm, I think I like possessive." Which could not have been farther from the truth when he looked at past relationships. Women who acted entitled or who became jealous found themselves out of his bed and out of his life. With Kathryn, all he could feel was the incredible happiness of knowing that she wanted him to be with her and her alone.

He kissed the finger that was brushing against his face. "What other concerns do you have about the crew?"

It was incredibly hard to think while his lips were pressed hotly against her finger but she forced herself. Kathryn had to swallow, hard. "Finding our own time, remembering that we-I-don't need to solve each and every problem."

She narrowed her eyebrows. "They have to trust that we're still united, and that we can still see things clearly when we're not. You've never had a problem speaking your mind before, I'll need that more if we-" She paused a moment, finding the correct terminology was always difficult. "Change the nature of our relationship."

He nodded, touched at her difficulty in articulating what was happening between them. "I'll always be honest with you, Kathryn. It's essential to our working relationship and I know how much you depend on it as captain."

"We've proven ourselves to each other's crew, and to _Voyager_'s crew as a whole. I think the main thing is going to be demonstrating that nothing has changed regarding the command structure or the operation of the ship." He hesitated a moment. "You know, I have some experience with this, being a captain involved with a member of the crew." He took her hand and laced his fingers with hers. They were surprisingly small. "It's not as difficult as you might think to maintain the authority you've already established."

"It's not just about my authority," she said quickly, before she lost her train of thought by staring into his eyes. It was a distinct possibility. "You have to be able to question me, argue with me if I'm wrong. Which might actually happen, someday." Kathryn licked her lips instead of kissing him back. They needed to keep talking and not...

Not yet, anyway.

His fingers were large enough to entirely contain hers. Rarely was she the one who needed her hand held, but at the moment, it was her lifeline. "What does your experience suggest for us?"

Life in the Maquis was more mercenary than idealistic, a fact that had made it easier for him than it might be for her. "A certain amount of compartmentalization will be necessary," he admitted. "Out there we're captain and commander; in here we're Kathryn and Chakotay. The two can't overlap, and it's somewhat backward to having a relationship in more usual circumstances."

He played with her fingers, loving the feel of her skin even as he thought of how to explain it. "The good of the ship will have to come first, no matter what. If you and I were together outside of _Voyager_, nothing would ever come in the way of us. I'd put you ahead of anything else in my life." He wanted her to know that. "Because we're on _Voyager_, the ship and the crew and the goal of getting home have to come first. Our personal relationship will suffer in places."

That was hard for him to say. "That doesn't meant it won't be worth it in the long run," Chakotay said softly.

"Well," she smirked. It would be easier now that he'd said it and she'd thought she'd be the one to worry about how much she'd damage the relationship. "As long as we've got that out of the way. There are days and nights where I'm sure you'll curse the day you ever decided I might be attractive and worth pursuing romantically."

Kathryn stared down at their hands and then up into his infinitely dark eyes. "And you're right. Whatever we have, definitely will be worth it in the long run. That's what makes my head spin."

Her eyes were the most incredible shade of blue he'd ever seen. Long, sleepless nights had passed, after having dinner with her or spending time at one of Neelix's celebrations, where he tried to determine if he'd ever encountered that particular colour before. He thought not.

"What makes you think there haven't already been days and nights when I cursed the way I feel about you," he teased, his mouth so close to hers he could taste her breath.

"Hopefully you were just angry with me for being stubborn," she whispered. Kathryn knew it wasn't true. She'd had her share of lonely moments with her book in the dead of night after they'd come home from New Earth. Seeing him on the bridge every day wasn't the same as seeing him.

He wasn't talking about being angry with her and they both knew it. How she could stare down the Kazon and the Vidians without flinching but Chakotay made her heart stop dead was entirely beyond her understanding. He really was the more frightening. She could fight the Vidians and outwit the Kazon. She'd already lost to her feelings for him and her heart was outwitting her more and more by the moment.

"You might have a few more in the future." She kissed his cheek, wishing she could ease their way forward. "I'm still difficult, even when I'm in love."

Hearing her speak the word for the first time when talking about their future made his heart dance. Everything in him ached to push her, just a little, but he wouldn't. He couldn't. She was giving him everything she was capable of.

Instead he backed away from the intensity. "I thought difficult was an understood part of the package when it came to you." Chakotay grinned. "I myself am nothing but a pleasure to deal with, all sweetness and light, every minute of every day." He brushed his lips across her jaw, tasting her very lightly with his tongue. Nuzzling her neck, he murmured, "So at least you'll have that to your advantage."

"I can see a great many advantages in having you," she murmured. Wrapping her arms around his neck came naturally, even if it was that much too forward. Pulling him closer, Kathryn forgot all about her ice cream.

"I am going to need you not to hide from me, even when you're angry. Even when you want to tear me apart for not listening to you. I don't like going to bed angry, but I'm pretty good at functioning on very little sleep."

She tossed her hair back out of the way and rested her forehead against his cheek. "We're both going to have to do our best to make things easier on the other. And we'll probably die trying, won't we?"

Chakotay chuckled. "Probably," he admitted, "but that's all right. We'll figure it out." He inhaled deeply, and the scent of her made him dizzy. He couldn't remember the last time a woman had affected him this way.

He wrapped his arms around her waist, happy that she was pulling him closer even as they talked about things that were not necessarily comfortable for her. "I don't withdraw, Kathryn," he promised. She had been left enough. "If anything I can see us having problems when neither one wants to back down." He stroked his hands lightly up her sides. "We do both tend to be stubborn."

"Maybe we'll both get better at the middle ground." That might be a futile wish, but he was worth yelling at in the middle of the night and letting go of her fears. The first part would come all too easily, unfortunately. The latter was much more difficult.

"You really don't have anywhere to go, do you?" she teased. "It's a small ship." Chakotay was right, she could count on him to stand up to her. He'd been good at that since he'd come on board, better than Mark. A tiny voice in the back of her head added that he might even be better than Justin. Kathryn steadied herself and let that thought out into the middle of her mind.

"Stubborn is a command necessity, isn't it?" She nearly shivered from having his hands on her waist. "Seems we're well matched so far." Surely they'd match in bed as well? The unbidden thought made her blush and she kissed him shyly.

Her mouth was soft; warm and pliant beneath his. She kissed him with a combination of hunger and tenderness that made it next to impossible not to push her down onto the sofa and roll her beneath him. He wanted to; every nerve in his body screamed for more of her touch, her taste, her scent. But...but.

Pulling back gently Chakotay kissed her eyelids, the bridge of her nose, her forehead, her cheeks. His hands stroked the back of her neck and tangled pleasurably in her hair. It was getting more and more difficult to stop every time they kissed. He wondered if he was being too careful, but she didn't protest when he moved away and he could sense the fear that lingered just behind her eyes even in their most comfortable moments.

Kathryn let her head rest on his shoulder, and made sure her hands were on his chest. He was polite, and she had no idea what his restraint was costing him. She toyed with his collar. She'd thought about making love to him and she was sure he had as well. There was no going back from that; as much as she wanted Chakotay, maybe they weren't ready. They hadn't been before.

"Why didn't you kiss me on New Earth?" She snuggled closer instead of looking at him. "Were you afraid I'd stop you?"

He tightened one arm around her waist and kept the other hand free to touch her wherever the urge struck him. Stroking down her arm, he considered her question.

"I wanted to kiss you, Kathryn," he said softly, "but I wasn't sure how you felt about me. You never officially ended your relationship with Mark and I knew you were grieving for everything we'd lost."

Chakotay was quiet for a moment, remembering the best weeks of his life. "I thought we had time," he admitted, "and I wanted...I wanted what I want now. To spend time with you, to learn more about the woman behind the captain." He smiled, remembering that first day. "You and I weren't even on a first name basis before then."

"It's not easy to give up being the captain," she teased. Kissing his cheek as she sat up and grabbed her tea, she stared at it thoughtfully. "I didn't know you that well either. I wasn't even sure we wouldn't drive each other crazy stuck there. Not that I was willing to let us be stuck there."

She'd been so stubborn, and he'd been so wonderfully patient. She could never pay him back for that. "I did worry I was the last person you'd want to be stuck with." Kathryn grinned at him. "I guess I was wrong about that."

"Well, I don't know," Chakotay teased, loving this playful side of her that emerged so seldom. "In retrospect I've always thought Neelix and I would have been a good combination."

Memories of that time pulled him back to the serious. "I knew you were unhappy and that there was nothing I could do about it until you came to terms with the fact that we were there for good. Then there were times when the attraction between us was impossible to ignore, and I could see it was frightening for you." It made him sad to think of that.

He shrugged, looking at her tenderly. "You were like something wild and I knew I had to let you come to me."

"Or be driven to you by a plasma storm." Kathryn shuddered at the memory. His joke about Neelix had made her giggle, but just thinking about that storm reminded her of how terrifying it had been.

"You didn't push me, or lecture me." She patted his cheek and kept her hand on his warm, smooth skin. "I don't think I can thank you enough for that. You made what could have been a very terrible time something I remember fondly." It was a big admission, but they'd been heading down that path for a long time now. Kathryn wasn't going to stop them; Chakotay deserved her honesty.

"I can't be with you halfway," she blurted out, surprising herself. "I thought about it back there too. If-when we're together...you will be the most important person in my life. I can't do it another way."

He nodded, unsurprised. She went full out in everything she did and he'd assumed that attitude would extend to every area of her life. "I'd never settle for half of you, Kathryn," he told her honestly, "but I'll wait as long as it takes for you to be with me the way we both want."

Taking the hand that was caressing his cheek, Chakotay pressed it against his lips, then let it rest in his against her thigh. "That night of the storm, I felt guilty," he confessed. "You were so upset by what was happening, and all I could think was how happy I was to be holding you and to know that you were safe." Shaking his head he continued. "When the storm started and I knew you were out in it..." He swallowed, remembering his frantic search for her as the wind nearly tore him to pieces.

She started to joke but none of it felt right. The quip died on her tongue. Kathryn was occasionally cavalier with her own safety; perhaps even more often. She brought herself back. At least, most of the time. He'd been the one watching her die while the doctor tried to save her.

How could she joke about that? The plasma storm had been terrifying. Without him, she might have never made it back and died out in that forest instead of spending the night in his arms.

"We save each other," she said, smiling faintly. In case that was too much of an admission, Kathryn quickly found her sense of humour again. "And I might just jump into your bed every time we hit a plasma storm. Think you can get used to that?"

Her gentle teasing brought him back to the here and now, and to the pleasure of being with her, safe and secure on _Voyager_.

"Come here," he said softly, pulling her back into his arms and onto his chest. He slid down a bit on the sofa so that there was room for her head under his chin. They had to make this work because there was absolutely no way he was ever letting go of her again.

Leaning down to nuzzle her ear, he whispered softly, "I'll have no problem welcoming you into my bed whenever you're ready, Kathryn."

"I wonder if it's a good as mine," she teased. It took a moment or two to adjust to being wrapped up in his arms, but it was warm and infinitely safe. Other than the panicked night of the storm on New Earth, no one had held her in years. Joking about sex was easier than confronting the reality of it.

"I thought the first officer's bed was nice until I made captain."

Would it end up being hers or his when they succumbed to their attraction? Why was thinking about it so fascinating? Had it really just been that long?

"I still feel like I'm cheating on the ship," Kathryn said, snuggling closer. "What if _Voyager_ gets jealous and blows a plasma coil?"

Chakotay laughed. "She might at that," he acknowledged. It was no exaggeration to say that _Voyager_ had her own personality.

Eyes closed, he took a deep breath and sighed in contentment. Holding Kathryn, he was the most relaxed he had been since the shuttle crash - was it really less than forty-eight hours ago? He'd barely slept the night before. The bits of sleep he'd managed had been plagued by dreams, some of them reliving the horror of her death, some of them decidedly more pleasurable in nature. Neither had contributed to a restful night.

Falling asleep in this position would not be a good idea - they'd both be so stiff in the morning it would take the engineering team to get them off her sofa. He acknowledged this to himself grudgingly, pushing past the aching place in his heart that longed to hold her through the night. But just another few minutes...

If her hand hadn't fallen asleep, Kathryn probably wouldn't have woken up at all until the morning. Her left hand had gone numb enough that it felt like a stranger's against her chest. She rubbed her fingers with her functioning hand and winced. Sighing and shaking out the crick in her neck, she smiled at Chakotay. He looked so peaceful.

Favouring her tingling left hand, she brushed her right against his cheek then gently shook his shoulder. In all their worrying about what kind of relationship they'd have, and how it would affect the crew, they'd forgotten the simple problem that they were human, and both with a great number of responsibilities that already taxed their considerable endurance.

Would she mind having a relationship over data PADDs and security reports and stolen moments of the morning and night? Not with him. She'd take him however she got him.

"Chakotay," she murmured, shaking his shoulder gently. "You have to sneak home before your neighbours see you and get me in trouble."

His back hurt, his neck hurt, his right arm was asleep, and a haze of confusion clouded his mind. For a moment he couldn't figure out where he was, and with the scent of Kathryn filling his nostrils he thought he'd been dreaming again.

Only when he heard her voice and registered what she was saying did Chakotay realize they'd fallen asleep on her sofa. He groaned and shifted, not wanting to let go but needing to move.

"What happened?" he grinned lazily at her. She looked sleepy and soft and beautiful. "Did we miss curfew?"

"By a bit." She groaned and yawned as she stood up. The chronometer on the replicator read just after 0300. "I don't think anyone will notice if you sneak back to your quarters."

Kathryn offered him a hand up and let herself keep her grip longer than she needed to. Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed him playfully.

"Good night, Chakotay. You'd better go before I decide I'm actually not exhausted and try to keep you."

He cupped her face in his hand, stroking her cheek with his thumb then the backs of his fingers. He couldn't get enough of touching her; the warm blueness of her eyes and her tousled hair made him long to climb into bed with her and shut out the rest of the world. But not tonight.

"Good night, Kathryn." He kissed her back gently. "I'll see you on the bridge."

"Wouldn't miss it," she finished, walking him to the door. When it hissed shut behind him, she leaned against it for a moment. Her heart pounded in her chest and she knew she'd end up staring at the ceiling for a long time.

She was terrified, and Kathryn knew as much as she wanted to get over it, it wouldn't be quick. She could work with terrified. She could beat it. Thinking of the way he kissed her made her weak in the knees and she shook her head slowly. Chakotay would be worth every moment of it.


	3. Chapter 3

After the chaos of the mess hall, Tuvok's quarters were serenely calm. He could, of course, tune out the sounds of the crew around him while he worked and ate. However, working in his quarters freed up that much more of his mental energy. Finishing the duty roster before sending it on to the captain for her final approval, he noted that the captain and first officer intended to arrive on the bridge together Friday morning.

That was not particularly unusual in and of itself, however, there was an alteration in the captain's tone in the note she'd added. It was almost as if she were asking permission to not assume command until 0900. He had known Kathryn Janeway for many years, and permission was something she asked in the rarest of occasions, and even less often since she had become a captain.

Tuvok's mind began to contemplate the idea and sort through the possible reasons behind her reticence when his door chimed for his attention.

"Come in," he said.

Chakotay strode in with a calm determination that belied his inner turmoil.

He'd never gotten comfortable with Tuvok. Finding out the Vulcan had infiltrated his crew as a Starfleet operative had been the first in a series of betrayals that had shaken him deeply. While they'd come to a workable resolution, Chakotay had never been able to shake the feeling that the man was less than trustworthy. He treated him respectfully on the bridge, afforded him the deference that was due his rank and security experience, and avoided him as much as possible the rest of the time.

However, there were some things that needed to be said, and he'd never found avoidance to be a particularly effective method of operation.

Tuvok inclined his head. Chakotay was not a logical guest in his quarters and his sudden appearance was curious. He set down his PADD and rose fluidly. "How may I be of assistance, Commander?"

Chakotay was also agitated, which was rare for him. Yes, the first officer was emotional, but he was one of the more level headed humans aboard. It was an admirable trait. Humans needed to be comfortable. "Would you like some tea?"

Fighting the urge to grit his teeth, Chakotay nodded curtly. "That would be fine." He scanned the room briefly, more out of habit than interest, although it had been a long time since he'd needed to be so completely aware of his surroundings. Spartan, as he would have suspected, with the occasional trinket presumably connected to meditation or Vulcan spirituality.

Tuvok returned with the tea. "Forgive me for interrupting your free time," Chakotay began, hearing the formality in his own voice but unable to relax it. He took the seat the lieutenant offered and resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands. "I have something I'd like to discuss with you."

"I will endeavour to provide counsel, Sir" Tuvok replied, folding his hands neatly in his lap. He was all too aware there was no counsellor on board. _Voyager_ was too small to have one permanently assigned and it was not standard practice to send one on short missions. It would have been useful to have one on the crew but thinking of possible outcomes to past decisions was a waste of time.

He turned his attention to Chakotay and pondered the source of his agitation. Tuvok doubted it was a problem with the captain, they had a very healthy relationship. Something he knew Captain Janeway relied on for emotional support. Perhaps it was some issue with another member of the crew.

"You may trust me to be discreet, Commander."

In spite of the tension, Chakotay had a flash of amusement. Of course Tuvok would assume he had come seeking advice. Although...in a way, perhaps he had.

He studied the Vulcan a moment, wondering where to begin. In spite of his personal feelings this was Kathryn's oldest confidant and one of her closest friends. He had complete faith in her judgement, and she found something in the man that she valued. It wasn't everyone that gained Kathryn's trust and respect, not to mention her affection.

"You know that the captain and I are friends," he started, "close friends in fact." He stared at his hands a moment then looked up to face Tuvok. "I believe our relationship has started to evolve into something else."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. That was not what he had predicted. Running through the possibilities of the captain and Commander Chakotay being romantically involved, he reordered his thoughts.

It was logical, being that they both had no other equal aboard. It would present its own difficulties but none that could not be overcome. Curiosity was an emotion he could not entertain but he would be remiss if he did not procure further information.

"Have you broached the subject with the captain?"

Chakotay suppressed a grin and nodded seriously. "Yes." He rose and started to move slowly around the room, feeling restless and a little out of place.

"She has feelings for me, as I do for her," he allowed, hating to discuss such precious things with this man. "We've started to talk about what it would mean to the crew and to the running of the ship. She has serious concerns, understandably."

He came to a standstill and pondered his next words. "I thought it only fair, as the next-most-senior officer on board, to let you know what was happening." Swallowing, he was surprised at the nervousness that welled up in him, as if he were speaking to her father. "I also know how highly she values your opinion, as an officer and as her friend. I don't think she would feel comfortable doing anything that you felt strongly opposed to."

There. It was out there.

Mulling over what Chakotay had said, Tuvok recognised the anxiety in his posture. This was not an easy thing to discuss and he must put the commander at ease.

"I must answer both as second officer and as the captain's friend," Tuvok began. "Though I believe neither will displease you. There are no Federation regulations that would bar your relationship, nor do I believe that you or the captain would allow your emotional involvement with each other to influence your decision any more than your emotions already do. I will also endeavour to provide balance, should it ever be required."

He shifted his hands, folding his fingers together and lifting them up, pointer fingers upwards. "I am very fond of the captain. I have known her for several years and consider her a true friend. It is not easy for her to embark on romantic relationships. Her history has made her wary. You are an empathetic and caring man, who is intimately aware of the difficulties of her position. I see no reason why you would have additional difficulties in the pursuit of a romantic relationship." Looking him over shrewdly, Tuvok nodded. "As an honourable man, you would take great care with her emotional state. Something she does not always do for herself."

Amazed and deeply touched, Chakotay sank back down into his chair and stared at Tuvok. Of all the things he'd imagined Tuvok saying, an astute analysis of Kathryn's emotional needs had not even come into consideration. There was clearly much more to the man than he had ever realized.

"Thank you," he had to swallow hard before he continued, "I appreciate that more than I can say."

"I believe you will find your tea helps calm your emotional state." Tuvok suggested, tilting his head towards the cup. "Even if the taste is bland by human standards."

He had not expected Chakotay to be so surprised that he cared for the captain. Vulcans were not devoid of friendship, nor did they make it a habit of not being cognisant of the needs of their friends.

"You have not been married. Permit me to share something I have learned from many decades with my wife. A supportive, successful relationship between two people is not simply adding another set of notes to a piece, but instead adding a harmony that amplifies the harmony of life. Occasionally, a counterpoint or a moment of discordance may emerge. It is your privilege, and your honour to find your way back to each other. When you do, you will again become aware of the symmetry of what you have made together."

"Captain Janeway is a complicated woman, one that it will not be easy to find harmony with. You are a man of many talents. I believe you could be quite successful together, provided you remember to listen to each other and adjust accordingly."

Relationship advice, excellent relationship advice, from a Vulcan, and Tuvok no less. His world had turned completely upside down over the last few days and this was only adding to it.

Nodding slowly, Chakotay sipped the tea. "I'm aware that the captain is a complex woman with a difficult history," he said, curious in spite of himself to know how much Tuvok really knew about Kathryn. He'd assumed their connection woud be limited because of the Vulcan focus on the cognitive. It seemed he had severely misjudged the degree of attachment between the two of them. It moved him, thinking of it, and he was happy that Kathryn had this relationship in her life.

Feeling less like he needed to defend himself, Chakotay relaxed and leaned forward slightly. "I understand it's difficult for her to open up and let someone in. I intend to proceed slowly and carefully."

"A prudent choice," Tuvok offered, pleased that Chakotay seemed to be listening to what he had to say. "As you recall, I shared a mind-meld with the captain. What you may not be aware of is the depth of that meld."

He paused and crossed to the replicator. If they were to discuss this further, he would need tea. With it in hand, he turned his eyes to Chakotay, whose posture had eased. This was a positive sign.

"Without betraying the captain's confidence, for her feelings for you were deep enough that she herself was not aware of them, I may inform you that she has a deep emotional connection to you. She trusts you implicitly, which I did not understand for some time after Voyager became stranded. I must admit I did not, at first, trust you as she did. Once I shared the captain's perception of you, my opinion changed. I saw her assessment of your character and realised that I had been in error." He sipped his tea and wondered if the commander would appreciate the weight of his admission. Vulcans erred rarely and admitted it even less so.

"In my experience of human relationships, some of the most satisfying begin as friendships. You have already formed a foundation of trust, I hope that will be an advantage to you both."

"I think it will," Chakotay said thoughtfully. "I think it already has." He felt as though he were fifteen again, finding out from his cousin that the girl he had been watching for weeks wanted to know if he was seeing anyone. Which was ridiculous, he chided himself, it wasn't like he hadn't known Kathryn had trusted him from the beginning. But to hear the depth of her connection to him...he'd thought on occasion that he had sensed something like it, but he'd never allowed himself to fully believe.

Shaking off the intensity of his reaction as something to be dealt with later, he returned to the conversation at hand. He studied Tuvok, sensing that somehow he had been privy to something important, something that involved more than just Kathryn.

"I appreciate your giving me a second chance once you knew why she felt the way she did about me," he said slowly. "That's big of you to admit it, Tuvok. I have to say, it's taken me longer to come to the same conclusion about you." Much, much longer.

"Allow me to assure you again that deceiving you three years ago was not my decision, nor was it a task I undertook without regard for the consequences." Something in the admission was difficult for the commander, and Tuvok should do something to ease his anxiety. Compliments frequently eased conversations.

"As a Maquis captain, I found you a capable leader. You have adapted well to Starfleet and now serve this ship ably. It is an honour to serve with you. I apologise that I violated your trust and am pleased you now are comfortable with serving with me. I can assure you that duplicity is only part of my behaviour when my duties require it of me."

Chakotay nodded. Nothing Tuvok was telling him was news, but it was decent enough of him to say it. He drained the last of his tea. Tuvok had given him a lot to think about - it was unreasonable to hold a personal sense of hurt against someone who was only, in the end, doing his job.

"I appreciate that you discussed this with me. I wish you success with the captain. I believe you could have a very successful relationship." He stood, waiting for Chakotay by the door. "Have a peaceful night, Commander."

* * *

The second time she yawned, Kathryn accidentally dropped the hyperspanner. It fell less than a metre but she winced when she picked it up. She'd been off. Smiling at random times, drifting out of conversations; she'd even been humming while she took the turbolift down to engineering with B'Elanna. At some point she was going to have to say something, but what was she going to say? B'Elanna had known Chakotay for longer than she had, they were family before they even came on board.

Should she say something? What was she going to say? _I've fallen for your __former__ captain, I know I'm your captain now, that's not a problem, is it?_

"Sorry," she said, trying and failing not to look too flustered.

B'Elanna looked up. "It's fine," she said politely. "We're almost finished here anyway. Just one more thing to check."

Taking a moment to examine the captain, she felt a spike of curiosity in spite of herself. Something was definitely wrong. No, not wrong, but...off. Different. Captain Janeway was never without focus: she worked for hours with single-minded determination and had to be practically forced to take meal breaks. Today had been like, well, like working with an ensign. It would be frustrating if it weren't so intriguing.

"Captain," she said, returning to the task at hand. "I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was that everything turned out all right after the shuttle crash."

Kathryn stopped berating herself for behaving like a first year cadet and smiled easily. Deeply touched, it took her a moment to find words.

"Thank you." She paused, she should have known her injuries would be all over the ship. "I was lucky to be in good hands," she said mysteriously. "I think it was far more traumatic for Chakotay than it was for me." She was trying to hide what she was thinking, but it wasn't working at all. Putting the hyperspanner down, she turned in the cramped space to get a look at B'Elanna's face.

"I know we haven't been close," Kathryn began, wondering how thin the ice was beneath her feet. "We certainly got off to a rocky start, but you're a valuable member of the crew, and I hope you know how much I appreciate the contributions you make to _Voyager_."

B'Elanna turned away, hiding the blush she could feel starting up her neck. She cleared her throat quickly. Only when they'd come so close to losing the captain had she realized what the older woman meant to her, not only as a leader but as a mentor and role model.

"Thank you," she said shyly. Finishing the panel in front of her she motioned to Janeway. "Could you check that now?" She shook her wrist out and considered the captain's words. From what she'd heard, the scene at the shuttle crash had been catastrophic. Her heart ached a little thinking of it and she was glad she hadn't been there. She'd had more than her share of friends die in her arms and it was an experience she wasn't anxious to repeat.

She hesitated, but it was the truth. "I can't imagine what it must have been like for Chakotay," she said quietly.

Kathryn had activated the plasma relay and focused on regulating the secondary back-up. She was concentrating on _Voyager_ until B'Elanna mentioned Chakotay. Her hand slipped, the hyperspanner slipped into the flow and the plasma shock lanced through her arm.

"Dammit," Kathryn hissed. Holding her hand to her chest, she rolled to her side in the cramped Jefferies tube and shook her fingers, wincing as the excruciating tingling crept up her arm. She couldn't lose her concentration whenever anyone said Chakotay. "I'm fine," she said before B'Elanna could ask. "I suppose I should be grateful we're doing plasma relays and not anti-matter injectors."

She still had to answer the question. "Chakotay was pretty shook up. I owe him my life, again."

B'Elanna winced. That hand had to hurt, but the captain shook it off, as B'Elanna would have done herself. She'd dropped the tool when B'Elanna had mentioned Chakotay. Interesting. Was it possible...

She shifted to attempt a more comfortable position. Two and a half years on _Voyager_ and she'd never managed to spend any significant amount of time in a Jefferies tube without cramping up. Janeway had said that Chakotay had saved her life...again. What did that mean? She grinned to herself. It was not her business. It was not her business. It was not-

"Captain, far be it from me to pry, but you seem distracted."

"It's not prying if it's true," Kathryn sighed and shut her eyes for a moment. She flexed her hand, wishing the feeling back into it. Curling up into a ball with her knees pulled tightly to her chest, she rested her head on her knees.

"We all left people behind on Earth," she began. Shaking her hand, she smiled weakly. "You might be aware that I left my fiancé. We're getting home, I made that commitment. I couldn't give up on Mark, because we were going home."

She was rambling, but there was so much she hadn't said. "I've had brushes with death before. I've never doubted that I was doing the right thing by being in Starfleet. I wouldn't live my life any differently." Kathryn met B'Elanna's eyes and hoped she was doing the right thing by letting down her guard. She couldn't keep it up all the time. "I hallucinated or maybe had a vision while I was unconscious. It made me wonder if I was doing the wrong thing. Waiting for someone I might never return to."

B'Elanna was burning with curiosity, and more than a little surprised that the captain was confiding in her. As she thought about it, it made sense. Who else did she have to talk to? Chakotay, certainly, and probably Tuvok although it was hard to picture him in any sort of intimate chat. She snorted to herself. Possibly the Doctor, but he and the captain spent more time sparring than anything else. B'Elanna had never been one for 'girl talk' but even she had found she missed having someone to talk to in that capacity once Seska, that traitorous _petaQ_, had shown her true colours. She hadn't considered what it must be like for the captain.

It was flattering to know she was trusted for more than her engineering skills. "What did you see in your hallucination?"

"My death," Kathryn said. Her face twisted into a dark little smile. "Over and over. An alien presence was trying to take me somewhere horrible and to resist him, I had to keep living. Finally, he showed me a death that stuck. Chakotay-"

She put her hand on her chin, then rested both on her knee. "I watched him hold my body while I died." She'd never been through anything like that before. "Then I went up to _Voyager_ and watched my own funeral. I listened to everyone give toasts. Eventually the alien realised he couldn't out stubborn me and I woke up."

It took her a moment to find the right words and the breath to say them. "I've never seen anyone cry over me. Not like that."

"Oh, Captain." B'Elanna was at a loss for words. Imagine seeing your own death and all the fallout from it. And Chakotay...he would have been destroyed. Making a mental note to talk to him the second she was off duty, she began to wonder if Janeway realized...B'Elanna started, and understanding began to dawn.

She settled in more comfortably, moving a little closer to the captain. "That must have been devastating. For you both," she said, carefully.

"I spend so much time isolating myself." She dropped her forehead to her knees, closing her eyes before they could betray her. "No one tells you, in command training, how hard it can be after awhile that the same weight is on your shoulders. Strand the crew in the Delta Quadrant and they're your responsibility until you get them home."

Kathryn swallowed hard, lifted her head and forced herself to smile. She couldn't dwell on that. "Did Chakotay tell you about New Earth? He made so many things. Headboards and shelves and a bathtub. After a week or two I realised he could have made a home from anything we'd been left and all I could think about was what I was missing on _Voyager_. Getting back here so I could keep myself at arms length from the crew and make sure they got home, no matter what it costs."

She reached out and wrapped her fingers gently around B'Elanna's arm. "You can't repeat this, but...B'Elanna, I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. The crew, Chakotay- I've been that ghost , walking through _Voyager_ without actually being here."

B'Elanna nodded, not actually touching the captain back, but leaning a little more toward her. Chakotay had spoken to her about New Earth, during one very long, cold, brutal night, a dark night of the soul that had solidified their friendship in a way that even their time in the Maquis never had.

"I think..." she broke off, not quite knowing what to say. "I can't imagine the pressure that's on you, being out here in the middle of nowhere with nobody to share the responsibility with when things go badly."

She paused, wondering if she were about to overstep and end up in the brig. Oh well, it wasn't like it would be the first brig she'd ever seen the inside of. "Captain, the crew really likes you. They respect you. Trust me, I hear enough gossip to know what's happening on the ship. It does wonders for morale when you socialize with them." The captain seemed to be receptive to what she was saying, which was a relief. "I don't think anybody would be shocked or offended if you tried to connect with us a little more."

Was falling in love with the first officer connecting? Could she possibly explain that? Kathryn dropped her knees and crossed her legs instead. She squeezed B'Elanna's arm before she let go and her face softened when she smiled.

"Thank you. I don't think I've ever thought about it that way." Fidgeting with the hem of her uniform trousers just above her boot, she tried not to cry as she beamed at B'Elanna. That couldn't have been an easy thing to say.

"I know it's something Chakotay is much better at than I am, but he's going to help me. I think he'll draw me out more now that we-" And she'd done it. Kathryn covered her mouth in surprise and hot blood ran into her face, turning her skin scarlet. "We have feelings for each other," she finished, losing some of her confidence.

B'Elanna could not have been more surprised if the captain had announced she was giving up her commission and taking a position as Neelix's official taster.

"That's wonderful!" she blurted out. "Chakotay -" She caught herself but it was too late.

"I mean...Captain, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." _Shut up, shut up, shut up. _"Captain, I meant no disrespect. Chakotay and I, well, you know we're friends. He talks to me sometimes, he has to confide in someone and we've known each other a long time. But I would never -" She shrugged in misery, wondering if she had completely destroyed whatever trust was starting to build between them. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

Kathryn blinked, then brushed tears out of her eyes. Smiling at B'Elanna didn't seem to be enough but she couldn't stop doing it. "It's all right," she promised. Reaching across to grab both of B'Elanna's arms this time, she nodded. "Whatever Chakotay told you, is fine. He'd never say anything to compromise...he wouldn't." B'Elanna looked like she'd just destroyed the warp core. Was Kathryn really that terrifying?

"It's very new," she said when she found her voice again. "Slightly intimidating. Incredibly distracting."

B'Elanna closed her eyes momentarily, overcome with relief that she had not completely botched the captain's first attempt at trusting a crew member with something personal.

Confidence restored by Janeway's kindness, B'Elanna gripped her arms in kind. "It's wonderful," she said urgently, "absolutely wonderful. It's the best news I've heard in a long time. Maybe since we got out here." She was grinning like an idiot but it was no more than the enormous smile that graced the captain's face and made her eyes sparkle.

She let go, but if she had licence to speak there was something else she wanted to say. "He's crazy about you, you know," B'Elanna said quietly. "I've known him a long time and I've seen him involved with women." She shrugged, hoping that wasn't too blunt. "In the Maquis, you take your comfort where you can get it. But I've never known him to be like this," she smiled shyly, " like he is about you."

Kathryn nodded slowly, her stomach was fluttering and her heart was tight in her chest. If B'Elanna was right, and she had no reason to be wrong, things were about to change. Kathryn knew Chakotay loved her. It seemed like the universe kept going out of its way to tell her, over and over again.

"He's a good man," she said. "Funny, intelligent...and he sees me. Somehow he can look at me and just see me. I've never had that, B'Elanna. Not in my life."

Grinning, B'Elanna felt her own eyes growing moist and she blinked impatiently. She couldn't explain it but hearing this news from the captain felt like being present at the beginning of something important. It touched her in a way she didn't really understand.

"He's special," she agreed, "one of a kind." Hesitating a moment, she wondered what the captain knew about Chakotay's past. "He's...he's been hurt as well," she said quietly. "He's the toughest guy I know, but his heart, it's a lot softer than anybody would imagine." She searched the captain's face, hoping her meaning was clear without being out of line. "He's vulnerable in a way that not many people would recognize," she continued. "People join the Maquis for a variety of reasons. Chakotay's were never anything less than honourable and entirely justified."

Kathryn had never been told why Chakotay joined the Maquis. It hadn't come up. She assumed it would, in time. She'd read what was in his file, but that file hadn't done him justice. It had left out his charm and his intelligence; especially the way that under better circumstances, he was her type.

Apparently, and luckily, she was his. "B'Elanna, I would never try to hurt him. I want you to know that. I'm not...well, I've never been-" She was blushing again. "Being a captain doesn't exactly make you easy to date."

B'Elanna grinned, feeling bold and enjoying this vision of Janeway that she had only ever had glimpses of. "So your intentions toward him are honourable?" she teased. She was relieved knowing the captain seemed to understand what she had tried to tell her.

There were times when Kathryn hated her Irish ancestors for bestowing on her such damn pale skin. She'd been blushing enough that she was pretty sure her ears were red; she could feel the heat. "I think I'd have a real mutiny on my hands if I didn't have honourable intentions," she said, only half-teasing. She'd never forgive herself for breaking Chakotay's heart.

"It's a big change in the way we talk to each other, even the way we look at each other. We distract much more easily than we did." Kathryn stopped herself before she went much further and really embarrassed herself. "Do you, I probably shouldn't be asking, maybe there's no way you'd actually know- Will it upset the crew? We'll be discreet, but it's a small ship..."

She looked at the captain in amazement, never having seen her anywhere close to this flustered. Maybe it was true, love really was the great equalizer. B'Elanna pulled her thoughts back, realizing she'd been asked a question.

"You're worried the crew will be upset?" B'Elanna felt a pang of empathy for the woman in front of her, clearly so vulnerable. She made a show of thinking for a moment. "I don't think anyone will have a problem with it," she said finally. "You're both well respected and have established authority. A handful may feel they can't approach Chakotay with complaints any more, although if they're childish enough to think that they don't deserve to have their complaints heard anyway." She smiled at the captain to let her know she was only kidding. Sort of.

She shrugged. "You could solve that by letting them know they're free to approach Lieutenant Tuvok if they'd prefer."

"I wasn't aware Chakotay processed that many complaints." Kathryn answered, surprised. That wasn't the important part of what B'Elanna was saying, but it stuck in her mind. She sorted her thoughts and reminded herself that if anyone was going to fairly deal with the crew, it would be Chakotay and Tuvok.

"We're a community," she said, trying to clarify her thoughts as much for herself as for B'Elanna. "Chakotay and I being together," she had to smile again when she said that, "changes the nature of the community. I don't know if I know how to balance it well, or even if I can, but he says I should trust him...and I do. We can make it work, at least, I like to think so...there's just so much to think about."

Usually she could just make her choice and stick with it, this was intensely frustrating. There were so many variables. What if they got married? What if...she wasn't ready for that yet. "May I ask you something...I don't know if you know, or if you'll tell me. I know I should ask Chakotay but I-"

_Dammit_.

"Do you know how he feels about children?"

B'Elanna grinned. She knew exactly how Chakotay felt about children.

"Captain," she said kindly, feeling brave enough to touch one of Janeway's hands. She shifted again, trying to find a comfortable position in the damn Jefferies tube. "You're thinking about it all too much. I know there's a lot to decide but there's no way you're going to be able to take every single thing into consideration. It's like you're trying to come up with the answers before you even know what the questions are."

It was still somewhat incredible but the captain seemed to be taking in what she had to say. "You care about Chakotay," she smiled at the blush this elicited - any more of this and the woman was going to be permanently red. "Chakotay cares about you. You both care about the ship. It's not that complicated. It only feels complicated because it's, well, scary." She might not know much, but B'Elanna knew the terror of letting someone get close.

"I'd much rather have all the answers and not need to ask," Kathryn joked weakly. She leaned her head against the hard wall of the Jefferies tube and sighed. "It feels a thousand times more complicated than anything else I've ever tried to do. I can fix a shield grid. I can fight the Vidians. I have no idea how to date someone I have feelings for without fluctuating between panic and being unreasonably happy."

Other than talking to Chakotay, she hadn't been this honest about herself in a long time. It wasn't as if she had friends she talked to. "And I'm distracted," she added to her confession. "I had to find something to do with my hands because I just couldn't pay attention on the bridge."

B'Elanna nodded in acknowledgement. The captain was in bad shape, there was no doubt.

"Maybe it's so difficult because you're fighting yourself so hard?" she suggested. "That's something I excel at." She gave a self-deprecating smile. "I also excel at making things work when they absolutely have to work," she said more seriously, gesturing to the narrow walls around them and indicating all of _Voyager_ beyond. "So do you. You made us a crew. You make _Voyager_ work. You created this crazy, impossible thing that we have that works so well out of thin air in the first place and you'll create this newest version of it."

She put her hands flat on the bottom section of the tube and pushed against them, lifting her hips off the floor slightly, allowing her back to stretch. "You deserve to be happy," she added, "and if you have the chance for that you should take it. Chakotay's right. You should trust him. If he says you two can work it out, you can work it out."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow and listened. B'Elanna was probably right, but it did nothing to calm the spinning of her stomach. She continued to try and take the younger woman's words to heart as she dropped her head and rubbed her fingers along the crick in her neck. Personal crises aside, it was time to get out of the Jefferies tube and deal with the reports she'd deferred from the morning.

"Thank you," she said genuinely as soon as she finished. If she'd thought she could have done it without tearing up, she would have hugged her, but Kathryn didn't know how well either would go over. When B'Elanna said it, it was fact and as scrambled as her own thoughts were, she could agree with facts. "I'll try and keep that in mind." She spoke slowly and there was a great weight in her words. "Thank you. I didn't realise how much I needed a voice of reason."

B'Elanna snorted in amusement. "I don't think I've ever been referred to as the 'voice of reason' before." She smiled as they began to make their way out of the cramped tube. When they reached the hatch she stopped, holding a hand up to ask the captain to wait.

"I know how difficult it must have been to tell me this," she said slowly. "I want you to know I appreciate it and I would never betray your trust." She paused a minute. "I like you, Captain. I think under different circumstances we might have been friends." Once again she hoped she wasn't overstepping.

"Maybe I should have let Chakotay be captain," Kathryn joked. "Perhaps then I'd actually have a social life." Their shoulders were touching and it was easy to smile at her chief engineer. "B'Elanna, the distance I keep has nothing to do with whether or not we could be friends. It's just my way of being able to give the orders I might have to give."

Maybe she was the one who owed the crew an apology. She could easily be friends with B'Elanna, Tom and Harry, just as she was with Chakotay and Tuvok if she put the work into it. Work that would mean risking herself when she sent them to their deaths. As they left the tube, she rubbed her palms together and stared down at her hands.

"I don't know how to be the captain and myself at the same time," Kathryn admitted softly. "Certainly not all the time. I'm not good at going outside the parameters I define for myself, but I'd like to think I can use a little of that Maquis thinking. Perhaps with that, I can find a way to change our circumstances. If we're going to be on this journey awhile longer, I could use a friend."


	4. Chapter 4

Chakotay waited patiently inside the entrance to the holodeck. He'd asked Kathryn to meet him there for breakfast, rather than picking her up at her quarters, so he could arrive early to set things up as he wanted them.

In truth, he was more than a little anxious to see her. He'd missed her the day before, missed spending time with her even though they had been together on the bridge for a short time during the afternoon.

All around him was dark, the charcoal of the pre-dawn, the barest trace of moon and stars showing in the night sky, although the morning bird calls had started. Since he was a boy he had loved this time of day.

Kathryn had been awake long before the computer had woken her. She'd stared up at the dark ceiling and the stars in her viewport and tried to remember that yes, it was all right for her to have feelings for her incredibly handsome first officer. B'Elanna had almost seemed surprised that she was worried.

When the computer chimed for her to get up, she crept out of bed and started putting on her uniform out of habit. Stopping and shaking her head at herself, she reached for her green tunic and trousers. She'd kept it from New Earth and she wondered if he'd remember. She acutely remembered how much she'd liked seeing him in other colours. He knew how to dress.

She finished with her hair, clipping it back. Leaving her quarters with a yawn, she started thinking fondly of coffee on her way to the holodeck. Concentrating on the giddiness she'd been carrying around for the last few days, not the butterflies in her stomach, she let herself into the holodeck.

"Perfect timing." Chakotay noticed her startle a little. She clearly hadn't been expecting him to be right inside the entrance, but he hadn't wanted her to stumble in the dark. "Good morning."

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her gently, holding her for a moment even once he'd released her mouth. Turning away, he produced a cup of coffee with a lid that would enable her to move and drink at the same time.

"We have to go on a little walk," he told her, feeling ridiculously happy now that Kathryn was actually with him. "I hope you don't mind. You'll have to hold my hand because it'll be dark for about thirty minutes more." He laced his fingers with hers and bent to kiss her cheek. "I trust that won't be a problem," he teased.

Clinging to her coffee with one hand, she kissed him back shyly. "Meet me with coffee every morning and I'll follow you anywhere." Kathryn squeezed his hand and tried not to peer into the darkness.

"You are going to be a gentleman and keep me from falling off any picturesque cliffs that are hidden in the darkness, aren't you?" His hand was warm against hers, and she loved that he'd been thoughtful enough to bring the coffee to the door. "Chakotay, I do love a good surprise," she said, smiling wickedly.

"No cliffs, I promise," he smiled, even though she could barely see it. "I wouldn't let anything happen to you, Kathryn." He stroked her fingers with his thumb as they walked. "This is the wood about three kilometres from the house I grew up in," he told her. "It's one of my favourite places in the universe. I could find my way along this path --" he cut himself off with a chuckle. "I was going to say, in the dark. It's about a ten-minute walk to where I set up our breakfast."

The air was warm and fragrant and Kathryn clung tightly to his hand, looking all around although there wasn't much to see in the blackness. Chakotay took pity on her scientific mind and pointed out various trees and plants along the way. He could hear the sounds of the night creatures, heading back to their dens as the birdsong foretold the approach of dawn. He liked the comfort of the darkness, the feel that nobody could see them, as if they really were all alone, far away from the responsibilities of command.

It was relaxed and pleasant and if he had his way he'd spend the entire morning there with her. "How was your day, yesterday?" he asked, more for the pleasure of hearing her voice than anything else.

"I managed not to reverse the plasma flow on deck twelve and blow up the port nacelle, though I can't really take credit for it." She answered him glibly, but she was touched that he asked. "I didn't see as much of my first officer as I would have liked but I have to admit that's making our little adventure that much more thrilling."

Winding her arm into his, she tried to imagine what the jungle would look like. It was probably beautiful. Far from Indiana, but beautiful. Touched that he was sharing it with her, she made a mental note to look up the birds and vegetation, just so she knew.

"B'Elanna and I finally got it fixed," she continued. "It's always such a touchy thing to readjust. Must have shocked myself half a dozen times before I got it." Did she dare tell him what she'd talked about with B'Elanna? He might find it more sweet or humorous than threatening. Chakotay definitely trusted the chief engineer. "Then she was kind enough to spend some time readjusting me. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, the crew would very much like me to be happy."

He looked at her in surprise. The sky was starting to lighten and he could just make out her features in the dark gray that enveloped them. She looked a tiny bit uncertain and he squeezed her hand unconsciously. "What happened?" he asked, curious.

"Our chief engineer decided to remind me that being the captain didn't preclude being human." She answered ruefully. Kathryn paused, taking a moment to try and get a look into his eyes in the darkness. "I didn't even know I needed to talk about you and I until I was talking to her. Must have startled the hell out of her, but B'Elanna handled it well. It's not every day your captain has a crisis of faith about how the crew will perceive her relationship. She's an incredible woman. You're lucky to have her as a friend."

Utterly amazed, he stopped short and tugged her closer so he could see her better. "You talked to B'Elanna about us?" he asked weakly. Even in the shadows he could see the startled look that crossed her face.

"No, no, it's good," Chakotay rushed to reassure her. "It's very good, in fact it's incredible. I...Kathryn..." Shaking his head, he grinned. "You always manage to surprise me." He stroked her cheek gently. "That was very brave."

Taking her hand again, he resumed walking. "We're almost there," he promised. "You're right about B'Elanna, she's a good friend. Ithink she could be a good friend to you as well," he offered, being as she had opened that door. "Not pushing, I promise."

Still amazed by how glad he'd been, Kathryn pondered it for a while. Perhaps it was the fact that her reaching out made their relationship that much more real. As unsettling as it was, she couldn't help smiling back at him in the grey light.

"She may have said something similar," she agreed shyly. "It's not easy for me. Out here, I'm the last voice. Every decision comes back to me and I've been letting that weigh on me, maybe more than I should. Tuvok keeps reminding me that I have a uniquely challenging first command. I am allowed a few moments of uncertainty, even by Vulcan standards."

Kathryn stopped and pulled him to a halt too. She sighed heavily and the admission came from the pit of her stomach. "I guess I didn't let it occur to me that anyone, even you, would want to know me better. I'm your captain, it's not my place to talk about my feelings. I'm supposed to be looking out for the whole damn ship."

It pulled his heart to pieces when she said things like that, even while a part of him rejoiced that she was able to admit it.

"You started out on Voyager planning a short-term mission with a specific objective, and you'd prepared yourself mentally for that," Chakotay said quietly. "There's no precedent for any of this. You've had to make it up as you went along for almost three years, and I for one am damn proud of you." He put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed.

He turned to resume walking and led her down a small slope. "There's a bit of a fall here, hold on." Stepping off a short ledge he dropped about a metre, then turned to catch her by the waist as she jumped down. "I've got you," he said softly. She landed and he kept her there in his arms for a moment.

"You do," she whispered, staring up into his face. With his arms around her, she could face anything, even being the heart of the gossip mill for the rest of the trip home.

Kathryn stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. He didn't need to say it, but it meant the universe to her that he was proud of her. How far they'd come from the first time he'd stood on her bridge. Meeting his lips a little more enthusiastically than she should have before breakfast, she smiled wickedly when they parted. "I was only supposed to find a Maquis captain," she answered his thought from before. "How was I to know he was wily enough to hide in the Delta Quadrant?"

Chakotay laughed, at her little joke, at the freedom with which she'd kissed him, at the faith she'd displayed in talking to B'Elanna, at the fact that what had seemed at the time like one of the most catastrophic experiences of his life had somehow miraculously become the best.

"Come on," he took her hand again and began to jog her slowly down the rest of the path. "We're running a little behind. Don't spill your coffee," he teased.

They broke through to a small clearing on a cliff overlooking a large body of water, which at the moment could only really be heard as the waves crashed lazily against the rock. He led her to the blanket he had laid out under the last of the trees. "There's more coffee," he promised. "This is Lake Canatara. In about ten minutes, the sun's going to rise. I thought we could watch it while we eat."

She would never spill her coffee. He shouldn't have worried. Kathryn sat down and finished the last of what she had in the cup so she could refill it. Settling down next to Chakotay, she rested her hand lazily on his knee and stared out at the steadily brightening grey dawn.

"I've usually found sunsets much more romantic than sunrises," she teased him, "but I'll make an exception for good company."

As he passed her the food, she peered down at the water, trying and failing to judge the depth. "Can you swim here?"

He nodded, pleased that she was enjoying the setting. "When I was a kid we used to dive off the cliff. Drove our mothers crazy with worry." Chakotay grinned ruefully. "Now I'd probably climb down to get to the water. It's cold because it's deep, and there's almost always wind. Crystal clear for deep sea diving as well. Incredibly blue. You'll be able to see better when the sun comes up."

The sky was already turning to a lighter blue-gray. They'd timed it just right. Kathryn was happily pouring more coffee and he took the opportunity to study her. Her hair was pinned back, practical for the holodeck, but a few strands had escaped and danced around her jaw. She was so beautiful and something stirred deep in his heart as he watched her.

Finishing a bite of fruit, Chakotay sat up and stretched a little, enjoying the laziness of just being with Kathryn. He wasn't particularly hungry in the morning, but he hadn't been able to pass up the opportunity to start the day with her. Moving around, he sat propped against a tree so they were both facing the direction of the rising sun. The top edge of the orangey ball was sitting just above the horizon line.

"Hey," he said softy, "come here." He reached out to slide his hands onto her waist, pulling her back so she sat between his bent knees. Her back was against his chest and he slid his hands down her arms, careful not to disturb her ever-present cup of coffee. Bending down, he kissed and nuzzled her neck. "This is better."

Kathryn had to squirm a little to move her plate closer, then she relaxed. She was pleasantly surprised Chakotay was so physically affectionate. She was tactile, and she knew the reputation she had for patting shoulders and touching arms. Finding someone who liked holding her as much as she enjoyed being held was incredible.

The edge of the sun rose over the water and the light began to have warmth to it, as well as a brilliant gold. She snuggled in, careful to keep her hands free so she could finish the strawberries.

"I think I can pull in a favour or two and get us both Monday off," Kathryn said, turning her head slightly back towards him. "Got anything planned Sunday night?"

His breath caught in the back of his throat and he had to pause a second before he could answer her. A wave of desire coursed roughly through him as his mind put together what she was telling him. He hadn't been expecting that.

"I'm sure I can clear my schedule," he said, a little shakily. Would they ever reach a point where she could no longer catch him off guard and make him feel like his entire world was upside down?

The sun had burst over the horizon, filling the sky with brilliant orange and gold. Chakotay leaned down and around a little, wanting to see her face. He stroked her cheek gently. "Kathryn, there's nothing I want more in the world than to make love to you," he said honestly. "You're all I can think of. I want to be as close to you as I can possibly be. I want to know everything about you, and I want you to know me." He hesitated a moment then groaned. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't want you to feel any pressure. I know you're still struggling and I know you're still afraid. It doesn't have to be this soon." Holding his breath, he waited for her answer.

Squirming around in his arms, Kathryn knelt in between his knees. Missing the sunrise, she could feel the heat of the rising sun grow on her back. "It's not you I'm afraid of, or me, or anything we could be together. I think I understand why we'd wait...but, Chakotay--"

She reached up and held his chin in her hand. "Once I kissed you, I couldn't go back. I'm still terrified of losing you and there's nothing you can say to promise you won't die on me." His hands were on her back and just knowing he was touching her made it that much more acceptable to be entirely enamoured with him.

"Or that I won't die on you," Kathryn finished, rubbing her finger against his cheek. "Life's too short to put that first. If either of us is leaving tomorrow, we'd be foolish and stubborn to be apart now, wouldn't we?"

Turning his head a little, he kissed the fingers that stroked along his face. They were sticky and sweet with strawberry juice and his tongue darted out along their tips. The thought that soon he'd be able to taste every part of her filled him with desire and a joy so intense he was glad he was sitting down.

Incredibly touched by what she was telling him, and offering him, Chakotay's emotions were a jumble. He ran his hands mindlessly up and down her back, reveling in the freedom to stroke her as he thought about what she was saying. It was overwhelming to love this woman and to have her love him back, and he was certain she did, even if she hadn't been able to tell him. Her eyes were wide and clear, showing him everything that was in her heart and he was humbled by it. It was frightening, the power she held over him, but as she had told him so earnestly, it was all the more reason to be together now, while they knew they could.

"You're incredible," he said softly. "I've never known anybody like you." It was all he could think to say to her, and it was true.

"That's part of my appeal," she teased, turning back around to watch the sun come up. The bottom curve was just starting to peek above the ocean and as beautiful as it was, she hated that it was happening. The more time passed, the sooner she'd have to give him up and return to reality. Which meant a long, preferably uneventful, shift on the bridge. Maybe it would be more fun than agonising to sit next to him if she knew they had an agreement. Becoming lovers was a whole new messy set of parameters, but in spite of herself, she was smitten with the idea.

"Wouldn't be a challenge otherwise," Kathryn finished, patting his knee as she snuggled in.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back tight against him. Resting his chin lightly on her shoulder, Chakotay kissed her cheek. "That's true," he said, pretending thoughtfulness. "Never let it be said that Kathryn Janeway's not a challenge."

The sigh of pleasure came from deep in his belly. The peace that had entered his heart and his life since he'd known Kathryn was nothing compared to how it felt when he was able to hold her. "We have to leave pretty soon," he said quietly. "When I come here I usually allow enough time to walk back through the forest - it's an easier transition back to the ship that way. But if you'd rather sit here we can call for the arch when it's time to leave. I have no complaints with this arrangement," he finished, unable to keep himself from nuzzling her neck. He couldn't seem to stop touching her but fortunately she appeared more than willing to indulge him.

"We do have a ship to run, don't we?" Sighing as she sat up, Kathryn poured the last of her coffee into the cup he'd given her for the walk. She turned around and kissed him once, lightly. "A walk is probably good," she agreed. She did need the time to ease herself down from high warp and settle back into the task at hand.

"That way I can see all the scenery," she teased him and stood up slowly. Lowering him a hand up, she winked. "I take this to mean you're a snuggler?"

He looked up into the twinkling blue of her eyes and for a moment an arc of sexual energy snapped between them. She was goading him, although he wasn't sure she knew it. Very slowly he reached for the coffee cup she was holding and put it down beside him, never breaking eye contact with her. He took the hand she offered in a light hold, examining the inside of her wrist. The same wrist he had kissed on Lake George.

In a flash she was down on her back, lying beneath him.

It was an old Maquis trick used more often to immobilize an enemy and he hadn't realized he was going to do it until it was done. His face was centimetres from hers and his heart was pounding, or maybe it was hers he could feel, beating against his chest. "I do like to snuggle, Kathryn." He whispered the words, brushing his mouth against the incredible softness of her lips. "Will that be a problem?"

Entirely shocked, she lay on the ground, staring up at him with the breath half-knocked out of her chest. Her heart kept racing in her ears and she pulled back a little from his kiss. She might even have a bruise on the back of her thigh from the tree root pressed into it, but she didn't care in the slightest. Kes would be discreet.

"Spilling my coffee would be a problem," she whispered back. Turning her head to make sure it was all right, she kissed him playfully and squeezed his shoulder with her hand. "Since you managed not to do that, I think we'll be just fine." She'd never been terribly good at wrestling, but after the Cardassian skirmishes, Justin had taught her a few things that she remembered. Kissing him just long enough to distract him, she got her foot beneath her and twisted free. Since she was smaller, and more flexible, she wriggled away. She patted his chest before she reclaimed her coffee. "Just remember sometimes I get to be on top."

Chakotay groaned and threw his hands out in mock despair, loving the spirit in her that never allowed for defeat. Desire coursed through him; apparently three hours in the ring the night before hadn't been enough to wrestle it back under his control, but it was all right. Kathryn cared for him, she wanted him, she was willing to move forward with him. He was happier than he had been in a very long time and the teasing, the playing and the anticipation were part of the pleasure of it all.

"All right," he ceded and stood, taking a deep breath and reaching to smooth a bit of grass out of her hair. "Back to the real world. Are you ready?"

"More ready than you, it seems," she teased. She loved that he wanted her. She hadn't had this delicious sense of anticipation in a long time. His fixing her hair made her wonder if it was all right and she made a mental note to check it in her quarters. Kathryn couldn't appear on the bridge disheveled.

Time and place mattered more to her than it did him, and as the newness wore off, being late for the bridge might end up being more appealing than it was at this particular moment. She wrapped her arm firmly in his and nodded. "I always worry about losing power in the holodeck. Sure you can pursue more hedonistic things...but run into an ion storm and you're stuck in a big empty room...naked."

That image made him laugh, but something else needed to be addressed.

"Kathryn." He pulled her back as she started to move toward the trees and the pathway. "I wasn't suggesting we stay," he promised her. "I wouldn't do that to you. We're due on the bridge in twenty minutes."

He watched her eyes to make sure she understood what he was saying, then resumed walking. "Besides," he said in a low voice, "twenty minutes isn't nearly enough time."

"Oh?" she raised an eyebrow and finished the last of her coffee as they walked. It wasn't littering to leave her cup on the trail, but she felt badly doing it, so she carried it.

"Is there an order of things that must be followed?" Kathryn asked, feigning innocence. "Some Maquis tradition? An ancient ritual with stones and summoning our carnal selves?" She grinned at him wickedly. "I do like trying new things."

She was going to be the death of him, which was after all only fair, since she was clearly trying to kill him.

"New things are good," Chakotay agreed pleasantly, refusing to be baited. "But I don't know about an order." He squeezed the hand that was tucked into his arm. "I'm not sure how orderly things will be when you're gasping my name."

They were over halfway. "Careful, this is the rocky part."

Kathryn scrambled up impishly. She could handle the rocks now that it was light, and she wanted an excuse to watch him chase her. It was sweet of him to be concerned, and she loved playing with him. Sexual tension had been gone from her life so long she'd almost forgotten what it was like. Thanks to Chakotay, she was remembering with a vengeance.

Putting her hands on her hips at the top, she smiled down at him. "Are you guessing that I like to gasp names mid-coitus based on any evidence, or is this just wishful thinking?" When he reached her, she leaned in close to his ear. "I'd be willing to support an empirical study into the subject."

A small shudder passed through him at the image that elicited. "I'm not making assumptions based on your past experiences, Kathryn," he said, catching her by the waist as they resumed walking. "Of course I'm all in support of scientific method," he continued.

"But rest assured," he spun her against the trunk of a tree, "there is no wishful thinking involved here. You will be calling my name." His mouth went to the base of her throat and he nipped her gently. Pressing his body fully against her, he let her feel his arousal for a moment, then kissed her soundly and let her go, continuing his way down the path.

Oh, he was a tease, wasn't he? Kathryn hadn't been teased in a long time, probably longer than she wanted to admit. Mark was a softer sort of flirt, more academic, even when it came to romance. Chakotay, on the other hand, seemed to be all passion. Maybe she should have given in earlier. She could have been with him since New Earth if she just hadn't...

Second guessing herself was never useful, so she stopped. Pausing in front of the arch, she trailed her hands up his chest, then kissed him. Exploring his mouth with her tongue, feeling his excitement build: both of those were things she could definitely get used to. "See you on the bridge?"

Taking a breath, he composed himself to return to the world of command and duty, the heat of her kiss still lingering on his lips. He was relaxed and refreshed, as if they really had been away from the ship and all responsibility. Time spent with Kathryn was good for his soul, he reflected, watching her blue eyes dance with an intriguing combination of tenderness and mischief.

His fingers reached out of their own accord to brush across her cheek. "See you on the bridge," he affirmed.

He gave her a dimpled grin as the holodeck doors slid open. "Try not to be late."


	5. Chapter 5

Kathryn paused in front of the replicator, rubbing her neck self-consciously even though the hypospray hadn't hurt at all. She'd gotten lucky and the doctor had been out of sickbay, enjoying his new mobile emitter. Kes hadn't even teased her when she'd double, then triple checked that her fertility inhibitor shot was up to date. Taking the glasses out of the replicator and setting them on the table, she ran her foot absently up and down her bare ankle. She barely ever wore dresses, but, this was a special occasion.

Smoothing the soft fabric down on her thighs, she spent a moment hoping Chakotay would be as careful with his own inhibitor. She imagined he was, but she couldn't have asked Kes without violating his privacy. Moving one of the plates nervously, she forced herself away from the table and over to her living room to put on her shoes. They'd been an extravagant waste of her replicator rations, but if she was going to dance with him, she wanted to be a little taller. Just so he didn't have to lean down so much when they...

Daydreaming about kissing him made her blush slightly, even alone in her quarters. Kathryn stood and wandered towards her bedroom to examine herself in the mirror. She so rarely let herself wear her hair down, and she had a feeling Chakotay would appreciate it. The idea of him tangling his fingers in her hair made her knees weak for a moment. Only taking command of Voyager had had this much of a physical effect on her. She'd been nearly buzzing with anticipation back then, and now she felt as if she hummed like a plasma conduit.

Looking over at the chronometer in his quarters, Chakotay realized he was perilously close to being late. Damn it. After planning his schedule so he'd have plenty of time to shower and dress - shower, dress, and enjoy the anticipation of being with her, if he was honest - in the last half hour of his shift no less than three minor crises had developed, all requiring his involvement. Why Neelix had felt the need to - no. He was not going to think about Neelix. Not when Kathryn was waiting for him.

Kathryn. He moved quickly through the corridor. Thinking about how things had changed between them felt vaguely unreal. He had resigned himself to the fact that they would never be more than friends. Although there had been moments when her feelings for him had broken through, she had never given him any indication that she wanted to change the nature of their relationship. In a way it had been more painful knowing she did care for him than thinking she didn't.

Ringing the chime, Chakotay felt a rush of warmth tinged by a hint of cool. He hadn't been nervous before a date in a very long time. Then the door slid open and he was momentarily speechless.

"You look beautiful," he said simply.

Kathryn beamed at him. "I was going to say good evening, but that is just as welcome." She waved him in, brushing her hand across his arm as he walked past. When he paused at her touch, she kissed his cheek gently. "How was the bridge? My ship still in one piece?"

She'd cheated and asked B'Elanna what he'd like for dinner. Grilled eggplant with a mushroom sauce was in the replicator and Tom suggested garlic in the mashed potatoes. Neither of them said anything but they'd both been smiling at her in a new way. As mildly embarrassed as she'd been, it was extraordinary to have that kind of connection with the crew.

"It's not the state of your ship you need to worry about," Chakotay said wryly. "It's the health of your crew." He lingered for a moment, trying to identify the subtle scent that surrounded her, something new, soft, and incredibly enticing. "I thought I was going to be late," he continued, then shook his head, shaking off the dust of the day.

Moving into the room he paused. "Mushroom sauce?" he asked her, surprised and touched.

He moved to the replicator. "I hope you don't mind but I have something to retrieve." After speaking his request he turned to hand her a small bunch of mixed wild flowers. "I thought this was more discreet than carrying them through Voyager."

"Oh, thank you..." she said, taking in the sweet smell of the flowers. They were truly lovely, the blossoms something she didn't recognise right away. "I suppose you can't really be seen carrying something this pretty through the ship. Other women...probably a few of the men...would get jealous." She took the time to cast him an adoring look before stroking his cheek with her hand. "And I'd just hate to have to toss anyone in the brig."

Kathryn appropriated a vase for her flowers and set them in the middle of the table. "You're going to spoil me." She poured him a glass of wine, and lifted her eyes to him as she poured her own. "Now, just what has endangered my crew?"

A spark passed between their fingers and up his neck as he took the wine from her. Chakotay clinked his glass with hers and took a sip. Spoiling her was definitely the idea, if only he weren't limited by replicator rations and duty schedules.

"I seriously considered airlocking the next person who came with a complaint." He'd learned to keep personnel issues vague when talking to Kathryn. If she had details, she tended to think she should be involved in some capacity, and he tried to shield her from as much of the meaningless drivel as he could. "Neelix is planning a party," he continued, deliberately changing the subject. "Apparently it's been an unreasonable length of time since the last one, and crew morale is in danger of taking a turn for the worse."

He grinned, knowing she enjoyed the Talaxian's gift for earnest hyperbole. "I was hoping to have a date for the event." He wasn't sure how she would feel about taking their relationship public so soon.

"Are you thinking of asking someone in particular?" she said, smiling wickedly. As he sat down across from her, Kathryn reached across and squeezed his hand. "I may not be precognitive but...if you ask, I imagine she'll have a very hard time saying no."

Looking across the table into Chakotay's deep brown eyes, she smiled and it was more shy than confident. Her stomach fluttered weakly but keeping her eyes on him made it quiet. "I'm told the crew would like to see both of us happy." Being happy didn't mean losing any of their authority. She might need to tell herself that over and over.

She glanced down at her plate, then up at him again. He was going to be intimidated by Mark, and he did want her to be honest. Sitting up a little straighter in her chair, she took another sip of wine.

"I never brought Mark to a Starfleet function," she admitted. "He's shy and he wasn't interested in meeting any of my crews. I had to drag him to the celebratory dinner when I was promoted." Chakotay was much better at supporting her emotionally, he'd proved that in the first year they'd served together. She was lucky, as odd as that was, to be sitting here with him instead of on Earth with Mark. "I can't picture you being as reticent to attend."

Filing away that bit of information about Mark, Chakotay shook his head. How could any man be with Kathryn and treat her in a way that left her feeling taken for granted?

"I'd be proud to take you anywhere you were willing to go with me, Kathryn," he said honestly. Her little bouts of shyness were utterly charming and tugged at his heart.

Sensing some sadness as she reflected on her time with Mark, he lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed her fingertips. "You and I have fun together no matter where we are." He grinned at her mischievously. There had been endless official dinners during the trade negotiations that were necessary to keep Voyager functioning. No matter how dull the event, thinking of laughing with her in her quarters afterward as they analysed the evening always got him through.

"We do seem to find a way to have a good time." He was the person, other than Tom Paris, who made her laugh the most. Kathryn wondered if he knew exactly how much she appreciated that about him. His lips against her fingers made a thrill run down her spine and settle low and hot in her hips. His lips were so warm; the thought of them against hers made dinner seem like a waste of time.

They did need the energy.

"I don't know how much fun I ever would have associated with the high office of command if I hadn't had you as my first officer." She reluctantly took her hand back to serve. "I'm very lucky."

Chakotay smiled in acknowledgement of the sweetness of her words but his mind was distracted. He'd seen the flash of desire cross her features when he kissed her hand. She was incredibly responsive to his touch and it took him a few seconds to pull his focus back to the dinner she had so carefully planned.

Teasing her on the holodeck had been mostly for fun and the pleasure of seeing her blush, but in truth he had always thought they would be compatible. Kathryn was a deeply passionate woman and even though she tended to be reserved about personal matters, the way she kissed him had let him know that he wasn't alone in his longing. It touched him deeply to know she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

He cleared his throat and ducked his head in an attempt to hide the grin on his face. "I'm happy here with you," he blurted out.

"Good." Not the most eloquent answer, but it was past her lips before Kathryn knew better. "You deserve to be happy." He'd had a rough few years before Voyager. Surely he deserved to get the most out of being stranded. Maybe even peace. He'd said something to that effect, less than a year ago.

"I certainly am. Happy I mean." There wasn't a subtle way out of it. "You'll like me even if I fail to be more eloquent than that, right?"

He laughed and shook his head. It was reassuring to know that she was as lost as he was. "It so happens that I already like you," he teased, reaching over their plates to brush a finger down her cheek. It was the understatement of a lifetime, but it would do for now.

Looking into her eyes was like coming home, an idea that rose unbidden and threw him even further off balance. "Eat," he said gently, taking his hand back. At this rate they would never be through with dinner and, delicious as it was, his thoughts were moving to other things.

"Yes, sir," she answered, grinning impishly.

The rest of dinner was one of those happy blurs. The food was excellent for replicated fare and vanished quickly. They sat across from each other, lazily finishing the bottle of wine over empty plates.

Just looking at him made her heart beat faster and any touch, no matter how subtle, made her wonder if she had the heat set right in her quarters. Kathryn didn't know what else she had to ask. The most important questions: would he respect her in the morning, did she care for him as much (or more) than she had Mark, would it be safe for the ship? They'd been answered.

"Chakotay," she drew his attention slowly, loving the way his gaze devoured her. "Would you think less of me if we left the plates on the table?" Half-teasing made it easier to say, even though staring at him had ceased to be enough a few minutes after he had arrived.

"That's one of the things I love about you," he smiled, "you always have a plan." He wondered at the wisdom of the word as soon as it was out of his mouth, but she either didn't notice or didn't mind. Rising from the table, he reached for her hand. "Come and dance with me," he suggested lightly.

Leading her into the centre of the living room, Chakotay pulled her gently into his arms. He was pleasantly lightheaded from the wine and the delicate scent of her hair wrapping around him. The lights were low from dinner and he studied her a moment, wanting to kiss her but enjoying the build up. "Do you have a music preference?" he teased gently.

"I'm terrible at the waltz," she teased him. Resting her hands together on the back of his neck, Kathryn looked up at him and winked. "And it's been a few decades since I did anything more complicated than the dying swan."

She stood on her tiptoes, peering into his eyes. "Are you a jazz man or more into Latin?"

Chakotay met her gaze quietly for moment, liking what he saw there. "Jazz," he said decidedly. He had no particular preference but jazz was sultry and suited the mood.

Kathryn called for the music and he drew her against him, one hand slipping under the silky weight of her hair to rest on the back of her neck, the other at her waist where his thumb drew soft circles.

He let the music set the pace as he led her in a simple dance. The rightness of having her in his arms permeated every part of him and although he'd held her before, he marveled at how well they fit together. This was something he could get used to and the thought caused him to pull her a little closer.

Dancing for no reason at all was something she did rarely. So much of her time was regimented between ship and sleep that dancing, unless it was for an important reason like talent night, needed to be tucked away. Swaying slowly in Chakotay's arms probably didn't even count much towards dancing.

Kathryn smiled sweetly at him, letting the tension in her arms and shoulders relax. Dancing with him definitely counted as living. Something she needed to do more of. "I would have guessed Latin." She teased, leaning closer. "More passionate."

His chuckle came out as more of a growl and he brushed his lips across her temple. Her teasing and the press of her body were doing incredible things to him.

Chakotay spun her gently, running his free hand up the side of her body and grazing lightly against the side of her breast. "Are you a fan of passion, Kathryn?" he asked softly.

"Yes, in general." she replied simply, dropping her hands down to his waist "In particular cases, like you, I'm very intrigued."

If he kept touching her like that, she'd have to show him just how intriguing he was. Mark hadn't been much for dancing either and it had been a long time since anyone's hand had touched her breast. "Wouldn't be much of a life if we didn't have passion."

His fingers had a mind of their own, moving slowly over her lower back and stroking their way up to burrow under her hair. The silkiness of it spilling across both hands was erotic in a way he hadn't anticipated. Chakotay played with it gently, entangling his fingers then pulling them free slowly, over and over, caressing the back of her neck as he did.

"I'm glad you feel that way, Kathryn," he murmured. Desire simmered in his veins as he dug his fingers in gently at the base of her skull, massaging the tightness that was there until he felt it give way. He tugged softly and her head tipped back a little, exposing the pale smoothness of her throat. Unable to resist, he bent to place his mouth there, feeling the pulse under his lips as he sucked gently at her skin.

Gasping slightly at the heat of his mouth, Kathryn held still for a moment, then melted against him. She folded her arms tightly around his shoulders. Her heart quickened in her chest, anticipating more of his touch. She sighed, shivering deliciously.

"And you agree," she answered for him, almost breathless. The heat of his body, pressed ever tighter against hers, made her flesh tingle through the thin fabric of her dress. "I can't see passion ever being something we lack." She slipped a hand up to his shoulder and held on tightly.

"I like it when you talk about the future," he grinned, knowing she could feel it against her neck. Kathryn's fingers tightened as he kissed his way down to her shoulder, nibbling gently at the spot just before her skin disappeared under the collar of her dress. Feeling her shiver against him was wonderful. He wanted to make her do it again.

Chakotay's hands slid down her back, curving over her butt gently to rest on her hips. Raising his head to look at her, there was a catch in the back of his throat. Her lips were parted, her breathing was short, her hair was toussled from his hands. With her eyes sparkling and her cheeks flushed, she was beautiful. She'd stolen his heart again and again, in a series of small moments from the time he'd known her. Now, for the first time, she was willing to take it from him deliberately.

"I see good things ahead for us," he promised and smiled. "Not the least of which is passion."

"Have you been time travelling without putting it in your logs?" she said playfully. Holding him tighter still, she kissed her way up to his chin from his neck. Kathryn pulled her head back, contemplating him with a slow, lusty smile. "I do love your optimism."

Kissing him slowly was beyond the limits of her fractured control. Instead, she kissed him hard and dug her fingers into his thick, dark hair. Nearly crushing her body against his, she held the kiss until they both were panting. "You're easy to love for that."

The sweetness of her mouth left him aching and breathless, but it was her words that brought him up short. Chakotay studied her face for a moment, finding something new there that filled him with delight, until the need threatened to overwhelm him. He kissed her hungrily, probing his tongue deeply, exploring, tasting and possessing until he was dizzy and she was flush against him.

He had to touch her. "Kathryn," her name was a groan. "Unless you want to make love here on the floor, I think you'd better take me to your bed."

Taking his hand, she led him to her bedroom. Like the rest of her quarters, it was spartan with a few touches of color. Standing with her back to the bed, she traced her hand up his sleeve and then held his cheek. "I'm glad you're here with me, Chakotay." Reaching around for the clasp, Kathryn paused and turned to let him undress her.

He gathered her hair gently and moved it to one side over her shoulder, and as he did his mind went back to New Earth and the first time he'd ever really touched her. The first time he'd wanted her. Kissing the back of her neck, he moved to nuzzle her cheek gently. "This is the only place I want to be, Kathryn," he said.

Chakotay's hands trembled as he opened the fasteners on her dress. Her skin was mesmerising, pale and smooth, warm to the touch as he traced a finger down her spine. Sliding the material forward to release her arms from the sleeves was simple enough, but he was stuck on how to free her from the rest. Planting a kiss between her shoulder blades, he straightened up and gave a little tug to no avail. "Help me," he implored, wanting to see the rest of her.

She giggled, turning around to him with her dress half off. "Maybe it's my turn." Grabbing the hem of his shirt, she eased up slowly. Dragging her fingers up the smooth, warm skin of his stomach, Kathryn slipped it free from his muscular shoulders. She loved his chest, both the warm tone of his skin and the muscles beneath.

"There's a trick to mine." She took pity on him and turned back. Reaching for her hip, Kathryn guided his fingers to the hidden catch in the fabric. "Feel that?"

Releasing the catch allowed him to slide his hand under the dress and down her bare thigh. "Mmmm, I do feel that," Chakotay breathed appreciatively. She was so soft, everywhere he touched.

Moving both hands along her hips, he helped her slip the dress down her legs and off. When she stepped out of the puddle of material and turned to face him he groaned softly. She was unbelievable. Standing before him in only her bra and panties, and a very delicate and high pair of shoes, he shook his head at how his fantasies had completely underestimated her.

"Kathryn," he said seriously. "If we don't take those shoes off you, it's going to be over before it's begun." He grinned and pushed her back onto the bed so she was sitting, then carefully removed her shoes, which were a series of complicated straps that took more attention than he'd wanted to give them. Chakotay took her bare feet in his hands and massaged each arch. The shoes looked torturous and he kissed her insteps gently.

Sighing as he kissed her feet, she writhed a little on the bed. Slipping off the end and grabbing him around the waist, she grinned at him. "Let's get these off."

Standing up with her fingers beneath his waistband, she slipped them around and undid the clasp. Sliding them down over his trim hips and his growing arousal, she nipped playfully at his neck. Kathryn finished with his trousers at his feet and wrapped her arms around his neck to kiss him; this time sinking her tongue deep into his mouth.

When she pulled back, she rested her cheek against his. "You make it easy to want you."

Chakotay tightened his grip around her waist, holding her close against him. She made him feel things he'd never felt before, things he hadn't thought he was even capable of feeling.

"I want you too, Kathryn." Having her undress him was incredible, and he was breathing heavily after that kiss, but it was so much more than that. He pulled back to look at her, stroking her cheek. "It's not just physical," he said gently. "You know that, don't you? I mean -" he grinned and pressed a little tighter against her. "It's obvious what you do to me, but what isn't so obvious is how you make me feel."

Having her know where he stood before they took this step was suddenly very important. "I take this seriously, Kathryn. I'm not playing." He was surprised at the rush of vulnerability that welled up in him. He traced her mouth with his thumb while watching the blue eyes absorb what he was telling her. "I'm in love with you," he said lightly, "and I don't see that ever changing."

Kathryn's eyes stung, as if she'd been hit with a sandstorm. He loved her, unashamedly. She hadn't thought she'd ever hear anyone say that to her again. Chakotay's feelings were undeniable and as naked as they were.

She turned him towards the bed, slipping in between his legs and blinking as the hot tears assaulted her eyes. She hadn't meant to cry. Kathryn reached for his hand, holding his fingers incredibly tightly. The first time she opened her mouth, her throat was too constricted to speak. She kissed him instead then took a deep breath. She was never ready for these kinds of truths. "Chakotay-" That wasn't the answer, she had to say it. "I love you too."

He squeezed her hand. His Kathryn. She'd hinted at the words and had thrown them out casually in places. He had seen the truth in her eyes, but now she was telling him how she really felt.

Chakotay reached up and cupped her face, brushing the tears away with his thumbs. "Don't cry," he teased gently, "it's good news." He knew why she was crying and in fact he felt like it himself. It had been a long road for her, for both of them. He was humbled and overjoyed all at once.

"Come here," he said. "Come and lie with me." Climbing up onto the bed, he made room for her beside him.

Propping himself up on his elbow, he stroked his fingers over her body, down her bare arm and back up, across the breasts still covered by the soft material of her bra, across her stomach. She was so beautiful and he wanted her more than anything, but they had all night. Just being with her and knowing how she felt, having it out in the open, he had everything he'd ever wanted. It was almost frightening; if he woke in the morning to find it had all been a dream he didn't know how he'd survive it.

"It's been a long time since I've had a good reason to cry," she whispered into his chest. Resting her cheek on his chest, she listened to the sound of his heart and wondered if her own would ever stop racing. Kathryn couldn't help being deeply touched, even grateful that he had made her cry. How long had it been since she'd been that vulnerable? She hadn't even allowed herself to admit how she'd grieved for Mark or what it was like to lose a member of her crew. She had to be unassailable in front of the crew.

Now, she was allowed, even expected to be human in front of him. Chakotay wanted to see into her heart. The least she could do was be honest, even if that was more terrifying than never making it back to Earth. Kathryn could approach building a home in the Delta Quadrant systematically. She could face down hostile aliens. When it came to him, she led with her heart and she knew her heart less than she knew her ship.

"Thank you," she said, holding him closer. The hand running up and down her chest was unbelievably distracting. "I'm not entirely sure if I can thank you for everything. For waiting, for being so romantic and so supportive. I didn't think I remembered how to fall in love with someone, but I do with you. It's like discovering a whole other layer of subspace. It's new again."

"It's new for me too," he acknowledged, watching gooseflesh rise where he touched her. "I never expected to feel like this about anyone ever again. Although..." he kissed her forehead. "I've never felt quite like this."

Reaching down, Chakotay nuzzled her neck, unable to resist the fresh scent of her or the softness of her skin. She felt so good everywhere he touched her. He kissed behind her ear and darted his tongue out for a quick taste. Letting his fingers wander over her hip, he brushed gently across the fabric of her panties. He couldn't seem to stop stroking her.

He kissed her mouth gently, then a little firmer when she kissed him back. When he pulled away he kissed her eyes and her cheeks, and ran his hand slowly up her side, sighing in pleasure as he did.

"Brave new worlds..." she mused, rolling up and reaching for the clasp of her bra. Shrugging free of it, she shivered. Her hair fell onto her naked breasts, tickling a little. Kathryn kissed his cheek, then worked her way down his stomach. Stopping wickedly with her hands on his hips, she sat up so he could have a better view of her breasts. Trailing her leg across his, she eyed his shorts with intent. "Some first contacts are more fun than others, aren't they?" her voice was almost a purr.

Straddling him as Chakotay's hands snapped to her hips, she nodded when he tugged gently at her panties. The last of their clothing just held them back.

He was instantly hard at the sight of her naked, and when she climbed on top need slammed through him and took his breath away.

"Kathryn," he groaned. She was radiant. Sitting up quickly, he reached for her, palming her breasts gently. They were soft and full in his hands; her little gasp of pleasure sent a shiver down his spine. He kneaded slowly, learning the feel of them, then more firmly when she pressed into his touch. Lowering his head to take a nipple into his mouth, he circled it first with his tongue, tasting her, before sucking it in fully. Quickly lost in the pleasure of it, his hands ran up her back, pulling her against him. He nibbled lightly before releasing her to take the other breast.

She rocked slightly against him and Chakotay paused a moment, eyes closed. He wasn't even inside her and already he was struggling for control. Opening his eyes he cupped her face in his hands and pulled her down, taking her mouth in a hungry kiss.

Between the desperate heat of him against her thigh, and her own growing ache low in her hips, Kathryn was surprised either of them had held off as long as they had. His hands on her breasts made her breath grow ragged and erractic. Panting as she kissed him, she ran her body over his, relishing the firmness of him against her flesh. His arms were so strong, and she'd always admired his hands. Having them devoted to her went straight to her head and made it spin. Breaking contact with his tongue, she nibbled down his neck and ground her hips against his. Did he need her permission or would he rather she guided him in?

She paused, smiling with dark amusement down at his erection before she dug her fingers into his chest. "Chakotay, I'm yours," she breathed.

Kathryn's words shook something deep inside him, bringing unexpected emotion to his throat.

Taking a shuddering breath, he slid a hand slowly across the soft inner plane of her thigh before moving it higher to seek the heat he could feel radiating from her body. The scent of her desire surrounded him, urging him on. He stroked her slowly, slipping gentle fingers into her and feeling her clench in response.

When she rose up he moved slightly to align them better. Holding himself in place, he stroked one hand across her hip, tugging her down gently. Everything in him ached and he writhed in frustration. "Can you -"

As utterly distracted as she was by the vast amount of his skin that was in reach, Kathryn had forgotten for a moment, in the wonder of him, just exactly what she was supposed to be doing. What she desperately wanted to be doing, she corrected herself. Kissing him gently, she nodded and kissed his neck on her way down. Reaching down with one hand, she wrapped her fingers around his cock and slowly guided him in to the wetness of her.

When she dropped her hand away and slid down the rest of the way with a flick of her hips, the breath in her throat turned to a gasp. For a moment Kathryn shut her eyes, getting used to incredible heat of him within her, then snapped them open. They needed to be together.

Wrapping his arms around her waist, Chakotay held her still for a moment. Being inside Kathryn caused a flood of feeling - tenderness, vulnerability, relief, joy, need.

Her eyes were a dark, smoky blue, reflecting back the love and desire that coursed through him. He smiled, feeling the connection that was the foundation of everything. He loved her more than he'd ever thought he could love another person and now she was well and truly his. She belonged to him, as he belonged to her, and he was never, ever going to let go.

That thought mobilized him. Sliding his hands up her back, he pushed up to roll them, flipping her deftly onto her back. Settling on top of her, resting between her thighs, he grinned at her surprise and shifted his weight so he wouldn't crush her. The urge to possess her burned like fire in his veins.

He moved slowly, gauging her reaction, until she sighed and shifted her hips, opening herself up fully to him. Chakotay thrust hard, abandoning himself to the aching need to be as deep in her as he could possibly get.

Both surprised and delighted that Chakotay was so forward, she bent her thighs back. Lifting her hips to meet him, she balled the fingers of her left hand into a fist in the sheets. Gasping and biting the inside of her lip, she caught her breath only to have him take it from her again.

The initial shock of penetration faded into a growing, consuming heat. Her body responded to him with joyful abandon, humming and starting to tingle. Arching up into him, she changed the angle just enough to make a cry die in her throat.

As new as he was to her physically, she knew his heart. Kathryn released the sheet and caught his chest with her hands. Looking up at his neck, and her glimpse of the line of his jaw, she saw the light in his eyes and surrendered to the connection she'd wanted to deny for so long. What they lacked in history, she was more than willing to make up with devotion and pure, eager, desire.

Feeling Kathryn move beneath him made him throb and tingle, and filled his mind with white heat. She made love the way she did everything, generously and with her whole heart, and the gift of it was not lost on him, even as his body pushed him forward to find release. He leaned down to kiss her mouth, searching for a way to acknowledge it.

Shifting his weight more to one side, Chakotay slid a hand down and underneath her thigh. He pushed her leg back closer to her chest and let the change in angle take him deeper. He slowed a little, and reached up to stroke her face, thrilling in the pleasure he saw there. Her hair was damp where he smoothed it back from her cheek and her eyes sparkled up at him. His hand sought hers, pressed against his chest, and he entwined their fingers for a moment, feeling past and future merge together.

The heat of her body teased mercilessly at his thighs and stomach. Pulling up a little from her, he bent to lick away the beads of sweat that pooled at the base of her throat, then slid his hand down between them to touch her. His thrusting grew more erratic as he circled her clit with his fingers and felt her press up against him in response. In spite of his best efforts, the urgency was beginning to take him.

His strong, sure fingers on her clit added white edges to blissful fog seeping into her brain. The firm, deep strokes of him within her already had plasma trails running up her spine. The shared heat of their bodies ran through to her toes, as if even her extremities could share the euphoria of his touch.

Tightening her inner muscles to meet him, they stumbled into a faster rhythm. Her nails ran along his back, sharp enough to be palpable but she was careful. She only left a mark when a particularly deep thrust made her cling that much tighter to him. The sweat of his chest mixed with her own until she was only aware of the shared scent of them. The idea of herself as a separate being faded into the back of her mind, disappearing with the guilt for denying what was between them for such a long time, and the never-ending stack of reports on her desk.

She caught his chin less gently than he had stroked hers. She pressed her forehead against his shoulder, bending herself ever closer to him. She moaned, hissing in her breath before she released her grip and dropped her hand to his shoulder. Pushing back to meet him and tensing her thighs to allow him deeper, her self-control evaporated. All that remained simply wanted him.

Quiet noises escaped him as he moved in her, gasps of pleasure, words from a language he didn't even know he remembered. And her name, spoken over and over in his mind and occasionally on his lips. He was lost, surrounded by her soft sounds, the salty taste of the skin on her neck, and the tight wet heat of her body stroking him. Her hands grasped at his back, fingernails marking and claiming him, and the sensation made him shudder and groan.

The intensity of it pushed him forward and he thrust harder, feeling like he could never have enough. In the back of his mind Chakotay marveled, but the thought was lost as quickly as it had formed and nothing remained except the beating of his heart and the rush of blood in his veins. Pressure pooled deep in his stomach, exerting a pull that he could not ignore, although he fought it as hard as he could. He didn't want it to end. He wanted to stay like this with her, always.

Kathyn had had enough lovers to know the agonising struggle to hold off climax well. She'd found it a little unfair in her naive youth that men had to fight their pleasure, and she could allow hers to wash over her like a summer thunderstorm until she was shaking like a blade of grass beneath the rain. She kissed, then sucked his neck. Orgasm taunted her, circling her like a stray comet. It was there with each thrust, a spinning, maddening warmth that crept ever closer.

Allowing it to conquer her only took a breath. She shivered then gasped his name into his neck. The pulsing fire of her pleasure mixed with her blood and spread out, following her fingers to the tips and making her lips tingle as she sobbed and laughed.

Feeling her tighten then spasm around him stole the last tiny remains of his control. Chakotay wanted to see her face when she gave herself over to it, to revel in her breathy gasps but his body overruled his heart. In the end he was helpless to do anything but pull her tighter against him. One arm underneath her shoulders, one wrapped around her hips, he pushed his way over the edge to where there was nothing but the heat and colour they had created. It coursed through him, wave after wave, for far longer than he would have thought possible.

Awash in warm light and a peaceful buzz, he fought to regain his breath. Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized he was lying on her. Too heavy. With heroic effort he rolled them to their sides, pulling her thigh over his hip to keep them joined.

Kathryn rolled her head up, staring at the dark ceiling of her quarters. She would have sworn there were sparks in her vision. As he rolled to the side and held her, she laughed softly and snuggled in closer to his chest. Listening to his breath calm and slow, she kissed the damp skin by her face.

"You're not going to break me," she teased, still out of breath. It was incredibly considerate of him to have switched their positions. She really shouldn't have expected anything else. Kathryn licked her tingling lips and amended, "At least, not in a way you can't mend. I feel already like I've been made whole."

Her throaty laughter flowed through him, soothing the last ragged edges of his laboured breathing and pounding heart. She was flushed and breathless, and she was happy. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her genuinely happy; there had only been a handful of times.

"I aim to please," he teased. Wholeness, that was the word. He pulled back a little to look at her, keeping her firmly in the circle of his arms. "I didn't want to crush you," he continued, stroking her cheek. "It seems self-defeating. I enjoyed that; I think I might like to do it again."

"Some experiments just beg to be repeated," she agreed, turning to kiss the fingers on her cheek. Turning around in his arms so she half lay on his chest, Kathryn settled down so she could see him. "I'd say you hit the target." She raised her eyebrows and smiled, completely sated. "Dead on."

She laughed again, slipping up to kiss him lazily. "You're incredible, actually."

Heat flushed up his neck, to his utter amazement. He hadn't blushed since he was ten years old.

"I was inspired." Chakotay buried his fingers in her hair, avoiding her gaze for a moment. Tangling his fingers in among the damp strands, he pulled them out gently. "I've never..." He tried again. "That was..." He really couldn't find the words, maybe it was too soon. He bent to kiss her, a wave of tenderness passing through him.

His free hand stroked her cheek gently. His fingers passed lightly over her nose and brow, then down her jawline and neck, across to the delicate collar bone and soft shoulder. That this vibrant, smart, incredible woman loved him was something that would take some time to settle in. Chakotay had lived a solitary, lonely life for a long time.

Tightening his hold around her, he breathed deeply, loving the scent of her and the freedom to lie with her in his arms.

Beaming up at him, she startled as he blushed. It was incredibly endearing. Kathryn didn't even think he could do it, but there was the pink in his face. "I think I've inspired a few things, effigies, long nights in Sandrine's...nothing as much fun as this."

She wriggled free enough to kiss him, lazily meeting his tongue with hers and memorising the feel of his mouth. Chakotay was, as she'd long suspected, a fabulous kisser. She liked being right. She kissed him again, more gently. "I have to-" she inclined her head towards her bathroom. "Can I trust you to stay put?"

He grinned. "Well, I do have a duty roster to put together, but," he pretended to consider his options for a moment. "All right." Watching her walk away from him was a joy all its own.

Stretching a little into the space around him, Chakotay groaned softly. He was going to be sore in the morning. He wasn't as young as he used to be, though apparently his body had missed that bulletin. As he adjusted the pillow underneath his head, he wondered about her plan for the night. She'd made sure they both had the next day off, which suggested she wanted him to stay, but he wasn't certain how she'd feel when the time actually came.

Although, after the way she'd made love with him, it seemed her doubts were behind her. He couldn't stop the smile that spread over his face. He'd known they'd be good together, but he hadn't expected such a profoundly intimate connection their first time. He should have known better.

Shivering a little, he sat up on the bed. The sweat on his skin was cooling and he wondered if he could coax her into the shower.

"Kathryn, you've got thirty seconds, then I'm coming in," he called out.

Emerging from the bathroom with a sheepish smile, Kathryn pulled her hands down from of her hair. "I know you'll say something impossibly romantic, like the fact that you like my hair mussed, or that I always look beautiful, but-" she trailed off as she climbed back into bed. She knelt next to him for a moment, pulling her hair back behind her shoulders and dragging her fingers through it.

"There are a few things I can do that make it ridiculously tangled. Velocity without putting it back. Camping. Camping seems to make everything messy." She curled up against his side, slipping gratefully into the warmth of the bed. "There were always leaves in my hair on New Earth," she complained.

Sighing at her own foolishness, she grinned at him. "And then every time I think of cutting it, I wonder if I'd miss it. Or if you'd miss it." She kissed his cheek and spread her fingers out playfully on his chest. "Though, that's a new thought."

"I would miss it," Chakotay confessed. It was such a part of her, and he'd enjoyed playing with it. Not to mention it served as a fairly accurate barometer of her state of mind. The more stress she was under, the less contained it was, as if to defy the rules that required her to keep her emotions so firmly under control.

There was something about Kathryn that just would not stay suppressed, in spite of her own best efforts. That thought filled his heart with delight.

Snuggling back down into the bed beside her, the idea of getting up to do anything else drifted lazily away. As he tucked the covers around her back, he settled a hand on her hip to let his fingers stroke the gentle curve. "You are beautiful," he said conversationally. "I don't think it's romantic if it's the truth."

"Truths can still be romantic," she sighed, snuggling closer into his chest. "They just have to touch your heart." He'd touched hers. He'd come so close that Kathryn wasn't sure she could separate him from her feelings.

That had been the fear. Loving him left her vulnerable, but being held made her feel invincible. With Chakotay, she felt human, and she'd almost forgotten that.

Her eyes stung but she could blame the slowly fading rush of orgasm. Kathryn sniffed, then sat up to kiss him. To explain the tears she was convinced were visible, she kissed him. "You're wonderful."

Chakotay caught her as she moved away and kissed her again, nibbling at her lower lip before letting his tongue slowly sweep through her mouth. Releasing her, he studied her face for a moment. Her eyes were wet and he brushed gently at the corners before pulling her back down to rest her head on his chest.

"Wonderful's not a word that many people have used to describe me," he said wryly, running a hand down her bare back. Wonderful was not a word that anyone had used to describe him, unless they were making a fumbling attempt to get something they wanted. Even his own family had found him confusing and difficult at times, much as they had loved him.

"In fact," he paused a moment, "I don't think anyone's ever looked at me the way you do." Chakotay's own emotions were suddenly more volatile. "I like it," he said softly.

"Good," she grinned and squeezed him tightly. "I might be telling you that a lot and I always mean it. You don't mess around once you're captain."

Running her fingers lazily over his ribs, she kissed the muscles of his chest and shivered contentedly. "I can't imagine any of your lovers not thinking you're absolutely wonderful." There were so many other things incredible about him, like his hands and the amazing softness of his lips. Not to mention the way his eyes burned through her heart into her stomach. He burned through her like phasers through duranium. "I love the way you look back."

He shook his head, embarrassed but deeply touched by her words. Something about Kathryn laid him bare and always had, from the first moment he'd set foot on her bridge.

Life in the Maquis had been brutal. He'd resigned himself eventually to a life of solitude, feeling that the years bearing witness to violence and horror had stripped him of an essential part of his humanity. His time spent with women had been mostly superficial and sexual. The closest Chakotay had come to a meaningful connection was Seska, and that had turned out to be a disaster.

These were not things he could explain to her just yet.

Stroking his way up her side, he brushed his fingers across her breast, watching the nipple tighten at his touch. There was something frightening about the way he loved her and how much he needed her, but he had never been one to sacrifice the present for a future that might not happen, good or bad.

When he looked down at her she was watching him. One of the things he'd always loved about her, even during their time on New Earth, was her willingness to let him think. His mind was slower and more methodical than hers, but she never seemed impatient. Her eyes sparkled with curiousity and interest but he knew from experience she'd wait however long it took for him to say what he had to say.

Shaking his head again, he pulled himself out of his thoughts and grinned down at her. "You're missing an important point," he said playfully. "I look at you like that because I want you, because I need you, and because I'm so in love with you I can't think straight. It's not me, Kathryn," he said more seriously. "It's you. It's all you."

Kathryn smiled at him patiently, deeply curious what he was thinking. She could ask, but she loved watching him think. He was so impossible to read that she was grateful they'd never tried a poker game on board. Chakotay's thoughts were his own but he'd tell her when he was ready. He took time to formulate his words, something she respected but didn't quite understand.

His fingers on her breast made her smile and when he finally spoke, her smile spread over her face. Her eyes started to sting again halfway through what he was saying. It couldn't be her. She didn't want it to be true because falling madly in love was just one more responsibility. He was something she could lose, and her life without him was a cold and terrifying thought. By the time he finished his thought, tears ran freely down her face.

"Chakotay," she whispered, throat choked. She swallowed and dredged up her composure. What was she supposed to say to that? What would possibly echo the feeling in his eyes. "I love you too," she stumbled.

"Hey, hey," he said, surprised by her reaction. Too much, he reminded himself. It had been an intense evening and she was still wrestling with what was happening between them. Hell, less than a week ago she'd nearly died. Sitting up quickly he scooped her off his chest and into his arms. "Come here," he murmured into her hair, although he was already holding her.

She wriggled a little, trying to pull away to compose herself, but he shook his head. "Stay here," he said softly, not wanting to let her go. Tears were spilling down her cheeks and onto his chest. "It's all right, Kathryn. It's just you and me."

Being held made it safe, and she'd been home on Earth the last time she was this safe. Tears slid silently down her face as she tried to place the feeling behind them. She trusted him implicitly and held the distinction between personal and professional. Voyager was fine. The ship had her captain and the crew had their first officer.

She had a lover. A man who thought nothing of grand sweeping gestures and romantic admissions. Kathryn wasn't romantic. The things Chakotay said, and the way he said them were burned into her memory. He was terribly sweet, and he could tell she was upset just by looking at her.

"Chakotay-" she sighed and bit her lip before she made herself finish. "I'm afraid. Not of you," she promised quickly. "Of us. Of the future. This was so incredible. You're so-" She squeezed his arm with a hand. "None of my relationships have ended well."

"I know," he acknowledged. He understood how difficult it was for her but it tore at his heart when she spoke like this. There was nothing he could do to reassure her. He wondered guiltily if he'd been too selfish in working so hard to convince her that this was right for them.

But was it better to be alone and isolated, loving each other from a distance? Nothing was ever easy in the Delta Quadrant. The unfairness of it gnawed at him, and he laughed silently at his own foolishness. If there was one thing he'd learned long ago it was that life was not fair.

It didn't matter. Nothing mattered but her. Chakotay rubbed her back slowly and felt her shiver a little. When she looked up she gave him a small smile, which he met with one of his own. "Better?"

He wiped at her wet cheeks with his thumbs. "Kathryn," he hesitated. "I don't have to stay tonight. If you'd rather have some time alone..." He wanted so badly to fall asleep with her in his arms. It killed him to offer but he'd promised not to push.

"I didn't know you were the kind of guy who snuck home with his boots in his hands," she teased.

Too overwhelmed to lighten her tone, Kathryn still managed a warm smile. Watching him smile back reminded her that she'd made the right decision. No matter what happened, she was already grateful for tonight. It had been nearly three years since she'd done anything this self-centring and as confusing as her heart was, she knew it would come around. She usually did.

"Someone might see you," she continued, nuzzling his hand. "Can't have rumours floating around that you're sleeping with someone on the crew. I might have to pretend to be jealous...or out myself as that member of the crew. Either of those would just end badly." Probably with Tom outrageously amused. She owed him a serious answer, and settled back down, holding him close enough that he'd know he wasn't leaving. She toyed with his fingers, running her smaller ones over them lightly. "I'd much rather you stayed. I can't order you, but I could make it a formal invitation."

Relief flooded him as he stretched out beside her once more. The thought of his lonely quarters after spending the evening in her arms was too much. Tomorrow, when their emotions had settled, they could begin the process of working out the logistics. For tonight Chakotay wanted to soak in everything about her and pretend that life was simple and free from danger and risk.

They spent a moment figuring out pillows and covers before she snuggled against him again. Her cheek was warm on his chest, still damp from her tears, and her breath tickled in a way he found oddly reassuring. As she relaxed her breathing deepened and he lay listening to her in the quiet of the room.

"Kathryn," he said softly into the darkness. "It'll be okay. I don't know how I know, but it will."

She didn't answer. She was asleep. Just as well, he thought. He could hold that truth for the both of them.

Shifting them slightly to the side, he wrapped his arms around her a little more tightly, then closed his eyes and let sleep take him.


	6. Chapter 6

Kathryn only wore her hair down because he'd asked. Something in Chakotay's eyes softened when he'd made the request and it was too sweet for her to resist. Her grey dress was a little flirtier than she'd normally choose, and the ruffles along her calves whispered while they walked through the corridors, arm in arm. No one gave it a second glance, but her cheeks were half-flushed and she couldn't help the rush of pride that flowed through her to be at his side. They weren't an item, yet, but they'd spent the morning together, lazily in her quarters, they were attending Neelix's festival together and Kathryn was giving it until 0200 before it was the only piece of gossip on the ship.

"Have you been to one of these before?" she asked curiously as they got into the turbolift. "A gratitude festival. The request Neelix sent about it was so excited, I have to say he's made me excited."

Chakotay shook his head, grinning at her exuberance. "I haven't," he admitted. In all honesty he hadn't given it much thought. All his thoughts were reserved for the woman on his arm, who was currently almost dancing with anticipation as the turbolift sped them to their first official function as a couple - not the captain and the commander, but Kathryn and Chakotay. He was excited and a little nervous, but mostly he was simply happy that she was happy.

They exited the turbolift and strolled toward the holodeck. This was the woman he'd fallen in love with on New Earth; playful, relaxed, and thoroughly intrigued by the idea of a surprise. They were running a little behind and the corridor was empty. He stopped short of the entrance and squeezed the hand that was gripping his arm. "Are you ready?"

Kathryn looked around secretively and leaned in close to whisper to him. "No," she said, grinning. "I'm not ready at all." She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and gripped his hand. "I'm sure it'll be fine. Everything will be fine. We're not the first, and certainly not the last, couple _Voyager_ will see." She dug her fingers into the back of her neck and then shook her head.

"I'm trying to reconcile the fact that something we want, might be something the crew can not only accept, but support," she thought aloud. "They want us to be happy. Just as much as we'd wish any two of them well. And then part of me can only think about you." The smell of him lingered in her nose, and she could still feel the touch of his lips against her breasts. She leaned in closer still and whispered wickedly, "I do hope you're coming back with me after the party."

Leaving him with that thought, she took his arm firmly and walked them straight in.

His breath caught in the back of his throat and he coughed a little. Shaking his head and grinning in spite of himself, Chakotay let her lead him onto the holodeck. That was exactly what he needed in his attempt to look calm and unconcerned - images of a naked Kathryn running through his head.

The noise of the crowd enveloped them, and he relaxed automatically as he looked around at the faces of their friends and colleagues. The party was in full swing; people mingling, drinking, eating and dancing. Neelix was circulating furiously, carrying a platter of what Chakotay assumed were renewal scrolls. As morale officer Neelix had insisted that the crew have the opportunity to write their problems on the little slips of paper, which would later be burned in a ceremonial fire. Never before had Chakotay been so grateful for the reliability of _Voyager_'s fire suppression system.

Bending to ask Kathryn what she'd like to drink, he was pulled off balance by a hand grasping enthusiastically at his free arm.

"Chakotay!" B'Elanna beamed at him. "Good evening, Captain. It's wonderful to see you both. I was beginning to think you weren't coming." Her eyes sparkled as she glanced quickly at Kathryn. Something interesting had definitely gone on between the two of them. He'd never thought to ask Kathryn about her conversation with his oldest friend. Interesting.

"We wouldn't miss it," Kathryn promised. She couldn't tell if the quick raise of B'Elanna's eyebrows was because she and Chakotay had arms linked, something they'd done before, or because it was simply that obvious that they were together. "Wouldn't be very gracious of us, would it, Chakotay?"

B'Elanna looked between the two of them and her eyes quickly took in the way Kathryn's hands were wound tightly around his arm. Kathryn glanced down at her fingers, then up at B'Elanna. She wasn't sure if she should blush or wink or grin like an idiot, but the latter seemed to be winning without her consent.

"I think we all have a great deal to be grateful for this year," Kathryn finished.

"Like the fire suppression system," B'Elanna quipped, sharing a glance with Chakotay.

Kathryn glanced at the ceiling and nodded. "I'm going to get us a drink," she said. Letting Chakotay and B'Elanna talk for a moment or two could be fun. He certainly had to have a lot to say. She squeezed his hand, wishing she could kiss his cheek, and headed for the tall glasses of replicated springwine.

Watching Kathryn cross the room, he took a moment to appreciate her dress. The bottom edge teased her calves tantalisingly, and his gaze slid automatically up her legs, lingering for a moment. Pulling himself away, he returned his attention to B'Elanna, who watched him knowingly.

"You look like you want to say something," he said, pointedly. His voice was stern but he knew she could see through him. B'Elanna knew better than anyone what this meant.

"Don't I always want to say something?" B'Elanna quipped over the edge of her wine glass. She watched his eyes linger and made a mental note to ask Tom if he agreed with Chakotay's obvious appreciation for the captain's legs. If she asked in front of Harry, she could probably make the ensign snort his spring wine. "You look happy; more relaxed. I don't want to be crude, but I'll bet a month of replicator rations that I could name a few things you're grateful for. It had been awhile, hadn't it?"

She paused and leaned in a little closer, conspiratorially. "The captain looks happy. Really happy. I guess you never forget, right? Just like flying a landskimmer." She ended in a smirk.

Chakotay tapped her gently under the chin. "Show a little respect, you're talking about your commanding officers." He couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face and his hand settled on her shoulder in a friendly squeeze.

He studied the eyes of the woman who was the closest thing to family he had left. Carrying a reputation for being prickly and difficult, underneath it all B'Elanna had one of the biggest hearts he'd ever known. Clearly delighted, she teased like the little sister she had always been to him.

"Thank you," he said quietly. "I know you talked to her. It made a difference. Losing the respect of the crew is her biggest fear." Not her biggest fear, but the other was too private for him to share with anyone else.

"I'm sorry, Commander," she quipped. "Would you like to discuss your relationship with the captain or the way you can't stop looking at her legs, Sir." She finished with a wicked smile. "Which entirely surpass Starfleet expectations."

When they were Maquis, she would have been anything but respectful when he had a new lover. She'd given him a hard time for everyone who didn't measure up because she cared. It surprised the hell out of her how much she cared at first, then she'd realised they were family. Letting go of the Maquis family and building a new one on _Voyager_ had been hard at first. She'd hated Janeway and her Starfleet rules almost as much as she hated her mother and the Klingon ones.

Now, three years later, her heart had changed. She was happy here, trapped in the middle of nowhere. B'Elanna was useful, even respected, and she was still getting used to that. Leading Chakotay aside, over by the window, she took a slow sip of her springwine. The fruity sweetness and the bubbles reminded her of Bajoran friends they'd left behind.

"She needed to talk," she began, still surprised by the conversation she'd had with the captain a few days ago. "I guess I, most of the crew, forget she's human. She's the captain, and she's always the captain. It took me a minute or two to realise she needed a friend more than she needed an engineer. That's how much you mean to her."

"She's in love with me," he said softly. He hadn't meant to say it then, or in that way, hadn't meant to even tell B'Elanna but when he opened his mouth that was what came out. Which maybe wasn't that surprising since it was the only thing he'd been able to think about since Kathryn had told him. Chakotay grinned sheepishly and ducked his head.

He slid a hand up the side of his face, pulling his focus back to his friend. "I'm glad she talked to you," he continued, thinking aloud. "She isolates herself, and I know that all most people see of her is the captain. I'm hoping you'll get the chance to see more." He looked at B'Elanna. "It's really hard for her. She's struggling but she wants to give it a try. She wants to be with me." His face split into a grin. "And I want to be with her."

So much for playing it cool.

B'Elanna tried and failed utterly to keep from giggling. Maybe it was the wine or the Targ-in-a-mudpit smile Chakotay wore. "How could she not love you?" she teased softly. "Look at you, you've been everything she's needed for three years on top of being yourself, Chakotay. You're a catch." He'd been popular in the Maquis, and yes, she'd carried a bit of a harmless crush on him for a while. She understood why a woman could fall so hard for him.

And, surprisingly enough, the captain was a woman. "You know she was worse than a cadet in there, behind the plasma manifold. She dropped tools, couldn't focus; I was about to think she was possessed by some alien when she started talking." Then she'd seen something she'd never thought she'd see. Vulnerability, fear and a wistful kind of loneliness were all trapped behind the captain's best smile.

"Neither of you can do anything half way, can you?" she teased, clinking her glass against his. "Impulse to warp nine point nine." She studied him with amusement. "She'll understand eventually. The crew might even enjoy seeing both of you smile like that--"

He laughed with her, liking the idea of Kathryn awkward and clumsy because of him. As much as he'd love to tease her about it, he'd never mention it. The last thing she needed was to think the crew saw her as letting her personal life infringe on her ability to do her job. But...it was charming to think of her that flustered.

Chakotay scanned the room, looking for her, and spotted her talking to Samantha Wildman in a corner. She looked comfortable enough and was laughing at something Sam had said. Apparently his drink had gone by the wayside, but it was more than worth it if she was enjoying herself.

Returning his attention to B'Elanna, he realised what he'd done. Again. "Sorry," he grinned. "I guess I'm a little distracted. It's got nothing to do with the company, I promise." He patted her arm and let his hand rest there. "Thanks," he said, realising how entirely inadequate it was. "You're a hell of a friend, B'Elanna."

B'Elanna shrugged, pretending not to be moved. She was touched they'd managed to stay friends; B'Elanna wasn't good at keeping them long. He was her oldest friend on board and very nearly the oldest she had in any quadrant. "We look out for each other," she reminded him. "That Starfleet thing. Duty, honour, friendship, shiny boots."

Waving down Neelix, she grabbed a drink from his tray and handed it to Chakotay. Tom Paris and Harry Kim had emerged from behind the table of food and both of them smiled across the room. Tom's little salute with his glass made her grin, probably a smile as goofy as Chakotay's. "And who knows, maybe flyboy will stop messing around and ask me to dinner. Do you think the captain would double date?"

She'd said it for a laugh and then realised, watching the captain greet Tom and Harry, that dating Chakotay might just bring the captain down from the lofty heights of the command chair to the deck-plates with the rest of the crew. She couldn't resist one more question. "You didn't think you'd ever, you know, when we met her, did you?"

What had he thought about _Voyager_'s captain when he'd first encountered her? She'd been a surprise from the start. More reasonable than he'd expected from a Starfleet representative, suggesting almost immediately that they work together to recover Harry and B'Elanna and treating him as an equal rather than the terrorist she'd been sent to apprehend. Her decision about the array had been sound and the gutsiness she'd displayed in proposing they amalgamate their crews was not something he had expected from someone so clearly by the book.

He'd been intrigued and he was man enough to appreciate that she was beautiful, but back then his trust was almost impossible to earn. He wasn't looking for anything and she was clearly not going to be interested in a quick release of tensions.

"No, not at the beginning." Chakotay shrugged. "You remember what I was like then. We worked pretty well together from the start but it wasn't until Seska that I realised she was also my friend." Kathryn had displayed incredible kindness and generosity toward him when his personal life had almost gotten them all destroyed.

Rubbing the back of his neck, he remembered. "When we thought we might lose some of the crew to the thirty-sevens, I realised that we depended on and could support each other." He shrugged. "Then we were left on the planet. The rest you know."

B'Elanna knew more than anyone on board, aside the two involved, what the planet had been like. She couldn't imagine giving up one life, building another and then having to give up that one as well. She remembered the conversation well, and now when she really thought about it, she hadn't been all that surprised. The captain, she was never really going to be able to think of her as 'Kathryn', was intelligent, determined and passionate. If she could share her heart with Chakotay and the ship, B'Elanna predicted they'd be very happy together. Something they richly deserved.

"Seska fooled all of us, not just you," she reminded him. Patting his shoulder, she smiled to chase the memory. There was something she had to ask him before the captain came back. At her most flustered, the captain had asked about children. Watching her talk to Sam Wildman, B'Elanna gave Chakotay an appraising look.

"You didn't hear it from me, of course, but if all goes well--" She couldn't think of a reason in the universe, short of tragedy, that would stop them from staying together until the end of time. Chakotay was smitten and considering the captain's behaviour, she was too. "She wants children. Someday. You'd make a good father you know."

Not much took Chakotay by surprise, but he looked at her with complete astonishment. Kathryn had talked to B'Elanna about wanting children? About...children...with him.

He loved children, something B'Elanna was keenly aware of, although he doubted she'd said anything that direct to Kathryn. In his life before _Voyager_, when they had made runs to the border settlements providing food and supplies, he'd inevitably ended up with a small group of them tagging after him wherever he went. He made what time he could for stories and tried to find little jobs for them to do. Seeing the relief on their parents' faces was constant validation that the Maquis were meeting a need nobody else could be bothered with.

Struggling for words, his eyes automatically sought out Kathryn again on the other side of the room. Children. It was too much to hope for but in spite of himself a spark flickered through his chest.

Returning his attention to B'Elanna, he composed himself as best he could. "That's interesting. We haven't talked about it."

She'd only seen him struggle this hard to keep his composure a few times in her life. Most of the time, in fact, each other time, he'd been angry. Now, she wasn't even sure she could name the emotion in his eyes. Was it hope? All of their prospects were changed. B'Elanna wouldn't have started a relationship with anyone she intended as more than a fling in the Maquis. They didn't have time for that. _Voyager_ was different, calmer, and in some ways safer. As Naomi Wildman was proving, a child could grow up on _Voyager_ and be loved and safe.

"I don't think she meant right away," B'Elanna promised him, squeezing his arm and finishing the last of her wine. "It surprised me at first. She doesn't seem to have much time to do anything for herself. Not that the rest of us do." She stared at her fingers, wrapped around the stem of her glass and caught a glimpse of Tom smiling as he neatly stole the captain's attention from Sam.

She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I didn't say this, because it'll ruin my reputation as a grumpy Klingon. I can think of many worse places to raise a child and few better women to raise one with."

"Your secret's safe with me." Chakotay gave her a full on smile and took a deep drink of his wine, swallowing with it the emotion that was clogging his throat.

It meant more to him than he would have imagined to have her approval. When they'd first come aboard _Voyager_, he'd spent considerable time and energy trying to help Kathryn and B'Elanna see that they were more similar than either wanted to admit. He'd been happy when they'd come to like and respect each other, but he'd always had the feeling there was more there for both of them if they could overcome the fear that kept each of them from reaching for it. Maybe that was starting to change now.

Sam Wildman had helped Naomi, now nearly two, write a clumsy scroll full of things she saw as problems. Ice cream not being real dinner was the top of them and not enough holodeck time being the bottom. Sam's scroll started with missing her husband, and Kathryn imagined a lot of the crew's had begun with loved ones missing. She missed her mom, and Phoebe, but having Chakotay was taking the edges off of her grief.

Even glancing at him across the room filled her with a new warmth she'd just rediscovered she was capable of. She was grateful for every centimetre of him and the way he'd been smiling at her when she'd woken up this morning He was already so dear to her heart that she couldn't imagine life without him.

She must have looked somewhat idiotic standing there, scroll in hand as she stared off into the space far too close to Chakotay. She could have watched him talk to B'Elanna all night but Tom stole her attention with a winning smile and the offer of a pen.

"Good evening, Captain," he said cheerily, watching her eye the first officer. She was good at it, very discreet, but he'd been around the block enough times to recognise covert surveillance when he saw it.

"I couldn't help but notice you seem to be having some trouble with your scroll. I'd have thought as captain you'd have more than enough problems to fill a table of scrolls." Taking her empty glass, he scooped a fresh one for her off a passing tray. "Unless you've decided to focus more on what you're grateful for?" he asked innocently.

Kathryn beamed up at him and took the pen. Pausing over the scroll, she looked at him in mock astonishment. "I write down my problems?" she asked innocently. "Well thank you, Mr. Paris, I've never been that good at intercultural studies. My Klingon is terrible and my Vulcan's not much better."

She eyed the piece of paper and then looked up at him. "Do you think the Prophets would prefer if I called you my rebellious yet talented helmsman or my insubordinate flyboy?" she asked with a wry smile. She could afford to be cheeky. Nothing was going to spoil today. Nothing could after that morning.

"Captain, you wound me." Tom made his voice sound hurt. "I can't count the times I've been called insubordinate. I'd expect something more original from you. You should definitely go with the first."

Twirling his wine glass, he studied her. Out of the corner of his eye he caught B'Elanna looking at him - an interesting piece of information that he filed away for future reference.

"So, Captain," he grinned at her, changing the subject. "Are you here alone?"

"But I'd really like to use flyboy," she mock pouted. Tapping her ink pen on the paper, she grinned at the antiquity of using a pen just like in her holoprogram. What would Maestro say if she started writing Chakotay's name in the corners of her papers just to see the way the ink clung to his name? Shaking that out of her thoughts, she smiled at Tom. He'd asked a question and she had less than a second to answer before she'd look suspicious.

"Actually, I came with someone," she answered, beaming. "And you?"

Touché, he laughed to himself, enjoying her quickness. "Yes," he said forlornly, taking a drink of his wine. "I couldn't get a date. Both the Delaney twins were already spoken for and the most beautiful woman on the ship shows some signs of being off the market. It's heartbreaking actually. The rest of us may never get over it."

He watched the captain carefully as he spoke. "Not that anybody could really blame her if she were," he continued lightly. "She certainly deserves to have a life for herself as long as we have to be out here."

Flushing just a little that he was talking about her, Kathryn wracked her brain. "I thought B'Elanna had no intention of taking up Ensign Vorik's offer?" she quipped. Bringing up B'Elanna was an unfair distraction, but she didn't know what to else to say. Even Tom wanted her to date Chakotay? That was too much for one evening. "I thought she was still single."

She could only beg off so long. Tom knew about her and Chakotay, he was just having too much fun not saying. "It's a small ship, Mr. Paris. Perhaps if you told a beautiful woman how you felt about her, it would work out to your advantage. I know the last time someone-" she had to force herself through sheer force of will NOT to look at Chakotay- "Told me he was in love with me, my response to him was about as subtle as a plasma flare."

Wow. Tom bet that was right. He'd always wondered vaguely, and for the most part innocently, how the captain's passion on the bridge might translate into other areas of her life. Forcing down the inappropriate thoughts that brought to mind, Tom gave her a lazy grin.

"Love? Captain, who said anything about love? I was just trying to get myself a date for Neelix's party here." He was surprised at how the thought of B'Elanna with Vorik irritated him. Casting a casual glance, he noticed she was still talking to Chakotay. Maybe he'd see if she wanted to dance.

"Oh!" she let her eyes widen in surprise. "You just need a date!" Kathryn feigned apology and scribbled four words quickly on her scroll. She tossed it into the fire and beamed at Tom as it crackled.

"I think I can help you with a date," she promised, taking his arm. "She's been monopolising mine for the last few minutes and I'm afraid I'm the jealous type." She walked Tom over to Chakotay and B'Elanna. Her engineer seemed to have answered a puzzle; she knew that victorious look. Chakotay was harder to read.

"I never got you a drink," she said playfully. "Maybe you'd dance with me and let me make it up to you?"

Chakotay set his glass down, smiling warmly at B'Elanna, and took Kathryn's hand. "I think that can be arranged." As he led her away to the area that had been cleared for dancing, he heard Paris ask B'Elanna as well. Now that would make an interesting combination.

But not as interesting as the woman in his arms. As he pulled her against him, being careful to leave a respectable distance, he couldn't help but think of dancing with her the night before in her quarters. It was cheating a little but he let his fingers brush against the soft hair that hung temptingly in the middle of her back. They were in public, but it wasn't like they were on duty.

Kathryn's eyes sparkled and her cheeks were a little flushed. He was curious about her conversation with Tom and his heart was still beating faster from what B'Elanna had told him. There was so much he didn't know about her. It was wonderful to think that he was actually going to have the chance to find out.

"How are you doing?" he asked softly.

"I'm doing wonderfully," she promised, beaming. "I discovered the things I really wanted to write on my renewal scroll. After Mr. Paris explained that I had to write down my problems, not their solutions." His hand was deliciously warm on her back. The fabric of her dress was thin and she liked knowing he was so close. "I would have hated the Prophets to think you were a problem."

Settling down from the high she was experiencing just being in his arms, she looked up at him shyly. "I was told I'm off the market. Being that I thought I was still engaged, I was a little surprised to know I had even been on the market. Maybe it was a private auction." She closed a little of the distance between them and smiled wickedly. "How much of an appearance is a good showing?"

Chakotay laughed. "Well, I'm not sure but being as we've only been here an hour it might be too early to leave." Spinning her gently, he noticed they were gathering some attention. "Besides, I like having the chance to show you off." He tightened the arm that was around her waist in response to her moving closer. If the gossip mill was going to take this on, they might as well get it right on the first try.

"I'll admit though, this is more difficult than I thought it was going to be."

"Dancing?" she teased. She knew he meant something else. Whether it was avoiding kissing her, which she found rather difficult on her end, or staying out in public she wasn't sure. The crew were smiling, but she wasn't sure if it was because it was a party or because both of them were so obviously happy. If the captain was happy, the crew was happy. If the first officer and the captain were both ecstatic...well--

Batting her eyes at him coyly, she looked down at her feet. "I'm not stepping on your toes am I?"

She drove him crazy when she teased him like this. "Well, I didn't want to say anything," he grinned at her, resisting the urge to brush his lips across her forehead.

"I talked with B'Elanna," Chakotay said, growing more thoughtful. "She's happy for us. Not that I'm surprised, but..." He trailed off, knowing Kathryn would understand.

Swaying back and forth in his arms, she flushed slightly. She'd been such a mess in front of B'Elanna. She'd been entirely lucky they'd been in a small, confined Jefferies tube and she hadn't caused a bigger scene by being love-struck. Kathryn finally sighed, lowering her head to his shoulder as the music slowed down. Maybe Neelix was watching them. Maybe everyone was watching them. Perhaps she really didn't care.

"I needed someone to talk to," she began softly. "She's good at solving problems. You're a puzzle and I'm an enigma; I didn't know what to do." She turned her head, resting her other cheek on his chest. She felt his chin on her head and smiled. "I didn't know I'd been that isolated until I started talking. Then everything spilled out like explosive emotional decompression."

He tightened his hold as she snuggled in. This was what had been missing all evening. Having his arms around her made him feel as though he were literally soaking her in, as if he were some sort of sponge. He wondered vaguely if he'd ever get enough of it - not that it mattered. He wasn't planning on ever letting her go.

"Kathryn, that's a good thing," he murmured into her hair. "I'm glad you talked to B'Elanna. Do you remember at the very beginning of all this, I said I wanted you to have time for yourself as well as time for me? This is the kind of thing I was talking about."

Pulling back a little, he ducked his head. "Hey, look at me," he said softly. "I'm proud of you. I know how hard that was. You made quite an impression on B'Elanna - a positive one," he added quickly.

Her expression must have flashed too quickly through embarrassment, shock and astonishment. Kathryn wasn't sure what she was feeling, or how she'd ever allowed herself to be here: in front of at least a third of the crew, in Chakotay's arms, about to cry. Or kiss him. Neither of which she could afford to do.

"I didn't-" she stammered. Her eyes stung but she determinedly kept her smile. "I wasn't trying to. I wanted. I don't know what I wanted. I wanted to be available for you. You deserve everything I have and I wasn't sure I could commit to that. B'Elanna's opinion means a great deal to me, Chakotay. I- I'm never sure. I know the crew respects me. I hold B'Elanna in the highest regard as an engineer." She was babbling now. "I was an idiot in front of her and she--"

"Sssshhhh," Chakotay hushed her softly. The tears were close, just below the surface.

He was still getting used to the volatility of her emotions, not that it bothered him. She had an expressive spirit, it was one of the things he loved most about her, and for close to three years she'd kept almost everything to herself. It wasn't unusual that now that she was starting to let the lid off it was somewhat overwhelming for her. But for all her comfort level was a bit more permissive, she would never forgive herself if she cried in front of the crew.

"You didn't do anything wrong," he reminded her. "B'Elanna didn't think you were an idiot, in fact she was touched that you think enough of her to talk like that." He stroked Kathryn's back as they danced and she relaxed. "Everything's okay," he said softly.

She knew that, logically. If she'd been Vulcan she might have been able to store away everything she felt for him and only dealt with it every seven years. Chakotay held her as if nothing was wrong. She turned her forehead to his chest and let her eyes stop threatening tears. Kathryn surrendered to his arms around her, letting him be the part of her shields she'd just let collapse.

"She's very wise," Kathryn said when she finally trusted her voice. "B'Elanna's seen a lot in her years and she absolutely respects you. Everyone does. Tom. Neelix. All I had to do was mention that I was cooking for you and ingredients appeared." Finding her smile again, she lifted her head and met his eyes with her own dry, finally. "I know," she agreed with him. "I know everything's okay." She allowed herself the little shiver as his fingers ran up and down her back. "Part of me thinks this is a dream. Or maybe that I've been in a trance. I've just been so happy for the last few days, and especially today. Today was wonderful. Every minute of it."

"It is wonderful," he agreed. He lost his focus when she looked at him like that. The rest of the room - the music, the crew, the clamour of voices - faded into nothing and all he could see was Kathryn.

There were things in his heart that he wanted to tell her, but he couldn't form the thoughts let alone the words. Her eyes were softest blue, clear and trusting. He'd noticed that they changed colour significantly depending on how she was feeling. It was surprising that after all the time spent watching her he'd never noticed that, but then, she'd never allowed eye contact between them to go longer than a few seconds.

"You know," he proposed, "I think we've put in enough of an appearance. Everyone's had a good look," he teased. "I think we've given them enough to talk about for one night, don't you?"

He spun her in, wrapping his arms around her as the song ended. It would pass as a dance move, but Kathryn knew better. She loved knowing better. She loved the smell of him just behind her ear and the feeling of his chest against her back. The eyes of the crew were there, and normally she'd be acutely aware of them, but this time he was right, they didn't matter. "But we've only been here an hour..." she teased, turning back to him. His hands were still on her shoulders, and judging by how much she wanted them lower - preferably removing her dress - it was probably time to go.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd been so enamoured with anyone. "Did you get to write down your problems in a scroll?" she asked, leading him towards the door with a shy wave at B'Elanna and Tom. Tuvok raised an eyebrow in her direction, and she'd have to talk to him later. He'd understand. He'd find the logic of it, even though she couldn't.

"I wouldn't want you to miss your chance to lighten your burdens." Kathryn glanced down at his hands and then up at him. "You certainly have lightened mine."

Chakotay draped an arm loosely around her, resting a hand lightly on her shoulder. It was a somewhat possessive gesture and he reminded himself that he wasn't in competition with anyone for her attention. But he couldn't help it.

Nodding a good night to Neelix, who was positively beaming at the command team, he followed Kathryn off the holodeck and into the quiet corridor. Lighting had been adjusted to evening levels and because they were alone he drew her closer to him for a moment, kissing the top of her head as they walked. He liked that the difference in their heights put her securely within the circle of his arm and chest.

"I don't have any problems, Kathryn," he said finally as he released her so they could step into the turbolift. He shrugged a little sheepishly. "I couldn't think of anything to write."

She stopped in the corridor, still smiling from the kiss on the top of her head. Sometimes she hated being so short, but being with Chakotay made it endearing. She could live with it. They maintained a discreet distance from each other until the turbolift closed. As soon as they were closed in, she backed him into the wall. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him hard enough to back him up farther.

Kathryn knew he didn't mind her being aggressive. It was one of things she adored about him. She parted his lips with her tongue, kissing him until she was breathless. When the lift opened, she dragged him out into the corridor, suddenly serene. "I'm glad you're happy."

Happy didn't begin to describe it.

Taking her hand, Chakotay linked his fingers with hers, willing his body to settle as they took the public stroll to her quarters. The way she kissed him made his blood boil. Once they were in private, all deals were off.

"You spent some time talking to Paris," he said, looking for an easy topic of conversation. "What did he say?"

Kathryn leaned close to his ear. "He noticed I am off the market." However crude it was, she couldn't help liking it. She liked belonging, feeling she had a place and it was in his arms. "I never thought of myself as being on it...then there was you. And you--"

She squeezed his hand in return. Why were her quarters so far away?

"You found something I didn't realise I'd lost." She pulled him into her quarters, wrapping her hands around his hips. "He was happy for us. I think everyone really is."

He nodded, glad that she could see it. Lost in the rush of her kiss, he'd forgotten she'd mentioned Paris' market comment to him already. It was amusing; even though Paris had presumably been joking, Chakotay knew there were a lot of men whose secret fantasies would take a hard hit once the rumour mill communicated the fact that they were together.

He'd have liked to feel sorry for them.

Smoothing the hair back from her cheek, he buried his fingers into it, enjoying the softness. She'd worn it down at his request but it had made it almost impossible not to touch her. Her hands were moving slowly on his hips, burning through his trousers into his flesh as he bent to kiss her neck. He nipped her lightly, then licked softly at the spot. "We're right together," he murmured, in response to her comment about finding something she'd lost.

Kathryn sighed and the sound grew in pitch as he licked up her neck. "Yes," she moaned. "Oh yes." Slipping her hands beneath his shirt, she ran her hands up his spine against his skin. There might be a point where the very idea of sex with him didn't set her nerves on fire, but they weren't there yet. They wouldn't be there for a long time yet.

They'd be the talk of the crew for weeks, but all she really wanted was him. "Do you like the dress?" she asked shyly. It was both shorter and frillier than she would have normally chosen but she felt differently. Maybe she was different. She had him to thank for that. Brushing her fingers along his collar, she smirked. "I like this."

Chakotay grinned, acknowledging her appreciation. Pulling away from her he held her hands, allowing his eyes the pleasure of a slow, studied slide down her body. "I love the dress," he said seriously. It moved him that she wanted his approval. She was shy about her appearance and had no idea how attractive she was - he would remember that in the future.

"You look incredible, Kathryn," he told her softly. He skimmed his hands over her shoulders and down her bare arms, onto her waist and up her sides, brushing his fingers over her breasts, enjoying the catch of her breath. Moving in slowly, he kissed his way down from the base of her throat to where the fabric of her dress covered her breasts, flicking his tongue down underneath it. "You're an exciting woman," he murmured against her skin. "You make me crazy with wanting you."

She expected he liked the dress; he had a unique appreciation for her feminine qualities. As Kathryn dug her fingers into his hair, she shivered. Absolutely delighted at his touch, she twisted her hips closer to him. Knowing he wanted her, she was as entirely smitten with him as he was with her.

"Not too crazy..." She lifted his head and kissed him again hungrily. "I'm entirely within your grasp."

Standing on one foot, she held his shoulders and trailed her foot up the back of his calf. "This new relationship of ours means I have to share you even less on the dance floor."

He shook his head, even as the thinking part of his mind started to slip away. "You never have to share me," he grinned, liking that she was a little possessive. Sliding his hands around and down her back, he cupped her butt, squeezing and pulling her closer.

The softness of the bare pad of her foot sent little shivers up his leg, as the velvet stroking of her tongue against his had sent a hot rush of desire all through him. It was difficult to remember the last time he'd been able to enjoy the fullness of sex, the exploration and wonder of it. For a long time physical involvement had been about tension and release, or at most a warm body to help him through cold, depressing nights. He hadn't realised the degree to which he'd cut himself off from it until now.

With Kathryn he felt alive in a way he'd never thought he could again. The heat of her mouth, the stroking of her hands on his bare skin, and her soft moans all conspired to remind him of who he was.


	7. Chapter 7

Kissing her mouth, Chakotay explored gently until she made the little sound he was already growing to love. He slid his hands around to begin unbuttoning the top of her dress, pulling away the fabric and pressing his lips against the soft, white skin as it was revealed.

Tugging his shirt free of his trousers, Kathryn shivered as her dress slid down off her shoulders. The short sleeves slipped low, only catching on her arms. She dropped her foot back to the floor, neatly stepping out of her other shoe. Guiding him towards the desk, she gasped when her thighs hit the cool metal.

She wound her fingers into his hair, pulling him close. Her voice was deep in her throat. "You know I don't share well." Kathryn insinuated her leg between his, brushing against his thigh. "There are some things I just want to keep to myself."

Her laying claim to him, and to what she wanted from him, was incredibly sexy. Leaning against the desk with her dress bunched up and her hair tousled, she gave him a look that sent his heart soaring. He kissed her hard, sweeping his tongue through her mouth again and again as her hands clenched in his hair and she ground against his thigh. The need to breathe broke them apart and he moved away to pull the dress over her head, yanking off his own shirt as well.

Breathing hard, desire coursed through him. Wanting to slow himself down, he bent to kiss the soft skin of her stomach. There was so much of her he had yet to explore. Licking his way across her belly, Chakotay knelt in front of her, letting his hands stroke leisurely along her legs. He kissed slowly up the inside of her thigh, brushing his mouth across her panties, then back down the inside of the other. The scent of Kathryn's arousal was his undoing. He'd intended to spend more time but the need to be inside her was utterly overwhelming and he wasn't sure how long he could wait. Standing in front of her once more he pulled her hard against him and kissed her, letting his fingers tangle into her hair.

Reaching for the clasp of his trousers, she undid it quickly. Sliding one hand inside the tight fabric between his shorts and the trousers she was speedily removing, Kathryn found the heat of his arousal. Sighing in excited anticipation, she forced his trousers down then off in a shuffling dance they had to perform together.

Running her fingers greedily along the firm muscles of his thighs, she set her hands on his lower back and tugged him in between her legs. His hands in her hair drove her wild, and the sound of his heavy breathing made her even wetter than she'd been in the turbolift. She wanted him like she'd wanted the captain's chair. Kathryn needed him. Kissing him roughly, she nibbled his lower lip and moaned anxiously when his hand cupped her naked breast.

The bedroom was only metres away, but it might as well have been light years. She moved her feet, letting his bare thigh slip home between her legs. The contact against his skin, even through her panties was enough to make her whimper, something that might have been his name, in some choked language of desperate wanting.

Chakotay's hands were shaking as he ran them down her back and inside her panties, stroking her butt under the thin material and pulling her forward to press harder against his leg. Her whimpers washed over him until the aching need was too much to ignore. Pulling the fabric down, he bent to help it off her calves, then slid his hands under her thighs to lift her onto the edge of the desk.

She wrapped herself around him, pulling at his shoulders to bring him closer. His arm stole around her waist, and he braced one hand on her lower back, the other guiding him into place before returning to the softness of her breast. Moving forward, he pushed into the slick heat of Kathryn's body, groaning at the tightness that embraced him. Shivers ran up his spine and down his legs and he gasped her name softly.

Sighing as the aching emptiness was replaced with the heat of him within her, she tilted her hips towards him, finding the best angle before he began to move. She barely had to ask with him. Chakotay read her body as easily as her heart. His hand was rough and incredible on her breast.

Her breath caught in her throat. Instead of whimpering, she moaned into his neck. Kissing clumsily up his neck, she found his mouth and hovered there. The cold metal and glass of the desk were a sharp contrast with the heat of him. She ran her calf over the back of his thigh, pulling him closer before she locked her legs around his waist. Kathryn caught his shoulder and clung to him tightly. The strength of his arms made her safe, even perched on the edge of the desk. She found his eyes, dark and intense, and held his gaze. "Chakotay, I feel you."

The words brought unexpected moisture to his eyes and the sudden rush of tenderness took him off guard. Kathryn saw through him. He hadn't ever expected someone, even her, to know him this well but in the time they had been friends she had worked her way past every barrier. Now that they were so much more, her gentleness was almost painful, but he craved it with every breath.

He needed her, and because of some miracle orchestrated by the spirits or the universe, he had her. It was still almost impossible to believe.

Cupping Kathryn's face, he stroked his thumb across her cheek then let his forehead rest against hers, breathing in her breath. He closed his eyes for a moment against the ache that threatened to split him apart. He felt her too, her body wrapped securely around him but more than that her essence, teasing and dancing against his own. Chakotay knew her spirit and she knew his, and the knowing soothed the rawness that he was just now becoming aware of.

Dropping down his back, her fingers clung to his spine as they fell. Kathryn left one hand there and brought the other to his chest. Panting in the void between fulfilment and want, she brought her lips to his thumb and kissed it sweetly. "Don't let me spoil your rhythm," she said, half-teasing. The rest of her heart knew, awestruck, how privileged she was to hold his heart in her fallible hands.

She'd wait, breathy and welded to him because they belonged. Relativity would let them have all the time in the universe. "I've just never had anyone like you."

Kathryn's words and her teasing tone pulled him back, and the need rushed through him in a renewed burst of heat. He kissed her mouth soundly, grounding himself in her taste and the eagerness of her tongue against his as he began moving in her again. Lowering his mouth to her shoulder, he bit softly, feeling her shudder against him, then licked his way up her smooth neck. At her ear, he stopped to lap at the beads of sweat along her hairline then nibbled at her earlobe. "You'll never have anyone but me again," he growled softly.

Sliding his hands under her thighs, he lifted them higher and held them tightly as he thrust. Needing more, he moved harder, deeper, until he was pounding into her, her breath in his ear and the clench of her fingers against his skin urging him on.

Her breath ran ragged and out of her control. Balancing her legs against him, she clung to him with one hand and clutched her knuckles to whiteness. She never would have surrendered so much to anyone else. Kathryn knew another man making that statement would have infuriated her. Chakotay was allowed. His promises were truth.

Her fingers sank into the flesh of his back, finding resistance in his smooth muscles. As he buried himself deeper and harder within her, her perception began to spin. Plasma fire licked its way down from her neck and settled to smoulder around him as he thrust within her. Writhing back, she gasped when he pulled her close again. Sweat mixed on their skin and beaded up in her hair around his fingers.

She loved having his hands in her hair.

Holding her close, the scent of her all around and inside him, Chakotay's need overrode all else. Heat pooled in his belly and formed tight bands across his thighs. She was slipping a little when he thrust, the desktop slick with their sweat, and his hands slid down to her hips, holding her in place. He groaned into her hair, the desire for release coursing up and down his spine. Feeling the shudder pass through her thighs, he knew she was close.

More than anything he wanted to feel her let go. He loved giving her this pleasure, loved hearing her cry out and making her come apart underneath him. Knowing she trusted him with her body and her heart was the most erotic thing he could think of.

He pushed into her, his thrusts shorter and less controlled. Reaching blindly for her hand, he grasped it tightly and wound his fingers into hers. Good, so good. The thought flashed across his mind, or maybe he'd spoken it aloud.

When he took her hand, Kathryn was lost. She was no longer aware of the cool metal of her desk or the sweat clinging to her hair. All she had was him and the deep, wet pulse of him finding his way deeper and deeper. The spinning heat became a rolling wave, making her jerk unexpectedly into him. Her hips ground against his stomach and her head snapped back.

She crashed back into him, desperate for the steadiness he could provide. Kathryn buried her face in the sweat of his neck, gasping then crying out. She shuddered, already shattering around him. She flirted with the breaking point, then crested across it. Her thighs shook, then the trembling had her body. From toes to teeth, all of her was undone and his.

It was her cry as she shivered and clenched around him that pulled him over the edge. When her head dropped back, he pressed his mouth to her throat, suddenly desperate to taste her, sucking hungrily at the skin there, as everything he was or ever would be pulsed into her. White light sparked and flashed through his head and he pulled her tighter to his chest, wanting her as close to him as she could be.

He was shaking, everything was shaking. Waves of peaceful warmth flooded Chakotay's body and her name echoed through his mind. Burying his face in her shoulder, he spoke it softly and her arms tightened around him in response.

Kathryn sagged into him, using his weight as a balance to steady herself. With her hands wrapped around his shoulders, she waited out again becoming human. She tangled her left hand in his hair and sighed, absolutely content. "Now," she croaked, her throat still raw. "That's a use for my desk."

He laughed against her skin, and lifted up carefully, gently extricating himself. "I was worried that desk wasn't going to survive. I thought I might have to build you a new one." His legs were weak but he stood beside her for a moment, liking her arms around him. She was beautiful, flushed and tousled, and he bent to kiss her, lazily drawing her tongue into his mouth.

Little tremors continued to pass through him and the room was cooling the sweat on his body as he regained his breath. Her skin felt chilly as well. "Come and lie with me," he suggested, helping her off the desk. He grinned when she took a minute to get her footing. It would be a miracle if either one of them could walk in the morning. He couldn't say he particularly cared.

"I don't know where you'd get the wood for a new desk," she replied, half-seriously. Kathryn clung to his arm, waiting for her feet to be able to hold her. She pushed her hair back, admiring the mess of what had been her paperwork. It was better off that way.

Following slowly towards her bed, she paused and stretched. She might be sore. She might have also bruised her fingers or her thighs. It was impossible to tell through the haze he'd left in her brain.

Crawling up the bed next to him, she paused and worked a few tangles out of her hair. "I forgot how blissful the beginning of something can be," she said, eyes twinkling. "Or how much fun."

Chakotay grinned in acknowledgement. "We do that well." He didn't like to think of her with anyone else, even in the time before they'd known each other, which was, admittedly, ridiculous and more than a little childish. His moment of jealousy vanished when she settled down against him, laying her head on his chest and sighing in what he recognised was pleasure. Pulling the covers up around them, he sunk gratefully into the softness of her bed.

"I don't remember it ever being quite like this," he said, stroking his fingers up her arm. "I've been in love before, more than once, and it's not that there was ever anything missing..." He trailed off, thinking of the differences.

"Perhaps there's a reason you're not in love with them anymore," she said thoughtfully. Trailing her hand slowly over his chest, she spent a fleeting moment thinking of Justin and Mark. She would have been happy married to Justin, at least, that's what her memory liked to believe. He was intelligent, fiercely loyal and a good officer. She would have been a good science officer and they would have spent their lives together, reasonably happy.

But she never would have studied command.

She had loved Mark, and they'd been quietly happy. Kathryn would have come home to him from the stars and been content. Would she have been? Could he understand the weight of one hundred-fifty lives and the thrill of bringing them home? Would they have had children that she left on Earth with him because he had no inclination to live on a starship?

She realised she'd been quiet a long while and kissed his chest in apology. "At this point in my life I can't imagine being in love with anyone but you. No one else could put up with me."

Chakotay traced his fingers up and down her spine, waiting quietly while she thought. The love he'd known had been in his earlier years, and Kathryn was right, there were reasons that both the relationships had ended. His life had taken a complicated series of twists and turns that had left him feeling as though solitude was inevitable. Perhaps that was the main reason what he had with Kathryn felt so different; he'd never thought he'd have it again. But he didn't think so.

He smiled at what she'd said. Running his hand up her arm, he explored the gentle curves of the muscle. "Here's a secret for you, Kathryn. You're not as difficult as you think."

She giggled a little, shaking her head slowly before she lifted it from his chest. "I'm awful." She protested. "I work too much, forget every kind of anniversary and even my own birthdays. I get off the bridge at all hours of the night and can barely have a civil conversation before I've had my coffee."

Kathryn moved up his chest, lying across him and kissing him gently. "Although, there are a few things I can do reasonably well. I need excellent company for most of them." Toying with his chin, she let the innuendo float between them. "I don't think I've been this happy in a very long time. I don't know what I'd do if I had to admit I actually do deserve it."

He widened his eyes looking at her. "You're right," Chakotay said slowly. "You're a warp core disaster. How did I not see this before?"

Drawing his hands up her sides, he smoothed them over her shoulders and down her bare back. He loved her lying on him. Her thighs were damp, warm and intimate against his skin.

When she raised her head to talk to him, he noticed something. His fingers traced over the red mark on her throat, already starting to purple. "You're bruised," he said, sheepishly. "We might want to get that fixed. I'm not sure your uniform goes high enough to cover it."

Kathryn followed his fingers with her own, finding the mark on her skin. She blushed as she found it. She didn't mind bearing it, after all, anything of him was important. The Doctor was going to have a meltdown. She was sure he'd treated sexually related injuries before. Not hers though.

There were faint marks from her nails on his shoulders, there might be stronger ones on his back. Nothing anyone could see through his uniform.

Still blushing, she kissed him. "Maybe I need a tattoo," she teased, kissing the one on his temple.

"Mmmm," he grinned lazily. This playful side to Kathryn was endearing, possibly even cute, although that assessment was likely to find him on the wrong side of a phaser if she ever found out. Stretching up to kiss his forehead put her breasts comfortably within his grasp and he took advantage of the opportunity to cup them lightly, running his thumbs gently over the soft undersides.

"Back to the real world tomorrow," he commented, wondering if it were feasible to run the ship from her bed. His eyes were heavy and the post-coital bliss made it difficult to move. Not that he was planning on going anywhere just at the moment.

She kissed his chin, then sighed happily. His hands on her breasts made it impossible not to smile. Kathryn relaxed, entirely comfortable with him. Tomorrow was light years away.

"I can't remember the last time I took a day off. I haven't touched a report or a PADD." She looked up at him sheepishly. "Is that terrible? Or is that what you meant by time to myself? It was so hard to take before. Somehow you make it easier." She toyed with his chin. "You don't mind not going back to your quarters right away?"

He minded going back to them period, but living together less than a week after they'd decided to have this relationship was unreasonable, even he had to admit.

"I like being here with you," Chakotay said easily. His hands slid smoothly down her back. "It's good that you're relaxing, Kathryn. I'm more than willing to do my part to make sure that continues," he teased. "All for the good of the ship, of course."

Turning to kiss the fingers that stroked along his chin, he sucked one softly into his mouth, nibbling the tip before letting it go. He hadn't realised how starved he was for touch. "You've had to put your entire life on hold for close to three years." He pondered his next words. "I know being the captain has to come first, and I'll never fight you on that, but I will try to help you find a better balance if you'll let me." He knew she would; she was already doing it.

"There must be things you want for your life, dreams you have for the future that've been put aside? I'd like to know," he finished.

She tugged up the sheet to cover her legs and studied his smile. He was so genuinely curious that she couldn't refuse him. Kathryn kissed the mouth that had so recently held her finger and smiled. "I was supposed to be home in a few weeks," she began. It was a lifetime ago. "If your ship hadn't been so fascinating to the Caretaker, Mark and I would have been married."

She quirked her lips into a shy smile. He'd understand she wasn't pushing. "I'd like to try being married. I've never been that far and I think I'm ready to find out who I am in a partnership. Being captain is lonelier than I imagined and I wouldn't mind having someone to come home to." Kathryn wanted to bite her lip and stop but he was looking straight at her and she just couldn't halt her tongue. "I want a family. I had all the time in the universe, but now time is running away from me and fitting in time to sleep is already difficult. I can't fathom how much more difficult a baby would be-- But I...well I don't back down from a challenge. Even if it's foolhardy of me."

Her words came out in a breathless surge, but her eyes were sparkling with something he'd never seen before. In a rush, Chakotay understood that this was something she was verbalising for the first time.

A series of images flashed across his brain. "You'd be an incredible mother, Kathryn," he said softly. What would her child look like? What would their...he forced the thought from his mind. It was too soon. It was ridiculous to even think about it.

It was wonderful. She wanted children, family, a home, a husband. He hadn't known.

"Balancing everything would be difficult," he acknowledged carefully. "Maybe..." He turned his face away for a moment in a futile attempt to hide his delight. When he turned back she was watching him anxiously. Waiting for his response, he realised. "Maybe taking more time for yourself...or any time," he smiled, "is a bit of a dry run for that?"

"It is worth a try," she agreed shyly. Kathryn couldn't read his expression and that made her stomach twist. She wasn't nervous, perhaps it was excitement or (dare she even think it) hope. When he looked away, she was relieved. Her heart was too naked. She hadn't dared admit how much she wanted these domestic things. How could she when she had so many responsibilities?

"I'd like to try being a mother," Kathryn replied, holding on to him for courage. With his arms around her, such dreams didn't seem too far out of place. "I know it would be a great deal to ask of my husband. Mark--" she paused and felt along his arm until she found his hand. Chakotay was here now; Mark was the past. "Mark wasn't sure it would have been fair of us to have had a child, not when I'd be gone so often. Being on _Voyager_ is different. It's not something I've ever imagined working but maybe it--" She stopped and kissed his chest, again terribly shy. "It's a close-knit community. He or she would grow up loved."

"Starfleet's not easy on families," Chakotay agreed. He couldn't imagine her having a child she couldn't raise herself. Kathryn was very maternal; it was one of the qualities he loved about her. She took in every stray they came across and made it her personal mission to do what she could for them. How could she say goodbye to a son or daughter for months at a time? It never would have worked; her heart would have broken over and over. He gave Mark grudging credit for that understanding.

_Voyager_ was something entirely different. He threaded a hand into her hair and massaged her scalp gently with the pads of his fingers, considering. Little Naomi was growing up happy and healthy, a secure child with the resources of the entire ship at her disposal. With the number of crew members who had left behind children - sons and daughters, nieces and nephews - she was well and truly spoiled in the way that a child should be. Sam had once complained to him that some days she had to get in line to hold her own daughter.

Kissing the top of Kathryn's head, a surge of love for her welled up. "Our --"

Damn.

He cut himself off but it was too late. The word was already out there. "Your," he corrected sheepishly, "child would be loved and cherished by everyone, Kathryn. It's not such a crazy idea."

Kathryn jumped as soon as he made the verbal slip. She couldn't even save herself. She sat up, smiling down at him with tears in her eyes. The idea of having his child filled her chest with warmth. She stared down at him, trying to find a way past the lump in her throat.

How long had she been in love with him? Since New Earth? Before that? He was so many things that she wanted in a husband. It wasn't fair to think of him that way, but she couldn't help it. They fit together, supported each other and he knew her. They'd been intimate before they'd been lovers and there was something so profound between them it terrified her.

"I might need everyone," she said finally. She rested her hands on his chest, staring down at her fingers. "And you?" she ventured shyly. "Are children something you want?"

Chakotay relaxed a little, watching Kathryn's response to his slip. The last thing he wanted to do was to put any pressure on her.

"I love children." He smiled up at her. "I used to think I would be a father someday. Children are very important among my people, and their care and welfare is considered to be the responsibility of the entire community." Reaching up, he brushed away the tear that was hovering at the corner of her eye, wondering how much to tell her.

"My life took a series of turns that left me thinking I would never be a parent. I never expected to fall in love again, let alone be thinking about building a future with someone." He ran the edge of the sheet through his thumb and index finger, thinking.

"Life in the Maquis was violent and dangerous. I gave up everything I had in order to fight for something I believed in. I've never regretted it, but it didn't come without a cost." Stroking Kathryn's arm, he pulled her down gently onto him again and wrapped his arms around her. "I quit thinking about what would come next because, after a time, I didn't think anything would."

"I can't imagine," she replied softly. Kathryn had been depressed enough once that she'd felt like her life was over but she'd never been in that kind of constant danger. Starfleet wasn't safe, but it was stable, in its own way. Her father had been gone a great deal when she was young, but she'd known he was reasonably safe. Starfleet allowed for families. It wasn't perfect, but it could be done. She squeezed his hand, knowing he wouldn't know why she'd needed to.

Her curiosity about his past lovers was less important than the idea that he loved children. Of course he did. Everything else about him was almost perfect. He had the kind of patience that she envied, and she could picture him never running out of stories to tell. He'd be a far better father than she would a mother. Chakotay's perception of her was far too idealistic.

"I should count myself lucky then," she murmured before kissing his chest. "You lived long enough to make it here." She left the idea that he was here with her unsaid, but she thought he knew what she meant.

"I thank the spirits every day." Even more since he'd come to understand what she meant to him.

He rolled them so she was on her back, partially beneath him. His fingers brushed through the hair that framed her face, stroking it back, then traced gently over her eyebrows and down the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were a soft, warm blue, the colour of the berries he'd picked as a child on the hottest summer days.

"You have to understand, Kathryn," he said quietly. "I was lost. I had no past and no future. Then I met you and everything changed." Chakotay traced her mouth with his index finger, pausing carefully at the little groove in the centre of her top lip. He bent to brush his lips over it.

"I never fit anywhere," he continued. "It was all right, I'm more than capable of forging my own path. I've been reasonably happy and I've had a lot of experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything."

His fingers continued across her jaw and down her neck and shoulder, meandering their way carelessly along her side. "I want a home, and a wife," he met her gaze and smiled. His hand stroked against her hip and came to rest on her belly. "And yes, I'd love children."

His leg between her thighs made the heat there spring back. As much as her body ached for him, her heart was full of sympathy. Isolation was one of the hardest things she'd dealt with in her life. Kathryn didn't have his strength, or his faith that he could do the right thing. She didn't see regret in his eyes; that made him all the more incredible. However lonely he'd been on the way to where they were together, Chakotay hadn't given up hope.

She knew that feeling; how stubborn one had to be to keep going and here they were. His hand left a trail behind it on her skin like a comet. When his palm settled on her stomach, she shivered. She'd been willing to let motherhood go. _Voyager_ needed her more. Her lips parted and she breathed in quickly. It wasn't like she didn't know him. They'd been together almost every day for the last three years. He knew her; more than that, he loved her. Kathryn kissed him slowly, lingering on his mouth instead of speaking. She didn't know what to say.

The kiss was a promise. Her mouth was warm and soft, and the gentle tangle of her tongue with his sent light sparks of pleasure and comfort down his spine.

Chakotay pulled back to look at her, marvelling once again at what was there in Kathryn's eyes. No one had ever looked at him like that. Maybe it was because no one had ever loved him as she did. The thought sprang up from nowhere and the truth of it struck him.

He should leave. It was late and they were both tired. Morning would come quickly, they had spent the entire day and evening together, and they had responsibilities that could not be disregarded. He should climb out of her bed and go back to his quarters.

Instead he bent to kiss her again, unable to resist the taste of her and the way her body rose to meet his. She was his future. He'd known for a long time that she owned his heart and always would. What he hadn't known was that in her eyes, he was her future as well.

Bending her knee, she lifted up her leg and wriggled deeper beneath him. Chakotay fit neatly into her hips, and he was careful not to be too great a weight on her chest. She lowered her hands to his back, holding him gently. She wondered if he was thinking about leaving. Both of them did need to get up in the morning; when he was kissing her, she didn't care.

Her breathing gained speed along with her heart rate. If they didn't stop - but why should they? Their kissing now was slow and sweet but no less passionate than it had been before. Their hunger sated, they could take the time to explore. His thigh pressed against her and a tiny shift of her hips made her arousal return full force. "I know you should go, but I don't know if I can let you."

"Not just yet," Chakotay murmured in agreement. Her moving against him, shifting her legs to take him between her thighs, caused a rush of desire in spite of his best intentions.

She was soft and warm, and - he bent to capture her mouth once more - sweet, so sweet. He couldn't get enough of her.

Kissing his way down her neck got him the reaction he loved, a soft sound of want in the back of her throat. Carefully he moved past the place he had bruised earlier to her shoulder, creamy white and smooth under his lips. Her hands stroking through his hair and on the back of his neck were distracting but he took a moment to taste the dusting of freckles he found under her collarbone.

He'd stay if she asked him. Kathryn knew beyond a doubt that he'd stay forever if she whispered how much she wanted him to. They had time, she reminded herself. His nibbling down her shoulder made the catch in the back of her throat turn to a whimper. The pleasant heat of being in his arms wasn't enough. The aching want settled down between her thighs and not even grinding against his hip could ease it.

Swallowing hard, Kathryn caught his cheek and drew his attention. "If we don't have time to finish this--" she hissed and tried not to arc her body up against him. "If we don't- we--"

Groaning softly, Chakotay turned his face to kiss the palm of her hand, biting gently on the fleshy part at the base of her thumb. He shut his eyes to avoid looking down at her, flushed and breathless, her lips swollen from their kissing. Kathryn was right, it was late and not the smartest idea to start something they wouldn't have time to finish.

Frustration surged through him. He wanted her but it wasn't fair to make her the bad guy. He'd known going in that this was how it would be - personal time couldn't be allowed to infringe on work. Damn it, it shouldn't be a problem. He wasn't eighteen years old.

Even if she made him feel that way.

Opening his eyes he caught her watching him, concern and desire battling across her face. He kissed her forehead, a kiss intended to soothe them both.

"It might be a good idea if I go now," he admitted.

She shook her head slowly. That gut reaction was far from logical, but she didn't want him to go. Kathryn knew it was cruel to keep him and that they'd both be yawning and wondering if the marks on their necks were still visible in the morning. Wasn't that worth it? Tomorrow she could look at his hands on the console and remember them on her skin. That thought made her smile and the warmth of it crept through her.

Shaking her head again, this time more gently, Kathryn put her finger across his lips. "To hell with good ideas," she murmured. She resisted his attempt at calm and kissed him hungrily. With her lips still nearly touching his she whispered, "Can you really sleep instead of making love?"

She took his breath away when she was like this, teasing and hungry, seducing both his mind and his body. Arousal poured through him, along with a sense of reprieve at not having to leave her just yet.

He was incredibly happy.

Shaking his head, he tried not to look it. "Well, I don't know," he said seriously. "I'm tired. We have to be up in a few hours. We did agree to make sure this didn't affect work..."

Kathryn stared at him blankly for a moment. She couldn't possibly have worn him out that quickly. Chakotay's expression was sincerely apologetic and if his body wasn't pressed so closely to hers, she might have believed him. Making a mental note to never play poker with him, she grinned. "I could make it easy for you." She put her hands on his shoulders and rolled him back on the bed.

Slowly running her hands down his chest, then his stomach, she pulled her hair back out of the way and beamed up at him. "The bridge is still going to be there. Our data PADDs and paperwork is still going to be there." Winking at him impishly, she wrapped her fingers around the steadily hardening proof he'd been teasing her about being tired. "Some things might not be." She dropped her head and ran her tongue lazily over the tip before she took him into her mouth.

Chakotay laughed when she flipped him onto his back. He couldn't put anything over on Kathryn, she knew him too well, but it was fun to try from time to time.

Her hand encircling him made him gasp. "Are you sure?" he teased breathlessly. "There's a lot of work oh--" He closed his eyes as a wave of pleasure slammed through him. "Oh Kathryn." His voice was a strangled moan.

They'd never done this before and the excitement of it raced up his spine and down his legs. Her mouth was incredible, soft wet heat surrounding and suffusing him, erasing all thought from his mind.

Unable to speak, she hummed, wickedly pleased with herself. Running her mouth down his length, she let her teeth brush him just a little before she returned her mouth to the swollen tip. Licking and sucking, she kept one hand on the base and slid the other across his stomach. Her flat palm ran over his chest, catching the little jerks of his body as she worked him towards climax.

He could barely say her name at all and Kathryn knew their work was forgotten. Chakotay was hers, and the idea that she could have him so completely spurred her on. Knowing she was the cause of his ragged breathing and racing heart, she loved him more for teasing her. They were so well matched and yet, she could still surprise him.

Twisting his hands in the sheets, Chakotay abandoned himself to the moment. Moving a little against her in spite of himself, he writhed in an attempt to get closer and pull away at the same time. The sweet, torturous ache crept across his stomach and he moaned her name, imploring.

Blood pounding in his ears, he opened his eyes to watch her. If the idea of it was sexy, seeing it was unbearable. The look on her face said she knew exactly what she was doing to him. She did something with her tongue and the resulting surge pushed him too close to the edge.

"No, Kathryn." His voice was garbled and he wasn't sure he was forming actual words. "Don't-- I can't--"

As much as she loved hearing him beg, she wasn't greedy. Kathryn stopped, pulling her head up with a twisted smile. She stretched out on his chest, lazily tracing incomprehensible patterns on his skin with teasing fingers. She rested her chin on his firm muscles beaming like a cat who knew where the cat nip was.

She slipped up to kiss his chin. "Aren't you glad you stayed?"

His body screamed at him in dismay. He'd wanted to finish, but not without Kathryn. Grasping her hips, Chakotay resettled them so that he was between her legs, the length of him pushing up hard against her. The pressure afforded him some relief and he cupped her face in his hands. "That does beat reports on the status of the leola root stores," he agreed, still breathing heavily. She shifted a little and he pushed up hard against her in an entirely involuntary response. Everything in him ached to be inside her, but not yet.

Stroking his hand up her back, he buried it in the hair at the base of her skull and pulled her down easily. Her mouth opened quickly to him and he slipped his tongue in, probing deeply until she trembled. Rolling them over, he took a breast in his mouth, laving and sucking at her nipple, letting her response guide him. The need for her flowed through him, as much a part of him as his own blood, and he wondered again how he had survived so long without this.

Being held was her reward and Kathryn was halfway between laughing and begging him to ease the wet ache that had been slowly driving her crazy. His mouth on her breast sent the ache from a smouldering need into breathy, electric desire. Moaning and dragging her nails up his back, she twisted her hips beneath him.

His teasing now was retribution and she hoped desperately that he was aroused as she was. Surely Chakotay couldn't hold out much longer. "Please--" she murmured into his hair. "God, Chakotay, please--"

Smiling a little, Chakotay lifted his head and looked regretfully at her other breast. Sometime soon he was going to take all the time he wanted to lick and taste his way along her entire body - but not tonight.

He moved over her, kissing her mouth hungrily. Kathryn arched up into him and he licked lazily at her jaw, nuzzling just below her ear. "Such impatience," he murmured teasingly, although he knew the game was over. She could feel exactly how aroused he was and all pretense flew out an airlock when he was this close to having what they both wanted.

Even still he played for a moment before entering her, stroking her softly with the tip, sliding in a little only to pull back out. But his legs were shaking and his control was perilous. He touched her face with the palm of his hand. "Look at me," he called softly, sliding into her only once her eyes were on his.

Kathryn held his gaze as long as she could. His dark eyes filled and claimed her as much as he did, buried within her. He sank deep, making her gasp in shock. She'd had enough time and teasing to be more than slick and desperate. Trembling, she fought to hold his gaze. She needed to arc into him; to rub tighter against him but for this moment Kathryn stared into his eyes.

With a moan in her throat, she breathed, "I wouldn't be so impatient if you weren't so--" She couldn't do anything more than sigh raggedly. She didn't need to.

Chakotay chuckled hoarsely and bent to kiss the little beads of sweat off her forehead. Kathryn was hot and tight around him and he ground against her, pushing in as deeply as he could. "It's not my fault. You're-- " He groaned, the desire on her face throwing him off balance as he tried to find a rhythm.

Stroking down her thigh, he hooked his hand under her knee and pulled her leg up higher against his hip. "Kathryn." He whispered her name, loving that he was allowed to say it and to know her this intimately. Unbelievably beautiful, she was panting underneath him, pushing up to meet his thrusts. He stroked his fingers across her stomach and the memory of their earlier conversation make him thrust harder into her. Sliding a hand up to cup a breast, he rubbed her nipple with the flat of his thumb. The whiteness of her shoulder called to him and he bit her lightly.

Burying his face in her neck he breathed deeply. "Don't hold back," he whispered. "Take what you need."

Stealing his hand from her breast, she dragged it down to her clit and panted into his neck. His strong, sure fingers made her head start to spin. With her nerves already on edge, and with the blood still coursing through her body from before, even fumbling fingers would have made her arch up into him.

But he didn't fumble. How he'd managed to find a rhythm was beyond her, but so was her knowledge of the universe past his touch. Grinding into his hand and his hips, she caught her breath in triumph. "That," she hissed into his neck. Her little gasps were becoming moans, and she pulled him in. Bending her leg further up, she eased them ever closer together, letting him deeper into her body. "Exactly that."

"Yes," Chakotay murmured softly. "Yes, yes." He pulled back a little to watch her face, careful to keep the rhythm she'd shown him. Kathryn abandoning herself to his touch, taking her pleasure from him, was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen. He stroked in and out of her, circling her clit with his fingers as she moved against him. His hand was wet with her desire and the remains of their earlier lovemaking, and the knowledge of it sent shudders running down his spine.

His own arousal was spiralling out of control, hot stripes pulling at his legs and stomach. Kathryn moaned as he thrust into her, jerking erratically against him but he stayed with her, not letting up, knowing she was close. Her hand grasped his shoulder, pulling him down to her, fingers digging into his skin and he groaned. "Let go," he said into her ear. "Come for me, Kathryn."

The heat of his touch settled in her stomach, as seemingly infinite as a matter-antimatter reaction. Her head spiralled upwards, losing touch with her body. Yet, she was still acutely aware of his hand on her clit and the arm by her chest. His legs were solid and hot against hers and the sweat of their bodies was indistinguishable.

Her fingers spasmed, momentarily losing their grip on his shoulder. She shook, her breath caught between a sob and a cry as she crumpled into space between his chest and the bed. She found his eyes with tears in her own. The white heat in the back of her skull ran rampant through her body, as if her fingertips could glow. When she felt her heart in her chest, the thudding of the organ surprised her, as if she'd been dead.

The air filling her chest dragged her back, and the tingling ran through her body as if every atom were vibrating. Perhaps they were. The sob finally became a laugh, and she closed her eyes.

Chakotay wrapped her in his arms, still hard inside her. Watching her shatter so completely touched him, and he knew from the way her eyes had sought his that something profound had happened. He held her as she trembled, tears on her cheeks even though she was half laughing. Kissing her face, he soothed her until the shaking stopped and she looked up at him with a shaky grin.

She kissed him almost shyly and when her tongue danced gently against his, desire pulsed through him again. Reaching down, he stroked the soft inside of her thigh, pressing it down into the bed. Taking a shuddering breath he pushed as deeply into her as he could, letting her body squeeze and caress him. The scent of her surrounded him and the tremors that continued to pass through her sent shivers down his spine. Burying his face in her neck he thrust hard, then again, then a third time that pushed him into colour and light and Kathryn, only Kathryn.

After the build up and all the willpower they'd both expended, his long-withheld climax calmed them both. Kathryn held him close, wanting the safety of his arms more than freedom from the weight. Her head still reeled, and even her teeth were tingling. She could sleep for days, or she'd never need to sleep again. It was impossible to be sure.

When he rolled off after a sweet eternity, she lay next to him, hand entwined with his arm, and stared up at the ceiling. Smiling lazily, she turned her head towards him on the displaced pillow. "You're a man of many talents," she teased. "That wasn't in your Starfleet Intelligence file."

Chakotay snorted. Taking her hand, he entwined their fingers and rested them on his stomach. His breathing was starting to slow, but every muscle was in a state of delicious torpor.

"Kathryn," he started more seriously but then stopped, completely helpless to put words to what had just happened between them. Shaking his head, he looked at her and smiled. "You do inspire me," he answered, "but I can't take all the credit." He leaned over to brush her cheek with a finger, studying her eyes and liking what he found there.

"That was..." His words trailed off inadequately, the effort of speaking almost too much. He was entirely sated and completely at peace.

"Worth getting that look from Mr. Paris and a raised eyebrow from Tuvok when we'll keep yawning on the bridge tomorrow," she finished for him, curling on her side and beaming at him. Having him was worth a whole lot more than that, but Chakotay understood. He knew he was entirely through her defences.

She wasn't usually sentimental. Kathryn tried to be pragmatic about her relationships, when she even made the time to have them. Sex with Mark had been good; they'd loved each other, but Mark had never made her cry. And he certainly wouldn't have enjoyed the desk as much as Chakotay had.

"I could get used to this," she sighed, laughing gently. "I'm not even sure I can feel my feet."

Rolling to face her, Chakotay smiled lazily. "That's the sign of a good night," he agreed. He took her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist.

"I should go back to my quarters," he said gently then grinned. "For real this time." It was not pleasant to think of leaving her, but morning would be chaos if he stayed. He had no uniform or toiletries and they both reeked of sex, not that he was complaining. But it meant skipping his morning shower was definitely not an option.

Kathryn sighed as she sat up. She ran her tongue slowly over her teeth and grinned, they were still buzzing. Shaking her head, she glanced over at the mess of their clothes across her floor and then back at him. "Don't put any of my uniform on by accident," she warned, dragging herself out of bed to find her nightgown.

"We should try this in your quarters," she offered. Her skin was sticky and she took her robe from the closet instead. Her hair made her wince as she ran her fingers through it. "Is your bed different than mine?"

He watched in appreciation as she walked to the closet, comfortably naked. Then with a grunt of regret he got up to retrieve his own clothing from the other room.

Pulling on his trousers as she spoke, he looked up in surprise. The idea of her in his bed was extremely appealing. "It's about the same," he offered, thinking of the size. She would fit nicely, tucked up beside him. "Maybe a little softer." Chakotay pulled his shirt over his head and perched on the side of the bed with his shoes and socks. He worked them quickly onto his feet.

Sitting for a moment, he watched her fret at her hair and thought how difficult it was to leave her. With other lovers after a certain amount of time together he was eager to return to his own space, finding an element of restoration in the solitude. Time with Kathryn left him refreshed and relaxed, even when their activities were strenuous. He smiled, thinking of her underneath him.

Crossing over to him, she wrapped her hands around his neck and hugged him to her belly. Running her fingers through his hair, she sighed contentedly. "I think it's worth exploring." Still blissfully warm, she smiled down at him.

"Assuming this is something we intend to keep doing," she said wickedly. Kissing him lazily, she tried not to yawn. "I think we could make it a habit."

"I could get used to it," he admitted happily. Reaching up, he cupped her cheek. She was adorable, sleepy and tousled.

He stood to kiss her, lingering a moment in her arms. "Go back to bed," he said softly. "I'm pretty sure I can find my own way out."

Moving quietly through the corridor, Chakotay was amused. It had been a long time since he'd had to sneak out of a woman's room. Even though the crew would know they were together, discretion was still the better part of valour and he didn't mind being careful.

Still, he couldn't help but wonder how long it would be before neither one of them would have to leave to go home.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set right after "Unity" where Chakotay was taken by the ex-Borg colony and used to re-establish their collective.

Kathryn didn't know what had got into her hands. As she reached for the chime to let herself into Chakotay's quarters, her fingers again registered their protest. They ached from misuse. She glanced down at them, trying to remember what she'd done to make both of them so terribly sore.

She could blame the bridge railing, cold metal that she'd let her knuckles go white gripping. She'd abused her chair, digging her fingers in out of frustration when Chakotay had disappeared. She'd almost lost him.

The cold, vicious reality of that thought ran up her spine like a laser scalpel severing the nerves one at a time. She'd teared up in sickbay, fought herself for control until she'd wondered if she could have just melted into his arms and been done with it, regardless of how it looked.

Rubbing the back of her aching right hand with the fingers of the other, Kathryn closed her eyes. She felt the tears of relief sting her eyes again. He hadn't even opened the door and already, she was a mess. It really was love.

Chakotay was restless. Unable to settle, he'd tidied his already immaculate quarters, taken a shower, replicated soup which sat ignored on the table, scanned through some reports, read half a chapter of the book B'Elanna had lent him and was now reduced to pacing.

His mind was clogged with images of those last few moments on the Borg cube. He'd spoken to Tuvok and B'Elanna, who had been more than gracious, understanding that the violence had been beyond his control. Forgiving himself was proving to be more difficult but time and meditation would help that.

With a sigh of frustration he sat down on the sofa. What he wanted was Kathryn. When they'd spoken in sickbay they'd resolved the work-related aspect of things. As the captain she'd been calm and analytical, giving the outcome her usual thoughtful consideration. But he'd seen the fear and sadness behind the professional facade and her hand had lingered on his arm a little longer than normal.

The ringing of the chime startled him out of his reverie and he reminded himself to adjust the settings to recognise her on approach. He was oddly uncertain as he rose and called her in, moving again in spite of himself. They'd only been together a short time and already the possibility of loss had intruded.

Kathryn took a step in and stopped just inside the door to his quarters. She'd seen him and she knew he was physically all right. It wasn't the same. Standing there, watching him stop pacing and take a step towards her, she spent a moment trying to fight her reserve. Maybe he didn't want to be tackled and told how much she desperately missed him.

She couldn't fight herself long. One halting step toward him turned into three running ones and then she was finally in his arms. Holding him tightly with her arms around his neck, she clung to him. Everything she'd meant to say just caught in her throat and none of it made it as far as words of any kind.

He breathed deeply, soaking her in. Her face was buried in his neck and he ran his hands up and down her back, pulling her closer. Chakotay hadn't let himself acknowledge how afraid he'd been that he wouldn't make it back to her. It was hardly the first time he'd faced death, but the stakes were so much higher now. He had more to live for than he'd ever had. Not to mention what it would do to Kathryn if he didn't come home.

Home. That thought made him smile. She was his home.

Her body relaxed gradually and when she released her hold he kissed her, a slow kiss laced with tenderness and hunger that he couldn't bear to break. When the need to breathe separated them Chakotay searched her eyes. "Hi," he said softly.

Squeezing his shoulder with one hand, Kathryn nodded slowly. He was here, real, solid and alive. She'd known that in sickbay but she wasn't allowed to hold him there. The idea that someday their relationship would be known enough to the crew that she could embrace him in sickbay made a shiver run up her spine. That was a future she barely comprehended.

Maybe it was relief that made her speechless the first time she opened her mouth. The second time, she was halfway back to herself. "Welcome back."

Watching the emotion run across her face tugged at his heart, but she was managing, probably about as well as he was. "Thank you," he grinned and stroked her cheek, happy just to be with her. The knot in his stomach started to loosen.

Impulsively he wrapped his arms around her again tightly at the waist, and leaned back to lift her off her feet, hugging her close. "I missed you," he said. It was a profound understatement and didn't begin to describe how it had felt being separated from her, but it would do as a start.

Releasing her, he motioned to the sofa and moved to the replicator. It was a given that she hadn't eaten, but she might if he simply presented her with something. He took the cold soup off the table to refresh it and turned to her. Kathryn's expression was still a little anxious, watching him, and her vulnerability made him ache. He knew exactly how she felt. He'd been going to offer her a choice of beverage but decided to go with wine. There was a lot to talk about.

Accepting the glass of red wine, Kathryn stared down at the liquid. She managed to smile when she looked back up at him. She should know better than to be sitting next to him, dwelling on what hadn't happened.

"We're going to have to start talking about the Borg," she said softly. Her wine was spicy and warmed her face as she drank. "The _Enterprise_ only just survived the encounter with one cube." She didn't want to mention Wolf 359, lest the spectre of that tragedy haunt them. "_Voyager_ is not the _Enterprise_." Despite her concerns, a trace of pride crept into her voice and she caught him smiling. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I work when I'm unsettled." He knew that, of course, but it felt right to say it. Her only other choice for conversation was the topic of losing him and she didn't have the strength for that yet.

"I know," he acknowledged with a smile. Whatever she needed. Normally they kept work at bay as much as possible when they were on their own time, but this was different.

"Fortunately for you, I cook when I'm unsettled." He was teasing, hoping to cajole her into eating, but it was true as well. Crossing the room he retrieved the bowls of soup. Kathryn frowned a little and for a moment he thought she was going to argue, but she accepted hers without a word.

Chakotay rubbed the aching back of his neck absentmindedly, listening to her talk and considering the issue of the Borg. The Doctor had mentioned that there might be some residual pain from the neural tranceiver. A shudder passed through him as he remembered being linked to the others and his subsequent behaviour. Losing control of his mind was far and away his biggest personal fear.

Shaking it off, he returned his focus to Kathryn. "We've been lucky so far," he said, nodding.

"We're relying on luck to save us from the Borg," Kathryn joked, shaking her head and toying with her soup. It smelt excellent, but she couldn't bring herself to eat it. Chakotay didn't have that trouble, and watching him made her realise slowly that she was hungry. He was right about them being such a good fit. She wouldn't even had thought about eating until she was exhausted and tempted by ration packs because they were simple.

"We should probably drink to that. It'll be about as effective." She clinked her glass against his and watched him eat. His smile when she finally took a bite made her grin around her spoon. "Mushroom soup. Not what I would have guessed."

"Just for a change," he joked. "We can't have you wasting away." He was starting to relax, being in her company, and he noticed for the first time since she'd come in how tired she looked. There were dark purple circles under her eyes and her hair was mussed.

"After we eat you can take a shower," he offered. "I know you don't have any clothes here but you can wear something of mine." He caught her free hand and pressed it to his lips. She was relaxing as well and it was time to let work slip away for a while.

"Are you planning to get me out of my uniform some time soon?" she asked playfully. She was touched that he was so thoughtful. Though she was accustomed to being told she slept too little, or worked too much, his quieter way of doing it was comforting instead of frustrating. Kathryn hadn't planned on staying, but, as soon as he'd mentioned it, the idea crept into the back of her head. Sleeping with his arms wrapped around her would be achingly perfect.

"Shouldn't I be taking care of you?" she asked softly. Running her hand through his hair, she rested it on the back of his neck. "Or is this your way of saying you missed me?"

Chakotay groaned softly as the warmth of her hand soothed the annoying ache. "I need you here," he confessed, "and I want you to be comfortable."

He took a final bite of soup and set the bowl on the table beside him. "I did miss you," he said quietly. "It felt wrong to be away from you and--" He cut himself off, not quite ready to talk about the rest of it.

She started to set her soup down, unfinished, but his look was as bad as her mother's. Kathryn rolled her eyes, lifted the bowl and drank the rest quickly. Shaking her head as she wiped her lips on the back of her hand, she eyed him. "Good enough?"

With her bowl abandoned on the table, she wrapped both of her hands around his neck and smiled at him sweetly. "You need me." She loved that about him. Leaning in, as if she was telling a dark secret, she kissed his cheek. "I might just need you too."

"Good thing," Chakotay said agreeably, grinning at her. Having her this close set his body humming happily. He stroked her face, watching her eyes dance, then raised his hands to carefully remove the clip that was keeping her hair restrained. It tumbled down her shoulders in rich waves of auburn, effectively completing the transformation from the captain to his Kathryn, uniform notwithstanding, and he sighed with satisfaction.

"I'll get more wine," he said, standing to clear their dishes. Turning back toward her, he caught the end of a small yawn and smiled in sympathy. "We should change," he told her. Earlier he had showered and put on off-duty clothes, but he wanted something more comfortable. An odd stab of anxiety flashed through him. "You'll stay?"

Kathryn dropped her head into her hands for a moment, closing her eyes as her hair fell down past her hands. She rubbed her temples slowly. More wine would certainly go to her head, but maybe she wanted that. She didn't want to think about the Borg and last minute rescues any more than she wanted to let the thought of him dying back into her head.

"Mmm," she replied in weak agreement. "Do you have any idea how much more work I have to do when you're gone for a few days?" Kathryn complained. He refilled her glass and put it back in her hand. "Tuvok tries to help, but he doesn't know the system you and I have worked out and I'm afraid I've gotten so used to the way you write the XO's reports that reading anyone else's just frustrates me. Even if they have Vulcan efficiency behind them."

"I know," Chakotay smiled at her in amusement. They worked extremely well together and both experienced irritation when the other was off the ship.

He also recognised the emotion that was just beneath what she was saying. It wasn't like he'd taken shore leave at an inconvenient time. He'd had no choice about being away. Kathryn would avoid that part of the issue forever if she could get away with it.

Taking her wine glass from her, he set it on the table and offered her his hand. "Come on," he said. "You have to sleep regardless, and I'd rather it be in my arms, if you don't mind. Let's find you something more comfortable to wear at least." It was early, but changing would help them both relax.

Taking his hand, she let him pull her up and sighed in acquiescence. Slipping into his arms, she held his waist for a moment. Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed his cheek. "I think that scientist liked you," she teased, following him into his bedroom. As he dug through his bureau, she slipped off her jacket and folded it neatly. When would they start keeping their clothes in each other's quarters? This week? The next?

"She gave me quite a look, and I don't think it was entirely about my refusal to help them with the node."

Chakotay paused a moment, his hands in the bureau. "Mmm," he said, noncommittally, mentally shaking his head. The woman missed absolutely nothing; he shouldn't be surprised. He and Riley had been friendly, but it wasn't until the forced intimacy of the neural link that he'd realised how attracted she was to him. It was odd, because he usually knew right away when a woman was interested. Then again, he had to admit, he barely noticed other women now.

Continuing his search he came up with a soft shirt and a pair of pyjama trousers for Kathryn to wear. He'd considered giving her boxers, both because of how cute she'd look and because it would afford him the enjoyment of her bare legs, but she got cold more easily when she was tired. "Try these," he said, turning to her. "They'll be huge but at least you'll be warm."

She was grinning at him, hands on her hips, and he realised she wasn't quite done with the topic of Riley Frasier.

Pulling her tanktop up over her head, she stood there in her bra. Grinning wickedly at him was unfair, but she enjoyed that power. Kathryn slipped off her uniform trousers and folded them neatly. Setting them next to her jacket, she put her hands back on her hips and raised her eyebrow.

"I hope she understood, neural link or not, you're absolutely taken."

A surge of desire rolled through him. Only Kathryn could stand before him wearing next to nothing and exude the same authority she exhibited on the bridge. It was laughable to think he'd even consider another woman now that he finally had her, but this possessive streak was intriguing. Not to mention incredibly sexy.

He feigned confusion. "I don't know that it ever came up," he said slowly, moving toward her, "and I'm not sure I know what you mean by taken.

Snapping off her bra, she set it neatly aside and pulled his shirt over her head. As she flipped out her hair, she kept the raised eyebrow. If he was going to play innocent, she could fight back, exhausted or not. His shirt was dark blue and hopelessly too big. With it on and obscuring her thighs, she slipped off her panties and tucked them neatly into her folded pile of clothing. Slowly pulling on his pyjama bottoms, she shrugged.

"Maybe it was just a few rather vivid memories that put her off pursuing you," she guessed, rolling over the waistband of his pyjamas so they'd stay up at all. Bending down to cuff the legs, she continued, "I prefer taken in the Vulcan sense. For being devoted to logic, they're terribly romantic. When you're mated to someone - in love with them - that's it. That one person is the beginning of your universe and the last person you want to see before you fall asleep." She stood back up and crossed her arms over her chest. "That kind of taken."

Chakotay nodded seriously. He shouldn't tease her but the fire in her eyes when he did was irresistible. For all she was playing, her back was up a little. That she trusted him entirely he had no doubt, but she was also staking her claim. He loved knowing that she was this passionate about him. He loved even more watching her demonstrate it.

"So, taken in the sense of loving someone so much you can't imagine your life without her; feeling giddy with the knowledge that she loves you back; wanting to talk to her whenever anything particularly good or bad happens so you can share it with her?" Chakotay cocked his head curiously. "Taken, as in wanting to be the best man you can be so she has the mate she deserves; dreaming about a future that suddenly seems possible after years of living only in the present; and knowing in your heart you'll spend the rest of your life making sure she has everything she needs to be happy?"

He reached out to brush her cheek with the backs of his fingers, stroking his way down under her jaw. "Or taken because you're still mesmerised by how beautiful she is even after staring at her for three years; or because the way she looks at you across a crowded room makes you forget your own name; or because sometimes you want her so much you can't breathe, even though it's only been hours since you made love to her until you were so sated you thought you might never need sex again?"

Slipping his hands onto her waist, he nuzzled her ear gently. "Is that what you mean by taken, Kathryn? Because that I understand."

"You do have a way of putting things," she whispered. Kathryn's throat clenched and her eyes burned. His hands on her waist made her nearly tremble from the proximity to him. He had an idea of the effect he had on her, but Chakotay could never know the full extent of what his voice did to her. She nodded slowly, then turned her face to his, forcing him to kiss her lips instead.

"Something exactly like that," she agreed. "I'm-" she paused, catching her breath. "I'm glad you feel that way."

"I love you, Kathryn," Chakotay murmured. "I was afraid I wasn't going to make it home this time." He kissed her again slowly, peace flowing through him as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back.

Drawing back, he slid a hand under her hair to the base of her skull, rubbing lightly and noticing the tension there. "Your neck's sore, isn't it." It wasn't really a question. As difficult as it had been for him on the planet, he at least knew he was all right once the neural link had healed his head injury. Kathryn had been left to wonder and worry. He released her and pulled off his shirt and trousers. Quickly throwing on comfortable sleep clothes, he took her hand. "Let's go finish our wine and I'll see if I can fix that for you."

Ignoring her glass of wine, Kathryn let it breathe on the table in front of her and dropped her neck forward. She never would have said anything. A few weeks ago, he never would have touched her neck, even if he suspected she was tense.

"I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come back," she said, almost whispering it down towards the floor. "I should have known I'd find you," Kathryn added, turning back to him with a little smile. "Even though you did shoot our engineer and our security chief." She leaned in and kissed his cheek, making sure he knew she was teasing him.

Chakotay shrugged then grinned, a little flustered. "They were annoying me." He pulled her back against his chest and hugged her tightly for a moment, kissing the side of her neck. "I'm here now," he promised quietly, knowing it was hard for her to admit to that type of vulnerability.

Straightening up he went to work on her neck, stroking his hands firmly across her skin to warm the muscles. As he probed gently to find the problem she hissed a little. A quick inspection revealed tight, twisted bands running from her shoulders up into her hair, dotted with several painful knots. Oh Kathryn. He knew it had been like this before they'd become lovers, but it made his heart ache all the same. She'd been under terrible stress for a variety of reasons the whole time he was gone.

Digging his fingers in gently, he went to work on a particularly bad area and she groaned. "Easy, easy," he soothed. "I know it's sore." He found the pressure point and in a few seconds her complaint was a purr of approval. In spite of himself he grinned, loving the way her body responded to his touch.

"I think Tuvok may forgive you but you mght want to give B'Elanna a wide berth. There may be some Klingon revenge involved." His thumbs chose that moment to dig hard into the knotted muscles along her cervical vertebrae. Biting her lip, she hissed in pain. "Which I'm going to support fully. Chakotay--" She reached around and squeezed his wrist to make up for her complaining. "You should have asked the Borg to give me a new neck while you were over there."

Eventually she sighed and started to relax. The motion of his hands ceased sending sparks of pain down her spine and slowly became soothing. It was quiet in his quarters. Her comm channel had been silent and she'd brought none of her work. "This is what we wanted, isn't it?" Kathryn asked. "No work. Just the two of us. I'm sorry it's not more romantic." She finished with a shy smile. The ease of this moment made her nearly as lightheaded as the wine.

He'd finished with her neck for the time being and was now focused on stroking his fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp gently as he went. "This is exactly what I wanted, Kathryn," Chakotay said easily. Some time to touch her, to be with her, and to just generally soak her in. "Anyway, I think it depends on your definition of romance. I find you absolutely stunning in those clothes," he teased.

Stroking his way along her back, he paused a moment to soothe the tension just under her shoulder blades. "There you go," he said, stopping reluctantly. "Any more and you'll be too sore tomorrow."

Her breathing was calm and deep. "What do you want to do?" He wrapped his arms around her and settled his chin lightly on her shoulder. "Are you ready for bed?"

She hummed in response, lost in his touch and only slightly hearing him. Kathryn giggled gently when he commented on her pyjamas. His clothing was hopelessly too big, and she felt tiny and childlike with his bottoms rolled up and the sleeves of his shirt ending down by her elbows. She leaned back into him, searching her mind for what he'd said. When she was warm and safe it was hard to think. She snuggled in to his arms, curling up against his chest.

"Can we just stay here, like this?" she murmured, settling in. She knew there was no real advantage to falling asleep on the sofa but she liked the ease of it. She could smell him, and the heat of him was all around her. It was incredibly peaceful, getting up would ruin it.

"We can do whatever you want," he promised, kissing the top of her head. Moments like this were what got him through the hard days on _Voyager_, days when nothing went right. Lying with her cuddled up against him, completely relaxed, made him feel invincible. He could forget there were dozens of lives depending on them and pretend they were just another couple, a man and a woman in love and enjoying each other's company.

Sliding his hand up under her shirt, Chakotay stroked her back lazily, loving the feel of her bare skin. Her breathing was slow and regular. Sleep pulled at him but he fought it off, needing this quiet time. Kathryn didn't know it but he did some of his best thinking when she was lying asleep in his arms. The world seemed more generous then, and his place in it felt more secure.


	9. Chapter 9

It was one of those days. B'Elanna had already spent four hours in the bottom of Jefferies tube six. The secondary plasma juncture on deck sixteen, one of the most isolated and boring places on the ship, wasn't working. She could have sent an ensign to fix it and stayed in engineering, but it was the fourth time in the last two weeks that it had stopped working. Tom would blame gremlins, and if that was true, she wanted to be the one to scare them out. Even if she had to use a phaser.

A shy, even nervous, Captain Janeway coming down an hour ago to invite her to dinner was not what she'd expected. A gremlin popping out of the conduit would have been less surprising and easier to deal with. She was a good shot; she could phaser a gremlin.

They were even eating in the captain's quarters. B'Elanna had never been in the captain's quarters. Her mind had been wandering while she fixed the conduit, and without noticing, she'd finished. Staring at the hyperspanner in her hands, she double checked her work and then shut the casing. Holding the hyperspanner over her engineering kit, she sighed. Maybe she was just going to have to get used to things being different.

For all her surprising uncertainty when she'd made the invitation, Captain Janeway was happier than she'd ever seen her and Chakotay glowed. What would they be like together? She knew Chakotay could relax, but the captain...?

She returned her case to engineering, signed off on the duty roster for tomorrow and had just enough time to glance at the chronometer before she realised she had less than an hour to come up with something to wear and something to bring along.  


* * *

Standing in front of the replicator, Chakotay debated whether to say anything. She didn't have the best history with this particular unit. He'd assumed they'd have dinner in his quarters but Kathryn had insisted that if they were going to break down the barriers that existed between her and the rest of the crew, starting with Tom and B'Elanna, it had to happen in hers.

While he supported the idea in theory, he had a few concerns about the execution.

"Kathryn," he called into her bedroom where she was getting dressed. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can do out here?"

"You can set the table," she called from the bedroom.

Kathryn fussed with her hair. She couldn't put it all the way up but she didn't need to make sure it was as neat as she wore on the bridge. She finally pulled some of it back. It wasn't down all the way as Chakotay liked it, but she hoped he'd realise she was trying.

Sitting on the bed to put on her shoes, she tried to still the butterflies in her stomach. This wasn't an alien state dinner or the Admirals' banquet: this was her crew. Tom and B'Elanna were excellent officers and the pieces of their personal lives she'd seen suggested they were good people, the kind of people she had formerly made her friends. Now she had Tuvok and Chakotay and that was hardly enough in an entire quadrant.

Slipping out of the bedroom, she wrapped her arms around Chakotay's waist and stared at the replicator.

"It'll behave or I'll shoot it."

Chakotay laughed. That was exactly his concern.

Looking down at her, he smiled. "You look beautiful."

Her eyes sparkled and her cheeks were flushed. The dress she wore was simple but very pretty. He'd seen her in a dress more in the time they'd been together than in the entire three years that had come before - not counting New Earth - and it was probably a good thing. If she'd walked around looking like this before he never would have gotten any work done.

Kissing her gently, he drew her against him for a moment. "In fact, it's a shame we don't have more time before our guests arrive."

Drawing his fingers down her arms elicited a little shiver. Chakotay kissed her again then drew back reluctantly. "I know." He sighed in resignation. "The table." His smile belied his teasing; the anticipation of the evening had carried him through the day.

Kathryn blushed as soon as he commented on her dress. Whether or not she looked beautiful rarely crossed her mind, but now that she was with him, she couldn't help being aware of it. Letting him hold her tight, she kissed his cheek again, then pulled away.

"Thank you. There's always after dinner..."

Setting the table for four took a little time. When Kathryn set down the last wine glass, she checked the chronometer and tried not to fidget with her napkin or the cutlery. It was a good idea to get to know the crew better but she was still uneasy.

"Do you--" she stopped and smiled weakly. "They will have a good time, won't they?"

"They will. They'll be nervous, and probably a little tense, B'Elanna especially." A little tense might be an understatement, but Kathryn didn't need to know that. "It will be up to us to put them at ease, and we will." Taking her hand, Chakotay kissed her fingertips. "They like you, Kathryn. What they don't realise is how much you like them."

The chime to her quarters sounded and he squeezed her hand before letting it go. "It'll be okay. Trust me."

On the other side of the captain's door, Tom stood awkwardly with B'Elanna. They hadn't been invited as a couple, they weren't in fact a couple as of yet, but if he had his way that was going to change soon. When he'd found out she was also attending the dinner he'd offered to pick her up. He hoped her agreeing to go with him had more at the root of it than common sense and convenience.

B'Elanna shuffled her feet and tried to decide if she should be looking at Tom or the door. Chakotay was smiling and relaxed but the captain looked nearly as nervous as B'Elanna was. That made it a little easier. Tom and Chakotay exchanged greetings and that left the captain staring at her.

Kathryn had to take a breath before she invited them in. Tom was still grinning at her but B'Elanna shared her trepidation.

"Thank you both for coming. You look lovely." She accidently addressed the comment to both of them and Chakotay was grinning.

"Thank you, Captain." Tom grinned. "I planned this outfit especially for you."

Walking into the room, he made a quick inspection of the space. It was a little spartan, not revealing much of who the captain might be in her private life. Although it seemed he was going to get a glimpse of that tonight anyway. He was surprised and a little touched to be invited to her dinner.

"Nice place. I'll have to get the name of your decorator."

Chakotay crossed the room to kiss B'Elanna on the cheek. Tension radiated from her body and he didn't have to touch her to be aware of it. He squeezed her shoulder. "I'm glad you're here. Would anybody like a drink?"

"You do look nice in blue, Mr. Paris," Kathryn said playfully.

She realised she should consider calling him Tom instead but she wasn't sure she could do it. He'd probably be able to call her Kathryn first, sadly. She drew him over to a sculpture she'd been given when she'd been promoted to captain. "Your mother actually picked this one out." It was an Andorian fire-stone sculpture and it had been a favourite of hers for years. "She said your father had terrible taste."

Taking a glass of red wine, B'Elanna watched Tom study a piece of art. She lowered her voice, so only Chakotay would hear her. "This was your idea, wasn't it?"

"No, not entirely." Chakotay frowned and shrugged his shoulders. "Okay, yes. But not in the way you think." He glanced over to make sure Kathryn was occupied. "She wants to get to know the crew better, starting with you and Tom. This distance that's developed over time - " Pausing diplomatically, he took a sip of his wine. "We both agree it's not a good thing." His voice lowered even more. "She's nervous," he confided, "so be nice." Grinning to take the sting out of his words, he touched her arm. "It's not a trap, I promise."

"I wasn't going to growl at her for not making my salad the way I like it." B'Elanna watched Tom say something funny and smiled enviously when the captain laughed. She would love to have his ease. Tom was never nervous or tongue-tied.

She brought her eyes back to Chakotay and studied him. She knew he was fiercely loyal to those he cared about. He'd do anything for her and any of his friends. He'd been protective of Janeway since they'd come on board and it wasn't until last year that she'd finally understood how attached he was to her. After all his wandering around the galaxy, and the anger that rivaled her own at times, Chakotay was in love with the Starfleet captain. As Tom and the captain approached them, she caught the look Janeway was giving him and realised with a start that she loved Chakotay back.

She must have given it away, because Tom grabbed her shoulder playfully and fine lines appeared on the captain's forehead. Janeway was nervous, just as Chakotay said. Remembering the loneliness that had fallen away from the captain back when she'd first mentioned how she felt about Chakotay in the Jefferies tube, B'Elanna forced herself to smile and mean it.

"Your quarters are lovely, Captain. Thank you for inviting us."

Janeway paused, stopping on her way to the table. Something behind her blue eyes struggled and she slowly smiled back. B'Elanna wasn't sure what to think, but the captain's smile was gentle and she could see the longing once again in her face.

"My pleasure, B'Elanna."

Watching the interaction between Kathryn and B'Elanna, Chakotay smiled with satisfaction. There was something between the two of them that was worth pursuing and it looked like they were starting to connect.

Moving to the table he seated B'Elanna, pulling out her chair, and noted with amusement that Paris did the same for Kathryn once she'd laid out the first course. He refilled their wine and settled into his own place.

The initial tension seemed to have lessened somewhat. Catching Kathryn's eye, he held her gaze for a moment, hoping to convey how much he admired her. Her little blush implied that he'd conveyed more than he'd intended and he grinned and turned away.

Looking around the table, Chakotay realized how little the other three knew of each other. He and Kathryn were together, and the thought still made him smile; he and B'Elanna had been friends for a long time; even he and Paris had known each other in the Maquis, although admittedly his first impressions of the man had been off the mark. Watching him interact with B'Elanna made Chakotay wonder if he'd be getting to know him better in the near future. It seemed like an odd pairing, but stranger things had happened. B'Elanna could do a lot worse, he realised suddenly. A rush of warmth for his friend welled up in his chest.

Turning to B'Elanna, he grinned. "You had holodeck time today, I believe. Get your butt whipped at velocity again, did you?" Tapping in to B'Elanna's competitive streak was a surefire way to get her to talk.

Kathryn watched in amazement as B'Elanna laughed over her bread and glared at Chakotay. The young engineer had never looked at her that way, unless they were about to come to verbal blows over something Kathryn wanted to do to B'Elanna's engines. To see that look in jest was entirely fascinating.

B'Elanna turned her glare off Chakotay and smiled a little at Tom.

"He likes to pretend anyone on this ship can beat me at velocity. Other than Chakotay, I've beaten Harry, Crewman Anderson, Ensign MacCormack and half of Tuvok's security officers. Now, Tuvok himself would put up a bit more of a challenge, but I haven't been able to convince him to play."

Looking from Tom, who shrugged, to Chakotay, Kathryn set down her fork. "I assume you put up a valiant struggle, Chakotay?"

"A fight to the death would be more like it," Tom guessed, taking a drink of his wine. "You play with B'Elanna, you'd better play to win." Catching her eye, he gave a little nod. He admired that about her.

Chakotay smiled and raised his hand, shaking his head. "I gave it my all. You're very good." He wasn't competitive by nature, preferring instead to challenge himself to improve his own performance, but he'd enjoyed testing himself against her even though he'd come out on the bottom.

Taking a bite, he swallowed thoughtfully. "Actually, you're the only person I know who might be able to give her a run for her money."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay with a raised eyebrow. They'd only played velocity a few times and her competitive streak had been so much more than his that she'd had to consider it a workout, not a challenge. Not that he wasn't well versed in the game, she was just better. From the way Tom was looking at B'Elanna, it appeared the younger woman was better than her.

Refilling B'Elanna's wine glass, she smiled at her. "I have a hunch you're as competitive as I am."

B'Elanna looked up at the captain, sizing her up. She knew the other woman had a quick mind, and her eyes were sharp. She'd sharked Tom at pool and B'Elanna wouldn't be surprised if she hid a certain level of skill in velocity as well. Could they manage to play together without either of them getting too competitive? "I do like it to be challenging," she said evenly. She tossed a piece of bread at Chakotay and shook her head.

"If he's the only one you've played, you might be in for a shock, Captain."

The fact that she was being teased went straight to Kathryn's heart, and her smile grew and softened. "I have holodeck time the day after tomorrow." Surprised at her own willingness to share her time, she squeezed Chakotay's hand, hoping he'd understand why she was giving up on what could have been a date.

"I promise not to put you in the brig if I lose."

"I'll hold you to that, Captain." B'Elanna hid her smile behind her glass. She'd like having the challenge and was as surprised as the captain looked that they were going to play together.

"Wow." Tom was intrigued. "Pool, velocity, is there anything you're not good at, Captain?"

His mind ran back through comments his father had made over the years. He hadn't paid much attention; at the time he'd seen the captain - 'Katie', as she was known then, he thought, grinning - as a rival for his father's attentions, a replacement for the disappointment he'd been himself. For the first time he felt not his own loss, but a spark of what must have intrigued the admiral.

Chakotay rose and began clearing away dishes. He considered mentioning her cooking, but there was no way she would see the humour in that at this point. She was just starting to look comfortable.

"Personally, I think if somebody's trying to beat you into submission, even figuratively, you should just let them." Tom winked at the captain to let her know he was teasing. "How did you come by such a killer instinct, anyway?"

Abandoned with the two junior officers as Chakotay cleared the dishes, Kathryn looked from Tom to B'Elanna and tried to decide what would be a good answer to that question. She'd always been competitive, and when Pheobe had stopped being a challenge, she'd found Vulcan tennis players and quantum physics.

"I've always been competitive." If she was still on her first glass of wine, she may never have mentioned it. "I have a younger sister, and we could barely play anything together without one of us, usually her, getting upset. My mother stopped letting us play board games altogether by the time I was ten."

B'Elanna nodded, touched that the captain had told a story about her youth. She had known about her sister, but only because Chakotay had mentioned it. "I could never decide if I wanted a sister to take some of the pressure off me or if she and I would have just hated each other more than we hated our mother."

"Most sibling relationships are love/hate." Chakotay smiled, serving the main course that Kathryn had so carefully prepared. "My sister and I spent hours thinking up creative ways to torment each other, but woe to anyone from outside who dared cross either one of us, and that included cousins." He returned to the replicator for two more plates. "We were each other's fiercest protector." Passing behind Kathryn's chair he took the opportunity to brush his hand across her shoulders.

"Two Janeway girls, huh?" Tom picked up his fork and dove into the food Chakotay had set in front of him, giving a nod of appreciation at the first bite. Eggplant, prepared in an Italian style unless he missed his guess. The captain had a holodeck program that took place sometime and somewhere in Italy; he wondered if she'd gotten the idea from that. It was good, whatever it was. "I always thought of you as having brothers, Captain. Lots and lots of brothers."

"Oh? I suppose I grew up with a lot of the boys. Most of them were more interested in things I was interested in, like warp physics and quantum mechanics. My sister is an artist. She can think creatively. If I'm not fixing the sensors, or trying to escape a quantum singularity, I'm not much good at the abstract."

She smiled over at Chakotay, who was being a far better host than she was and serving the meal. She touched his knee with hers, making sure he knew how much she appreciated him.

"On Klingon worlds, it's the opposite," B'Elanna volunteered, digging into her food as enthusiastically as Tom was. It had been hours since lunch, and she was much hungrier than she'd thought. "If you want to have a scientific conversation, you need to find a female, and even then, you're hard pressed to find anyone who wouldn't rather play Kahless and Lucara storm the gates of Grethor than study. That part I actually liked."

Chakotay chuckled, fully able to see a small but fierce B'Elanna in the middle of the Klingon war games. He pressed his knee against Kathryn's and a rush of love for her filled his heart. Sliding a hand discreetly under the table, he stroked her thigh gently for a moment before returning to his food. She had them completely charmed, as he'd known she would.

Listening to B'Elanna speak, Tom missed the little exchange between Chakotay and the captain. Watching B'Elanna eat made him strangely happy. She attacked her food with the same enthusiasm she gave to whatever came across her path.

He had spent his share of time dating shallow women with birdlike appetites who spent more time moving their food around their plates than actually consuming it. Attracted to his looks, they'd made polite conversation before putting up a token resistance to his attempts to get them into bed. At the time it was all he'd wanted and in fact he'd assumed it was all he would ever want, believing himself to be as shallow and spoiled as his father had accused.

Watching B'Elanna made his heart ache in a way he didn't understand. She wasn't his usual type, but in spite of it he wanted to know everything there was to know about her. It was a little odd and it left him feeling decidedly unsettled.

"Are the gates of Grethor the kind of place you'd really want to go?"

Kathryn was not very well versed on Klingon myth, and her spoken Klingon was barely serviceable. Chakotay's hand on her thigh had almost made her choke on her wine. She hoped B'Elanna hadn't noticed. Luckily Tom was more interested in B'Elanna than whether or not the captain was blushing.

B'Elanna managed to bury her surprised look when the captain started to blush. She wasn't sure what had elapsed, but from the pleased look on Chakotay's face, he'd done something.

"Hell is not the kind of place that would deter Kahless," B'Elanna replied. "I don't remember the whole story, but he was saving his brother from eternal dishonour. We didn't care about that. We just liked getting a lot of sticks and raiding the 'gates'. Since we had Klingon parents, they just wanted us outside and yelling."

Kathryn swallowed her bite of eggplant and gave B'Elanna a sympathetic look. "Did they make you go camping? I hate camping."

"Kathryn," Chakotay shook his head, laughing at her forlorn look. "Camping's really not so bad. I know you don't like roughing it, but there are ways to make it more bearable for you." He looked at her affectionately. "My parents took us camping all the time. It was fun." His love of the outdoors was something he hoped to share with her. Glancing around the table, he noticed Paris nodding. "Right?"

Tom grinned. "It's true, Captain. I'm not normally one to go without comfort if it's available but I have to admit - wide open spaces, blue skies, peace and quiet - there's a lot to be said for it."

B'Elanna was staring at him like he'd proposed a murder/suicide pact, and Kathryn's look could only be described as a grimace. Chakotay tried one more time.

"I promise, you'd have fun with me. I know a spot in Arizona that I think you'd love. The scenery is incredible and there are all kinds of unusual rock formations. You could even get a little scientific study in. We should definitely go."

Chakotay finished a last bite of his eggplant parmigiana. The sudden silence made him look up into three gaping faces.

In his enthusiasm, he'd overlooked the fact that they hadn't officially acknowledged that he and Kathryn were now a couple. Not in a way that brought it out into the open.

The only way now was to brazen it through. Setting his fork down, he wiped his mouth on his napkin and took Kathryn's hand. "What? Surely this isn't news?" Looking at Kathryn, he gave her a full-dimpled grin. "I know it's not to you."

Tom was the first to recover. Wanting them to know they had his blessing, he resumed eating casually. "Please. Anybody with any common sense knew it was only a matter of time."

Chakotay knew Kathryn couldn't help smiling back at that smile of his.

What was she supposed to say? That even with him, camping was an ordeal she'd rather avoid if she could? It wasn't the thought of camping that made her stomach flop. Tom was smiling and he'd already kindly accepted their relationship. B'Elanna's dark eyes flashed and her frown turned into a wicked smile. Kathryn gripped Chalotay's hand instinctually harder.

B'Elanna could have just let the comment go, and a week ago she would have. The captain was usually off limits when it came to teasing, but things were changing.

"I wouldn't let him convince you the desert was so wonderful if I were you, Captain. The last time we were 'camping' in the desert it involved a forty kilometre death march through deserts a Cardassian would have loved." She set down her fork and met Chakotay's eyes impishly. "I'd try to keep him close to the tent. Anything you have to do would be fair game."

Letting the barely veiled inneuendo hang over the table, B'Elanna took another piece of bread and ran it innocently over her plate. Tom was trying not to laugh. If he kept getting her sense of humour, they might have something. She already loved and hated his.

"Well..." The captain searched for words, flushing slightly across her cheeks. "I'll try and keep that in mind." The pink made her look a decade younger.

Chakotay was right, B'Elanna thought, the captain was truly sweet, beneath her carefully constructed exterior. If he could keep drawing her out, and Chakotay loved a challenge, they might both be incredibly happy.

"I'm sure you have your own ways of distracting him," she finished, teasing just enough to make the pink remain.

Squeezing Kathryn's hand back, Chakotay grinned. It hadn't taken B'Elanna long to remove the gloves, but that was hardly a surprise. During their time in the Maquis, members were subjected to levels of challenge - some related to skill, some to character. A new recruit was pushed hard, and status depended on being able to handle yourself, no matter what.

This was a gentler form of that initiation, but he recognised it nonetheless. Kathryn was clearly up to the task, no concern there, and it was amusing to see B'Elanna fall back on the old ways. She didn't know it, but Kathryn's ability to handle the teasing had just gone a long way toward earning the younger woman's friendship, not to mention sealing her approval of their relationship.

Rising from the table to refill the wine, Chakotay looked pointedly at B'Elanna. "We manage, and so did you on that 'death march' as you call it. I seem to remember you holing up for about three days afterward with that skinny guy from the Bajoran resistance...what was his name? We took bets on whether or not he'd be able to walk when you finally reappeared."

Tom snorted and choked on his wine. Chakotay had inadvertently given him a lot to think about...not that he wouldn't enjoy every minute of it.

B'Elanna eyed Chakotay with daggers in her gaze. They'd come a long way very quickly if they intended to keep discussing sex with the captain. For her part, other than a nearly permanent flush on her cheeks, the captain was adapting.

"We were all a little thinner then," she said seriously. Delta Quadrant or not, there was a lot to be grateful for on Voyager, not the least of which was the food. Chakotay was still smiling, which meant he needed a retort. B'Elanna looked at the captain and hoped she'd understand.

Something in B'Elanna's eyes made Kathryn set her wine glass down without taking a sip. She hadn't had a lazy, teasing conversation like this one since she'd last seen her sister. Oddly enough, it was enjoyable.

"I know you envy Klingon culture, Chakotay, but I don't think I left as many marks on that Bajoran as I heard Kes had to regenerate on the captain here," the engineer finished. If it hadn't been for B'Elanna's quick warning look, Kathryn might have inhaled her wine.

"And I thought I'd sworn her to secrecy," Kathryn said, downing her glass.

Chakotay shook his head at Kathryn, then looked quickly back to B'Elanna. "Nice try, but there's no way." He smiled at her with affection and amusement. "You're good though, I'll give you that." Some things never changed, and he patted her shoulder as he rose to clear the remains of the main course.

Having lost the thread of the conversation, Tom spoke up. "I don't get it. There's no way what?" The captain looked surprisingly calm, and decidedly entertained.

"B'Elanna likes to win," Chakotay explained. "That probably doesn't come as a surprise." He returned to the table with plates of dessert.

"There's no way Kes betrayed Kathryn's confidence, medical or otherwise, but I upped the ante with that made-up story about the Bajoran, so B'Elanna upped it again." Settling back into his place, Chakotay grinned. "It's something we used to do in the Maquis." Partly to hone the skills required to deceive high-ranking Cardassian officers, and partly out of boredom.

B'Elanna looked at the captain one last time and then laughed. "I was working on the Doctor's weekly diagnostic during the incident in question. Everyone forgets you're there when you're an engineer."

B'Elanna was right. Kathryn had completely forgotten she was there while she'd stripped down to her tank top and let Kes heal the marks on her neck. She looked at Chakotay and finally just had to laugh with B'Elanna.

"I bruise easily."

The idea of B'Elanna's voraciousness in bed was intriguing and Tom didn't want to let it go. On the other hand, Klingon women were known for being aggressive about what they wanted. Cheered by that thought, he started on the dessert in front of him.

"Ah - coffee, I'm sorry." Chakotay looked at Kathryn, realising he'd forgotten the most important element of the last course.

"Apology accepted." Kathryn said, once her coffee cup was full and in hand. She couldn't help thinking she'd been lucky to get Kes in sickbay instead of the Doctor or Tom. Not that any of them would ever do more than give her a hard time for the marks on her neck. Tom would have definitely enjoyed that, she decided.

"I'm afraid the last time I had to practise lying was to get out of the Admirals' banquet. Thankfully, I've had an excellent excuse for the last three." She took a happy bite of her chocolate cake.

"You started it," B'Elanna reminded Chakotay with a smile and a shake of her head. "Maybe we should take it easy on Starfleet."

"Just wanted to see if you could still keep up." Chakotay didn't miss those days of scrabbling for survival. Although life in the Delta Quadrant was similar in a lot of ways, Voyager offered more stability. And more happiness, he thought, looking at Kathryn. He smiled at her gently when she returned his gaze, wondering again how he'd gotten so lucky.

Setting down her fork, entirely content with her meal, Kathryn sat back in her chair and gave Chakotay an appraising look. If he was going to refer to them as a couple, she could too.

"I didn't realise dating you came with so many interesting side benefits. It seems that my contribution to the ship's gossip is going to be much more than it was."

B'Elanna couldn't help smirking. "Depends on what you've heard, Captain."

"If you think dating me is interesting," Chakotay said to Kathryn with a full-dimpled grin, "imagine if we were married." The answer had flashed across his brain and was out of his mouth before he'd realised, but in hindsight he didn't really care. B'Elanna snorted her wine and mopped it up with her napkin, apologising profusely. Paris whistled in amazement, a long, slow whistle that descended in pitch.

And Kathryn. Kathryn looked at him in a way he couldn't entirely discern. For a moment he was afraid he had crossed the line, but there was a sparkle there that made him think he might be okay, after all.

B'Elanna stood as soon as she finished choking. Grabbing Tom's shoulder, she couldn't decide who to look at, Chakotay or the captain. Giving the captain a sympathetic look because she knew, probably better than Janeway did, how well Chakotay could cling to an idea, B'Elanna stood.

"One thing an engineer learns is when her work is done. Thank you for a lovely evening, Captain. Chakotay, that felt like old times, but better. We should-" she paused and smiled, surprised by how much she'd enjoyed herself. "We should definitely do it again."

Kathryn had her own struggle to pull herself together. "I'd like that."

Putting what Chakotay had said firmly in the back of her mind, she beamed at the two younger officers. He was going to be the death of her, and he knew it from the sparkle in his eyes. If that wasn't enough, B'Elanna's sincere gratitude and the idea that she was finally getting to really know her crew made her eyes sting and her chest tighten.

"Thank you both for coming. I don't think I've had that much fun in a long time."

Tom looked up in dismay. Things were just getting good and B'Elanna was dragging him away. Oh well, maybe he could get her to go for a drink at Sandrine's. Swallowing a last mouthful of coffee he followed her to the door.

The captain looked genuinely touched that the evening had been a success. He hadn't considered that maybe their approval, both of her and of the relationship with Chakotay, would matter. She seemed so confident; it was hard to imagine her having moments of self-doubt or insecurity. On a whim he took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "Thank you, Captain. This was fun."

Turning to shake Chakotay's hand, he followed B'Elanna out into the corridor.

Chakotay sighed contentedly, turning back to Kathryn. "That went well."  


* * *

 

Out in the corridor, B'Elanna turned to Tom, slowly shaking her head in wonder. She'd never heard Chakotay even joke about marriage before. He'd never brought up the concept, not even in jest. Tom might not have understood the significance, nor had the captain, which might have actually been good considering how affected she was just by them having a good time.

She turned her best seductive smile on Tom. She needed to get a few thoughts out of her head before they became too wildly speculative.

"Come on, don't they teach you how to buy a girl a drink in pilot school?"  


* * *

 

Kathryn could only shake her head. Still standing behind her chair, she clung to the back of it until she had a better grip on her composure. Closing her eyes, she let go of the chair and reached for his shoulder instead. Shivering off the urge to cry, she leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"Thank you for suggesting that."

Chakotay watched her struggle with something for a moment. Unsure of the source of her distress, he gathered their coffee and went to settle on the sofa. When she followed behind him, he caught her arm and pulled her down onto his lap. "Hey, come here."

Rubbing her back slowly, he let her have a moment to decide what she wanted to say. Kathryn needed space when she was first upset.

"You know, I like doing things with other people, but it's difficult not touching you all evening." He smiled at her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "That part I don't like as much."

"I'm happy," she promised him before he could worry any more. Kathryn held his hands, studying his fingers as she tried to put her thoughts into words.

"I can't believe I've been on the same ship with the two of them for three years and I had no idea B'Elanna had that sense of humour, or that Tom could be so quietly enamoured with anyone, not that I blame him."

She turned her head back up to him. "And you've known that...haven't you?"

Her face was wistful and it made his heart ache. "Yes," Chakotay admitted. "You have to remember though, it's my job to know." He liked her playing with his hands; it was gently intimate and he didn't think she was even aware she was doing it. "I'm your liaison to the crew. I have to know what normal is so that I can recognise right away when something isn't."

He kissed her shoulder, tightening his arms around her waist, and sighed in acknowledgment. "But yes, I have an easier time socialising with the crew than you do. I did when I was captain and even back as far as when I taught at the Academy. I never really struggled with that line." Raising his eyebrows, he shrugged a little. "I had enough struggles in other areas."

Even though she could guess at what he disliked about himself, Kathryn couldn't think of anything she'd want to fix if she were him. She envied both his calm and his relationships with the crew.

"Perhaps we're a good match that way. Sitting up enough to kiss him, she suggested with her mouth that they matched more than professionally. When they broke, she returned to his chest, entirely content. "I don't know if I've ever been told to command in any other way. They always told us to keep our distance." She was willing to consider they were wrong. "What was it that you struggled with?"

Stretching out his legs, Chakotay leaned back, giving Kathryn a little more room.

"I had a much harder time with the people above me than I ever did with the people below me. I challenged everything anybody told me, if not overtly then by dismissing it in my own mind. The stricter the regulation, the harder I looked for a way around it." He sighed, remembering. "I had a difficult time accepting authority. Trust was something that never came easily to me, even in adulthood. It was unfortunate; I had just reached the point in my career where I could accept that Starfleet might have my best interests at heart when the treaty was signed with Cardassia."

Giggling a little, she smiled up at him as he explained the trouble he'd had with the brass. "You very rarely talk back to me." Hell, when he did, he usually had a very good reason. "Either you've grown up or my authority is something special."

Wondering if he should say what he was thinking, Chakotay decided there was no real reason not to. "You hide your heart from everyone, Kathryn, not just the crew." His fingers wandered up her back to her hair, stroking gently to take away some of the sting of his words. "I think it's less a command issue and more a matter of letting people get close. That's not easy for you."

What he'd said about her was harder to place. She couldn't joke about keeping people away. She'd made it her way of relating to the universe after her father and Justin died. As the captain, no one questioned the distance she kept. At least...not until now.

"I don't know why I keep people this way. Maybe I've done it long enough that it's all I remember or I think they like it that way too."

"It's hard to risk your heart again once it's been broken, even in friendship." He understood why she was afraid. She felt things so deeply. It was one of the qualities he loved best about her but it made her especially vulnerable to the cruelties of the world.

"I think grief lasts a lot longer than most people realise," he offered. "When my father died, a lot of what followed was because I was mourning but didn't recognise it. I lived for a long time with my heart closed off. Then my time in the Maquis made me think it was closed for good."

His fingers played with the tips of her hair. It curled at the ends; he hadn't really noticed before now. "I might have lived the rest of my life like that, not even realising what I'd lost, except I met this incredible woman." A surprising wave of sadness passed through him as he remembered how alone he had been before Kathryn. "She changed me, and made me want to live again. I think maybe your heart is going through some changes too."

"We have proved I have one. I can think of a few admirals in command training who would be sorely disappointed in me."

Turning more serious, she kissed his cheek, then lay her forehead against his warm skin.

"Perhaps that's why we have it...all this grieving and loss. Without it, without the pain that lays us bare, we might never have found how to live again. We take it for granted at first, because we've never suffered. Then once we have, life is that much sweeter and precious to us."

Chakotay nodded, surprised to hear her taking a more philosophical approach to the pain. She wasn't comfortable looking at things through a transcendental lens, preferring the safer tangibility of science. Kathryn was nothing if not open-minded, but he hadn't realised how much was actually changing for her as they negotiated these new waters. He admired her ability to go where the current took her.

Sliding his hand up underneath her hair, he explored the state of her neck then satisfied, resumed stroking her back. He'd been working on keeping the tightness at bay, and she'd been letting him.

"What do you think? A cup of tea? Or you could take a bath while I clear the rest of this away?" She moved to look at him and he smiled. Her eyes were soft and dreamy, still tinged with the sadness they'd been discussing. "You were incredible tonight. You completely won B'Elanna over. Not that there was ever any doubt."

He did insist on spoiling her, Kathryn thought, contemplating a bath or tea. Chakotay's attentiveness was genuine and all the more sweet. Shaking her head and leaving the sofa to stretch and study the remains of dinner on her table, she turned to him and smiled.

"Thank you. I enjoyed the company very much. I've long suspected B'Elanna was as interesting off duty as she is creative on duty and I'm truly touched that we saw a little of that. Tom's never been shy, of course, but it was wonderful to see him relax and enjoy everything without feeling he had to carry the conversation."

Her hands landed with satisfaction on her hips. "Do you think we could try it again some time?"

Amused, Chakotay nodded. "I definitely do." He studied her a moment, enjoying her air of contentment, before rising and stretching out his back. It would be very easy to get used to these moments of domesticity.

"B'Elanna surprised me. She must feel a lot more comfortable than you think to have started in on you so soon. And I don't think I've ever seen Paris keep his mouth shut that long." Chuckling, he dumped the plates in the replicator then turned back to Kathryn. "I even learned something about you," he told her, still grinning. "I had no idea you and your sister were so competitive. It explains a lot." She and B'Elanna on the velocity court would be a terror.

Kathryn paused as she set cups into the replicator. They vanished as she thought about her sister. "Phoebe was a handful as soon as she could walk. Everything that wasn't academic was a competition. Who did better in their tennis finals. Who made the regional team. Who had the better art project..."

Shaking her head, she rubbed her hands together thoughtfully. "I remain abysmal at watercolour, much to her amusement."

Watching Kathryn clear away the cups, a rush of warmth filled his heart. A woman of many contrasts and not like any he had ever known. When she turned back from the replicator empty handed Chakotay drew her into his arms and rested his chin lightly on her head. "I love you, Kathryn." She filled his heart with a thousand things but most of them were too complicated for words.

Being caught up was not something that happened to her often. At least, not until recently. Her smile faltered and she failed to speak. Kathryn stroked his cheek, memorising the look in his eyes. That was something she wanted to remember.

"Good. I don't think I could be head over heels for you if you didn't."

Her touch, and the softness of her gaze, sent a gentle shiver of want through him. Kathryn was beautiful and it never showed more than when she was happy. Something in her radiated light and warmth, making him need to be as close to her as he possibly could.

His body registered the softness of her, the stroke of her hand on his cheek, and the light tickle of her breath against his lips. Her scent wrapped around him slowly, weaving them together in a moment of intimacy that caught in the back of his throat. Chakotay held her gaze, watching her eyes flicker with love and desire, and a hint of amusement. She knew the effect she was having on him.

"How naughty is it to just leave the dishes for the morning?" she whispered into his ear.

The press of his body against hers was enough to forget all about what she should be doing, or cleaning, or putting away.Kathryn traced her lips over his cheek and then met his mouth. Kissing him with as much suggestion as she could summon, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders to pull him closer.

"They'll still be there. I can just throw them in the replicator on the way to the bridge." Her voice had dropped deeper, and she wanted him enough that it was a rasp instead of a suggestion.

His hands roamed over her body as she whispered to him, sliding down her hips then back up and along her sides, lightly brushing the edges of her breasts. He needed her. He needed bare skin, and the gooseflesh that rose where his fingers passed, and the soft sounds that made him think he might lose his mind if he had to stop touching her.

The hoarseness in her voice aroused him and he bent to kiss her, her soft, open mouth welcoming his tongue in a way that sent shivers up the back of his neck. As always there was a moment when Chakotay thought he might pull her down to the floor and take her there - the need was almost desperate at the beginning, as if his body remembered too well the unfulfilled longing - but he dismissed it. He wanted to make love to her slowly, to touch and taste her as if they had all the time in the world.

His breath was ragged when he broke the kiss, but so was hers and it made him smile. Her eyes were the dark blue of desire. "I don't think the dishes are going anywhere. I can think of better things to do with our time."

"Now you understand."

Heading for the bedroom with his hands on her waist, Kathryn spared the rest of the dishes a final glance. A little disorder could be worthwhile in the long run. Perching on the edge of the bed, she parted her legs slighty and beckoned him close with a lazy hand.

"This little very successful venture was your idea. Perhaps you have an idea how you'd like to celebrate?"

Chakotay toed off his shoes and pulled his shirt over his head. Kneeling on the floor in front of her, he reached up to cup her face in his hands. "I did have a few thoughts." Drawing her down, he kissed her slowly, letting the want flow freely through him.

His hands slid up her calves and under her skirt to the bare skin of her thighs. "This dress might have to go," he told her seriously. "Do you have any idea what it's like to watch it brush against your legs all evening?" The distraction of it had threatened significant embarrassment and he knew Paris had caught him looking more than once.

Running his hidden hands slowly over her skin, Chakotay moved in closer. "It's almost impossible to eat dinner when I'd rather be doing this. Pushing the skirt up and out of his way, he kissed the soft flesh of her inner thigh, starting at the knee and working his way up.

Her skin was smooth and warm under his mouth. He licked it in places then blew gently, feeling her shiver in response. Brushing his mouth over her panties made him almost instantly hard and he groaned, the dampness and the scent of her desire for him driving his own arousal higher. He ignored it as well as he could, wanting more of Kathryn first.

When he had worked his way just as slowly down the other thigh, he brushed his hand along the waistband.

"Take them off for me."

The dress was a little shorter than she'd normally have worn, but Kathryn had been looking for an occasion since she'd picked it up a few planets back. When it had slipped up her thighs a few times during dinner, his trousers had been there, next to the bare skin of her legs. That flirting sensation had no meaning compared to the warm, rough skin of his palms sliding up her thighs. The tight knot of heat that had settled just below her belly demanded he keep touching.

When his mouth passed over her, she bit back a gasp. If that was what he wanted for his reward, she'd be damned before she'd stop him. The hint of command in his voice made her wetter still. She liked their little power struggles in the bedroom. Knowing she could trust him implicitly made making love to him that much more connected.

Kathryn ran her fingers down her own chest, passing them over her breasts with a little sigh before sending them down towards her panties. Slipping her fingers beneath the fabric on her hips, she eased them down slowly and stopped just below her knees. Sitting up a little, she let her panties drop and then stepped slowly out of them: one high heel at a time.

"All yours."

It was her words as much as the sight of her that stole the breath from his body. That she knew his response as well as he knew hers and was urging him on delighted him.

Pushing the skirt of her dress a little higher on her body, Chakotay kissed the soft flesh of her stomach, feeling it quiver slightly under his mouth, before licking at the crease of each thigh for another moment. He slid his hands under her calves and lifted them to his shoulders, pulling her toward him slightly on the bed as she lay back. Surrounded by the sweet, fresh scent of her, he was dizzy for a moment with the truth of how badly she wanted him. It was both humbling and incredibly erotic.

The first taste of her sent waves of pleasure up his spine and elicited a gasp that made his cock jump. He loved how she responded to this, trusting him to take care of her, and losing herself entirely in the pleasure of it. He ran his tongue lazily around the entrance to her body, then pressed forward to push it inside her as deeply as he could. She pushed back against him, lifting her hips off the bed which he allowed for a moment before pressing gently but firmly on her stomach to hold her in place.

Taking pity finally he pulled back, moving a little higher and probing gently with his tongue for her clit. Using her sounds as a guide, he circled it slowly for a time, then slid the flat surface of his tongue across the top, then again, feeling the shudders that passed through her thighs. Drawing it into his mouth he nibbled very gently, then started a lazy pattern of sucking and licking, moving occasionally to slide his tongue inside her again, wanting and needing the taste of her response.

Sighing and shifting her hips lower, Kathryn reached down for his shoulder. Digging her fingers into his muscle, she wound her other hand into the sheet. Her breath came faster, slipping out of her control as he teased her. The initial smooth heat of his tongue toyed with her. The hand on her stomach held her down, preventing her from twisting herself down until his mouth was where she wanted it.

His free hand crept up her thigh, featherlight as he moved closer. His tongue slipped in once more, owning her without overwhelming. Chakotay definitely intended to drive her crazy but Kathryn could return the favour.

Letting her voice become a whimper in her throat, she ran her hand down his arm and tugged his fingers up. "Please. I want you deeper."

Hearing the frustration in Kathryn's voice, Chakotay kissed her stomach and rolled away. Quickly removing the rest of his clothes, he returned to her and helped her sit up so he could pull the dress over her head and the shoes off her feet.

"I'm right here."

Kissing her mouth hungrily, he climbed onto the bed, lowering her back down beneath him and settling between her thighs. Her skin was smooth and soft pressed against his and her arms were wrapped tightly around him. Pausing to kiss his favourite spot on the side of her neck, he breathed into her ear, "I love the taste of you, Kathryn," and smiled when she pushed up against him impatiently in response.

"I think you like making me squirm." Rolling her hips up against him only helped a little. The ache he'd left behind pulsed deep inside her hips and rubbing up against his thigh only made it worse. She whimpered a little, keeping the sound in her throat for his benefit.

The weight of him above her and the press of his chest against her overly sensitive breasts made it all worse. "I do hope you'll finish what you started." Letting her hand slide down his back and across his hips, she wriggled up tighter.

Teasing Kathryn only worked to a point. The way she moved beneath him and the soft sounds of her desire tore at his restraint. Ultimately, the aching need to bury himself in her body pushed all reason aside no matter how he worked to hold it off.

Rising up a little, Chakotay positioned himself and slid forward into her in a deep thrust. She arched to meet him and for a moment he saw sparks of light. Groaning her name, he pressed down hard against her hips, searching for a way to go even deeper.

Shivering up into him, she moved her leg. His hands helped ease her leg up between them and bending her knee let him in closer. The all-too-pleasant shock of penetration was exactly what she'd been half-dead for. Panting into his neck, she found his mouth and kissed him roughly.

The play of their tongues was desperate and Kathryn wondered if they'd ever get to the point where they could make love slowly. The friction of him against her already stimulated clitoris made her shudder.

"Yes..."

He moved deeply within her. Her mouth devoured him, urging him on, but he fought the intensity to maintain control. The all-consuming pleasure of being inside her ran up his back and down his legs, bands of fire licking across his stomach. Chakotay needed...he needed...

"Kathryn." Something in him called out in almost inconsolable anguish. Reaching blindly for her hand, he threaded their fingers. More of her; everything in him begged, and his entire world was reduced to the single thought.

The sheets bunched beneath her, rustling weakly in the silence of her quarters. He forced her hand down, trapping her fingers with his strong ones. The skin of his palm, damp and rough, rolled across her own. His weight bent back her hip and for a moment, the joint protested. She could have kept going, damned the hint of discomfort and dealt with the strain in the morning.

"Wait. I need--" Putting her free hand on his shoulder, she slowed him. Kathryn shifted, her skin slick against his. The earthy scent of him hung in her nose, filling her senses. She hated slowing him down, but the tingling in her belly would wait. Finding his chin with her hand, she held his gaze and rocked beneath him to her left.

"I'm here. My hip just isn't twenty-two anymore."

Chakotay took a shuddering breath and shifted his body. Her fingers on his face grounded him, pulling him back from the swirling eddy.

Resting his weight on one elbow, he rolled them slightly to the side, guiding her leg over his and stroking his fingers along the swell of the sore hip. He studied the soft curve of the skin there, following the path his fingers took, knowing she was watching him. He was shaken, and he didn't understand why. When he turned back to her, her eyes were the dark blue of desire, curiousity sparkling around the edges.

"I don't know," he said softly, feeling helpless to answer what she hadn't asked. "I feel..." he trailed off and shrugged, failing to find the words. Moving his hand to her face, he stroked Kathryn's cheek then buried it in the damp hair that clung to her temple, bringing his forehead to rest against hers.

Surprised by the abrupt change in her partner, Kathryn watched him find her eyes. Even as he held her, still buried within her, he was somewhere else. Kissing him gently, she sucked on his bottom lip. Stroking her fingers down the back of his head, she pressed up against him. Maintaining as much contact as she could, she waited for him.

"It's all right. Whatever it is."

Chakotay resumed gentle thrusting, letting the contact with her soothe the ache in his heart. The scent of them together wound around him, and the cooling dampness of her thighs was reassuring.

Her face was close, her moist breath mingling with his, and suddenly he understood what his heart was trying to tell him.

"Kathryn, you're--" Chakotay swallowed around the lump in his throat and smiled to reassure her nothing bad was coming. "My people have a legend about twin spirits. It's the idea that the perfect match to your soul exists in another, someone born to a different tribe." He wasn't sure how to explain the significance to her. "It seemed silly to me - I never believed - but when we're like this--" Bending to catch her mouth with his, he willed her to understand.

As the kiss ended, she moved them. Rolling over up onto him, Kathryn took over the responsibility of their lovemaking and held him still while she thought. Resting her hands on his chest, she sat up a little to get a better look at him.

"And that's what we are, isn't it? Something connected...reflective like that?"

"That's what we are." Emotion clouded his voice and his eyes. Her head was tilted thoughtfully, spilling her hair down over one shoulder, while her scientific mind considered what he was trying to explain. Sliding his hands up to her hips, he stroked the softness there with his thumbs.

"I've heard it described differently. It's a bond that's said to exist in various dimensions, so it's alive and changing, and unique to the couple. Only two things are constant." Chakotay smoothed his hands over her thighs, feeling them quiver in response. "One half can never be truly happy in the absence of the other. And once the two halves have found each other, they form a permanent bond, here and in the next life. Nothing can separate them, and if they are separated, the two halves will move heaven and earth to find each other again."

Trying to think rationally or have an emotional discussion while wrapped naked around him with him buried deep inside of her bordered on one of the more difficult things she'd ever done. She listened intently, biting her lip when she needed to force herself to focus. Kathryn had never had any of her lovers put such a thing into words. She knew what it was to hate herself for outliving Justin, but the connection Chakotay was talking about was more than she'd ever asked of herself, or had anyone ask of her.

Kissing his chest, she tasted the faint salt of sweat caught and drying on his skin. "Heaven and earth is a big commitment." He wouldn't have mentioned it if he wasn't sure, but she needed to say it. "If you're there with me," she paused, kissing her way up to his neck. "I might be convinced."

Kathryn's hips rocked against him, and the slight grinding motion coupled with the softness of her lips on his throat made Chakotay groan. Her hair brushed across his face and when he closed his eyes reflexively, the scent of springtime drifted through his consciousness. He wondered if she'd ever made love in the rain and vowed to book some holodeck time very, very soon.

Now that his heart and mind were satisfied, his body cried out for return to their earlier pursuits. Reaching for her breasts he cupped them gently, then kneaded when she pressed into his hands. Carelessly sexy, she straddled his body and kissed where she liked but there was the slightest hint of tension in her posture that was not sexual.

Too much intensity was still frightening, he remembered too late. "There's nothing required of you. The bond takes care of itself." Thumbing her nipples, then sliding his hands around to her back, Chakotay pulled her down to him, taking a breast in his mouth.

Gasping as the warmth of his mouth took her breast, Kathryn squeezed his arm with her hand. If he kept doing that, she wasn't going to be able to talk at all until they were finished. When he released her erect nipple to the cool air, she took her hand from his arm and caught his chin. She couldn't speak eloquently about sharing her soul with him, but she did. He had to know she did.

Kissing him slowly, she lingered over him before she started to move above him. "I do love you."

His breath was more of a gasping hiss as she began to ride him in earnest, her body clenching around him. Her breath tickled his cheek and her tenderness teased gently against his spirit. Kathryn struggled with saying intimate things; the power of her words shivered through him.

Closing his eyes, Chakotay let the rush of desire spread from where they were joined to fill his veins, giving himself over to it once more. He was torn between watching her astride him, strong and beautiful, and losing himself in the moment. When he looked at her again she was watching, her eyes uncertain but full of warmth.

"I know you love me," he assured her, words coming with more difficulty now. "But that doesn't mean you can stop telling me anytime soon."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Rocking her hips against him, she changed the angle of her body until it was right enough to make her groan. With the memory of his mouth still on her and the solid heat of him within her, it was easy to return to where she'd been, aching and taut. Running her hands down his smooth chest, she sunk her fingers into the muscles along his sides and rocked faster, digging her knees into the bed for balance.

Tingling delight slithered all through him, blanking his mind to a pleasant, cool white and erasing the stresses of the world that existed outside their own little realm. The sounds of their laboured breathing mixed peacefully with the rustle of the sheets beneath Kathryn's knees, and somewhere more distant, the steady hum of the ship.

Chakotay idly stroked her back, soft and slick with the light sheen of sweat that was forming once again, then buried his fingers in her hair, still partly pinned up from the evening's socialising. It was damp, and he gathered it and lifted it from her neck, rising up slightly to blow cool air against her throat. He licked at the sweat pooled at the base of it, then lay back once more, settling his hands on her hips. Thrusting in counterpoint, he followed Kathryn's rhythm, trusting her with full control.

Reaching down, she dropped her fingers to her clit and abused the sensitive flesh between the firm pads of her fingers. Dropping lower to his chest, then leaning back she eased herself into the right position. With him rubbing just right inside her, she relinquished her control and her body overtook her mind. Without thinking, she rocked faster, rising up on her knees to change the height. Her breath, her skin, even her toes were hot, as if she was charged. Kissing him clumsily, she tasted herself and sweat before that too was too complicated.

Moaning once, she broke the field with a cry and went taut against him. Like a warp field, she collapsed around him, coming down with his name on her lips.

Watching Kathryn touch herself turned the tingling in his body to a lightning storm. His hands stroked everywhere he could reach, absorbing the tension and tremors that raced through her. When the soft panting in his ear turned into a cry, Chakotay thrust hard and let his mind know nothing but the bliss.

Her body spasming around him and the soft gasp of his name produced a rush of love and need that seized him entirely. He pulled her hips down, crashing them together in his urgency, and groaned as the sweet agony of his release pulsed through him.

Collapsing down on his chest, she laughed as she caught her breath. Kathryn sighed, resting her forehead against his chest. Her head continued to spin and her fingers were tingling as if she'd had a plasma shock that only brought pleasure.

"This...I could get used to."

Her laughter against his skin made him smile, even as the fuzziness began to recede from his mind. Little tremors of aftershock shivered through him randomly, and he wasn't certain if they were originating in his body or Kathryn's. Her hair spilled over his chest and shoulders and he blew it off his face where it itched against his nose. "I'd hope so. I for one plan to make it a regular occurrence."

Rolling off and staring up at the ceiling through the sparks in her vision, Kathryn smirked. "I may need to cut back on my workouts to conserve energy. "If I'm part of your plan, I suppose I'll have to make sure I'm available?"

Easing it off the sweaty skin of his chest, she pulled her hair aside. She nuzzled his cheek; she'd always be here with him if she could.

Chakotay turned his head to look at her. She teased him sometimes when there were things she couldn't quite say, he was learning. Rolling to his side, he grinned at her. "If you're part of my plan...well you or some random woman somewhere I suppose. Either way." She was luminous, flushed and sweaty, eyes sparkling, and the look in her eyes made his chest ache.

"Some random woman won't be as much fun-" she raised her eyebrows wickedly for emphasis, "or as much of a challenge as I am."

It was a little ironic. Kathryn would have guessed that he enjoyed his passions as they came while she was the type to plan. She trailed her hand down his chest, then kissed his shoulder before dropping her head back to the bed.

"Wouldn't do for you to be bored..."

"Pretty confident, aren't you?" He shifted onto his back. She was, and it thrilled him to his toes.

Rolling so her chin was balanced neatly on her arms across his chest, she nodded.

"As someone keeps telling me, I'm beautiful, intelligent, witty, compassionate...incredible in bed... How can you pass that up? You'd be an idiot to, and I just happen to know you're one of the most gentle, clever, devoted men in the universe. Now that you've had me, there's no one else."

Chakotay leaned up to kiss her, taking her bottom lip to nibble lightly before letting his tongue sweep slowly through the softness of her mouth. Breaking away, he studied her eyes, seeing for the first time not a single trace of fear; instead only peace and happiness.

Nodding seriously, he wrapped his arms around her, guiding her head down under his chin. "You're right about that. Closing his eyes, he offered a silent prayer of thanksgiving to the spirits.

She chuckled and settled down between his arms. The sheets were still a mess, and they'd both need a shower in the morning, but she was too comfortable to care.

"I'm usually right. It's part of what you love about me."


End file.
